Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.

Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.

Jimmy Carr: “There’s a really easy way to tell if your house is haunted or not.”

It’s not.

Jimmy Carr Joke - Socially Unacceptable

JC - I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation - would you like to see it?

Crowd - YES!

JC - I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret

(laughter ....)

(\* hope and pray that I've offended none broke no posting rules \*)

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

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A Jimmy Carr Classic

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket.

"Well, Some Assholes got my pen"

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My wife insisted that I list every woman I’d ever been with...

so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.

~Jimmy Carr

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Some Jimmy Carr jokes:

"Dwarves... are often overlooked. Tell you what I know about dwarves... very little. I can say that, they look up to me."

"A nurse looks at a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, 'some asshole's got my pen'."

"Spiders used to give me nightmares, so what I've done was stop eatin...

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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip?

killed in a tunnel


Jimmy Carr

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay 200 bucks to have a lentil on my face.


Jimmy Carr.

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

Say what you want about the deaf...

Credit Jimmy Carr

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I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He fell asleep counting

Edit: joke by Jimmy Carr

Edit II: I have been informed that it is ‘Welsh’ not ‘Scottish’

I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself

So the church defrocked him.

- Jimmy Carr

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I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Why do so many children die in school shootings ?

Because they are not allowed to run in the hallway.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class.

That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him.

(Joke by Jimmy Carr)

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"



\- Jimmy Carr

Three word joke

Stationary Store Moves

Two word joke

Dwarf Shortage

Credit - Jimmy Carr

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My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush

If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.


-Jimmy Carr

Why is it that so many Americans do not have a passport ?

They don't fit in the photo booth.

Credits: Jimmy Carr

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A friend of mine got caught masturbating in the showers

That ruined our trip to Auschwitz - Jimmy Carr

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

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I asked my girlfriend if she would like to go out with her friends on Saturday to get a couple of pairs of new shoes, get your hair done in a different style, then go out for a couple of rounds of Chardonnay.

“That sounds great!”

“Good, because we are breaking up.”

-Jimmy Carr

Why do so many American kids die in school shootings?

They're not allowed to run in the halls.

[-Jimmy Carr](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpxmKKtbw7w)

What Africa Really needs

If only Africa had more mosquito nets

Then every year we could save millions

Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids

\- Jimmy Carr

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My girlfriend always smokes after sex

So we started using lubricant.

-Jimmy Carr

My ideal woman is a single mum

Or at least she will be after I’m gone


Credit: Originally a Jimmy Carr joke

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

He's so smart, he's like a walking, talking...

Stephen Hawking

*^-Jimmy ^Carr*

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They say there’s safety in numbers

try telling that to 6 million jews
-jimmy carr

2 dragons walk into a bar

One goes, "it's hot in here."

The other responds, "shut your mouth."


Originally by Jimmy Carr (I think, he may have stolen it)

Probably a repost, but reddit search is useless.

If you want to get a girl's attention, just compliment them

Like: Wow! You're a fast runner. Almost got away!


Credits: Jimmy Carr

it's difficult to date when you have OCD.

Every time my girlfriend gets turned on, I turn her off again.I

(Jimmy Carr)

I was in a relationship with a blind girl...

It was hard because it took me so long to get her husband’s voice just right.

^by ^Jimmy ^Carr

I saw an old woman on the news who's house was flooded

She was standing there, knee deep in water, crying......and I thought that's not helping




Credit: Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, "50 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I would have thought the most obvious one was "shout for help"

~ *Jimmy Carr*

My ex wife's star sign was Cancer, quite ironic considering how she died...

...Eaten by a giant crab 🦀

Note: not my joke, not sure where I heard it

It's very easy to distract a fat person....

....it's a piece of cake!!!


Source: Jimmy Carr

They say opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck,

but I think if it's raining indoors you've probably already had some bad luck.

Haven't seen this on here before and it made me chuckle so here.
credit Jimmy Carr

I saw a transvestite wearing a mini skirt, and I thought....

That shows a lot of balls.


Credit to Jimmy Carr

I was walking down the street with my wife...

... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men.

My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "Six should be enough."

*(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

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You know a girl is too young for you...

If you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth

Credit: Jimmy Carr

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How can you tell if a girl is too young for you?

You need to make the airplane sound to put your cock in her mouth.

(From one of my favorite stand-ups, Jimmy Carr!)

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Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....

...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr

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Adolf Hitler has been judged very harshly by history however..

he did kill Hitler.
NB: stolen from Jimmy Carr

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Backseat drivers are all the same...

.. With the whole.. Nooo.. Why are we going into the woods.

Source: Jimmy Carr. Source because others on this thread think everything here is original content and like to shout shits stolen. Unfunny cunts.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs!

Very Little


Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

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if men fall asleep directly after sex . . .

why is it so hard to catch a rapist?

-Jimmy Carr

p.s. never high five a rabbi

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

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