But Then Jokes - 105 Hilarious But Then Jokes

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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

I wanted to go to vacation to Thailand but then I learned more about the place

So Phuket

(Wrote this one yesterday, let me know if it's been heard before)

After a fun night, he invited me to his place. But then I realized he was a communist.

I should've seen the red flags.

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

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I used to think correlation implies causation, but then I took a statistics class.

That may have helped me understand the difference, but I’m not too sure.

I had a girlfriend in highschool but then she left me

The other day, she came back saying she wants us to get back together. I refused.

It's not like anything has changed. She still likes rich guys and I still like teenage girls.

I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident

Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.

(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)

Chuck Norris petted a lion but then there was a roar sound

The trainer said “get up very slowly and back up” so the lion did exactly that.

I was connecting the dots but then I realized

I had to get straight to the point

I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

It’s really hard to pull it off.

My wife hated the new expensive revolving chair that I bought but then she sat on it.

Eventually….she came around.

This Rich Woman Thought She Had The Perfect Husband. But Then He Said This.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a

cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker

and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to

listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:” Yes”

WO...

The other day I bought Canadian insurance, but then I realized how stupid that was.

When am I gonna get attacked by a Canadian?

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

My friends told me to stop making chemistry jokes, but then I told just one more

I got no reaction, and now all my friends Argon

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

I needed to do the laundry, but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was, and started checking pens for ink. When I went to toss all the junk, I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge. That's when I realized a juice jug had leake...

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Hitler was a bad guy... But then again he did kill hitler.

But he also killed the guy that killed hitler, so...

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

I used to have two girlfriends, but then I learned

I can't have Kate and Edith too

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

I wanted to die, but then I got a job.

Now I *really* want to die.

I’ve never liked the way I looked, but then...

I realised I’m not ugly, I’m just not my type!

I used to collect stamps but gave it up, but then I realized it wasn't worth the time

Philately will get you nowhere

I hate it when everyone tells me to read an author's works, but then I can't find it anhwhere.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

When my dentist reminded me about my husband’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while, but then it hit me....

We have different dentists...

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

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I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out.

They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter.

I used to hate Math. But then I realised...

*...decimals have a point.*

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

They thought I had Alzheimer's but then all my memories came back

My doctor said I reached the point of know return.

As an atheist, I was upset when my son became a priest but then he passed away.

Now I'm being haunted by the father, my son, and the holy ghost.

I had trouble making friends in college, but then came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls I love them. Their first reaction was to say let’s just be friends.

I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

I used to be elite back in my country, but then I moved to the USA

Now I'm just 1:37 PM

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

They used to call me fat, but then I gained another 66% with soft drinks.

Now they call me fanta.

I used to be Muslim, but then I took an arrow to the knee...

Now I Muslimp.

I had a hot girlfriend but then she sent me an email in Helvetica and I had to move on.

Not my type

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then...

I changed my mind.

This woman at the bar called me ugly, but then I told her how much money I make

Then she called me ugly and poor

My son refused to join the family DJ business. But then returned 6 months later, begging for a job.

Oh, how the turntables.

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

What do you call someone who postpones doing things for a little bit but then does them anyway?

An amateurcrastinator.

I was bragging that I knew the hex code for every color, but then I forgot the one for blue

Yea, that was a big 0000FF

I used to be square but then I gave my self to a higher power...

Now I'm stuck in this cubical all day

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

My girlfriend used to be a vegan and post on r/vegan all the time. But then she got addicted to Sushi...

And only posts on r/aww

Y'know when the carton says "pulp free" but then it has some pulp anyway?

Pulp Fiction

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

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I was about to leave my house, but then I realized I needed to go to the bathroom.

It was an unexpected turd of events.

I used to get rejected about 50% of the time, but then I finally found the one and got married.

Now it's more like 90%

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I was enjoying reddit's new social experiment, but then someone betrayed my CircleOfTrust ...

What a circlejerk.

I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

Don’t you just hate when you say a joke but then someone says it louder than you and gets the credit?...

My friend: DON’T YOU JUST HATE WHEN YOU SAY A JOKE BUT THEN SOMEONE SAYS IT LOUDER THAN YOU AND GETS THE CREDIT?...

I used to think I had bad taste, but then I met my girlfriend

and now I know what someone with bad taste really looks like.

Light Yagami thought he was going to die on those stairs, but then he woke up the next day...

And realized it was just a Near-Death experience.

I saw a beautiful girl and I thought I should go say something. But then I eealized it was a bad idea.

She was probably going to freak out when I walked out of her closet.

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My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

This Joke made me burst out laughing at work, but then I was sad...

A baby seal walks into a club...

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

I used to date a girl whose could text unbelievably fast. Her fingers moved like lightning! But then she ran away and stole my old Jaguar

I wish you could have seen my X Type

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Every year I work my ass off to get the kids what they want for Christmas but then

That fat bearded bastard gets all the credit. Mind you, It's my fault I married her.

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

There once was a wizard who never hesitated to try new spells. But then he turned himself into a dog...

That gave him pause.

I thought I was hired as a manager in a Spanish company. But then they called me and asked me for an interview.

I wasn’t quite expecting the Spanish Inc. Quiz Session

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again?

A falsalami

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When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

I thought about going to a psychic, but then I started having doubts and changed my mind

At that moment I received a text message that said "Well, that's too bad"

I went to the doctor, i told them most times i feel like a wigwam but then other times i feel like a teepee.

They said I’m two tents.

I used to be a gang member with the Bloods, but then I had a baby and realized I had to make some real changes in my life...

So now I'm with the Crips, and me and my little guy can finally watch Blue's Clues together.

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

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Superman is patrolling the skies of Metropolis, but then sees Wonder Woman completely naked in a penthouse suite lying on a bed...

Superman: "Hmm, if I can fly faster than the speed of light, I can probably have sex with her so fast she won't even know what happened!"

So Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies away with a big smile.

Meanwhile in the suite...
Wonder Woman: "What the fuck was that?"
The I...

I was about to be given a yellow card for punching another player in the face, but then the ref noticed I was an amputee.

No arm, no foul.

I went on a date last night and I knew the girl was a little kinky but then she showed me the furry outfit she wanted me to wear...

It gave me paws.

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

I was trying to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am, but then I remembered that I do not own a dog.

So now I am trying to live up to the standards of an imaginary dog.

A teacher is grading tests when she notices one student is getting every question right, but then dividing the answer by two

Bewildered, she has a talk with him. He tells her he doesn't understand what the issue is, to which the teacher responds, "Look, the first step to getting better is admitting you halve a problem."

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

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