Burns Jokes - 26 Hilarious Burns Jokes

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

How do you heal burns in The Matrix?

Neo-Sporin

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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

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A man sunbathes in the nude and burns his penis

His doctor tells him to dip it in a cup of milk to ease his pain. His wife comes home and finds him with his willy in a cup of milk. She remarked, " I always used to wonder how you reloaded it"

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Know what really burns my butt?

Flames three feet high.

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

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They say having sex burns as many calories as running 8 miles…

I think that’s ridiculous, who can run 8 miles in 30 seconds

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.

The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."

Robbie agreed, and the farmer started

"Stretching across the desert sands...

George Burns is greeted on his 90th birthday...

...by three scantily clad and drop dead gorgeous women. They prepare to sing him Happy Birthday, but he cuts them off to say:

"I'm sorry, girls, one of you will have to come back tomorrow."

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

A man goes to the hospital with horrible burns all over his feet

The doctors ask "how did this happen"? He replies "The instructions on the can said "before opening, stand in boiling water for five minutes."

BREAKING NEWS: Music shop burns down.

Scores injured.

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

What do you get if Woolworths burns down?

Coles

What do pirates use to treat burns

Ahoy Vera

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Sex burns 3.6 calories a minute.

On average, I burn 1.8 calories everytime I have sex

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

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A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

Blonde Burns

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor. "I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear." "'What about the other ear and your hand...

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

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Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

What do you call a dinosaur good at healing burns?

An aloesaurus

What do pigs put on burns?

Oinkment!

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