Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

Three park rangers are walking together through a wintry forest when they come upon a tiny leprechaun, shivering in the cold.

The leprechaun asks the rangers for help escaping the snowy forest, and tells them that whoever can come up with the best and kindest way to transport him out of the forest, will be granted his pot of gold.

The first ranger offers him a limousine. “You will be in the lap of luxury as you are ...

I was talking to a girl at school one day and she was talking to me and she asked how tall I was and I answered 6’4” and she shivered and then I said “Maybe 6’5” and she screamed. Then I asked her “ What’s wrong with you?”

She said “Nothing, I’m just afraid of heights.”

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

Stay away from G-mail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine

There's clearly a draft in there.

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

What do you call a shivering man who lets his wife sleep with other men?

c-cold

If pirates from the Pacific North West say "Shiver me timbers!", what do pirates from Iowa say?

"Shiver me kernels!"

Why was everyone shivering at the inauguration?

Because it's a cold day in hell....

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A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road.

The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

"We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks.

Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

"But it stinks!" she exclaims.

"So hold its nose!"

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A bird is shivering on the fence of a barnhouse on a cold evening...

...A dog passes by, on seeing the bird grabbed it carefully with its teeth and places it in a heap of freshly laid cow dung on the floor of the barn an plodded off. The bird who was already cold became quite pissed at the dog, it tried to move but the dung was too thick. It then felt the warmth of t...

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

Three old men, hard of hearing

Three old men, hard of hearing, are waiting at a bus stop on a hill, it’s winter time.
The first man goes as he’s shivering “brrrr, it’s windy”!
The second one responds “it’s not Wednesday, it’s Thursday”,
And the third man says “I’m thirsty too, let’s go grab a beer”!

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

A man buys a parrot but the only thing it does is insult the man...

After spending hours trying every possible solution to get it to shut up the man decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes pass and the parrot falls silent. Thinking he might of killed it the man opens the freezer and finds the parrot shivering but alive. “S-s-sorry for i-i-i-insulting...

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Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shivering with her teeth?

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Two women meets in the afterlife,

\-Hello, My name is Mia!

\-Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?

\-Well... I froze to death.

\-Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!

\-Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?

...

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

The man who was always cold

Old Arab joke, hope it translates well

There once was a man who was always cold. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, or how much heat he was exposed to, he would be shivering.
He was a good, pious man, so when he died, God took him up to Heaven. While the man was very appreciati...

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A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

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Pirate pick-up lines

“I must be huntin’ treasure, ’cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.”

“Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.”

“See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.”

“Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin’?”

“Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and p...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

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A man dies and goes to hell

When he arrives, he meets the devil, standing in front of three doors.

"What are these doors?" The man asks.

The devil tells him "Hell isn't so bad, you get to choose your accommodations. Behind these doors are your three options."

The man then asks to see behind each door, so h...

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

What’s the difference between a pirate and a cold lumberjack?

One says “Shiver me timbers”
The other shivers in the timbers

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A man and woman are driving down the road...

A man and woman are driving down the road after dinner. The weather is awful, pouring rain and freezing cold.

As they go around a corner, the woman spots a dog on the side of the road that looks like it’s been hit by a car. She pleads with her husband to stop so they can check on the poor do...

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Guy goes to hell

He meets Satan who tells him "Hey bud! Ya' know what? I feel generous today, so you get to choose your own damnation!"
"Cool", says the man.
Satan takes him to the first chamber. In there the man sees his worst memory being played to him over and over eternally. He shivers. Satan takes him to...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

There's a new dating app out there for pirates.

It's called Shiver Me Tindrs.

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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a h...

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NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

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Two boys

It's a freezing Sunday morning in December and a Nun is about to enter the back of the church when she sees 2 boys sitting on the back steps, shivering like crazy. She asks:

"Boys? Why are you out here sitting in this freezing weather?"

One of the boys replies:
"Because the Priest ...

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still s...

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

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A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

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A young couple are on a long international flight

A young couple are on a long international flight. The flight crew turns off the lights in the cabin for the passengers to sleep. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "hey everyone is sleeping let's have sex." "No are you crazy? Everyone will hear us" says the girl. The boyfriend comes up with a...

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Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven....

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.
"I froze to death," said the second.
"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It`s very uncomf...

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The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

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A fat man passes by a brothel..

... When he sees an advertisement sign stating "New weight loss program, free trial!". Interested in what it might be he enters. A beautiful nice receptionist welcomes him, when asked about the program she replies "In order to get started you've got to enter room one. It's a three day program, toda...

Bring me my red shirt!

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two ...

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A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided to visit the local pet shop.

The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pret...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

Open it!

My wife and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock the door. My wife asked, “Can’t we sit in the truck while you find your keys?”

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Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can’t stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they’re shivering:

“Oh, Olie! They’re so cold! What should I do ...

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So, a woman and an inexperienced guy want to have sex...

She proposes doing 69, he doesn't know the position but agrees - doesn't matter had sex, he thinks.

They begin, she sucks and he licks happily away, but suddenly she has to fart. He pauses, shivers but continues.

Shortly after, she farts again. He pushes her off, puts on his pants. She...

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The Fowl Mouthed Parrot

A woman brought home a parrot from the pound, and discovered, to her dismay that he loved to swear like a sailor.

One day, after being called a juicy bitch one time too many, she grabbed him, and threw him into the freezer, in order to teach him a lesson.

After a few minutes, she opene...

Jesus and Moses

One day, Jesus and Moses are chilling in heaven, and a stick falls from a tree.

Jesus picks up the stick and thrusts it into Moses' arms. "Hey Moses, how about you try to split that puddle of water over there like you did with the Red Sea?"

Moses takes the stick and heads over to the p...

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

A blond starts working for the RCMP

As part of her job, she sometimes goes out on hiking trails to see if anyone needs help. One day, her boss calls her in to talk with her.

Her boss tells her, "We have been getting a lot of people saying you saved them from hypothermia. More than anyone else in the RCMP! We would like to know;...

A man and his wife...

A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he d...

[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.

However, during the wi...

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter...

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time. His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

On a cold night I walked into a bar in the Caribbean...

..I saw that the bar was filled with gloomy shivering sailors and one happy pirate. I went to order a jug or rum and told the pirate that I could make him lose his smile and make all the others happy.
He replied that it's never going to happen.
So I took his wooden leg and threw it to the fire...

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NSFW The Voodoo Dick.

A man married to a nymphomaniac is going on a business trip, and he is worried his wife is going to cheat on him. So he decides to buy her a toy in the hopes of keeping her satisfied until he gets back. He goes to the neighborhood sex shop and explains his situation the the store owner. The owner gr...

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I was walking along the pier with my toy poodle...

When suddenly, she jumped into the water. I panicked but before I could do anything, a German tourist had jumped in to save the poor dog. He swam over, scooped her up, climbed up the ladder and handed me the shivering poodle.

He said “here is ze dog, keep her warm, dry her off and she vill b...

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

What do you call a cold wood?

A shiver-me-timber

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

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Boudreaux goes to Hell

So one day, Boudreaux gets into a boating accident and dies. Unfortunately, St. Peter sends him to hell.

Later on, the devil's making his rounds and sees Boudreaux, just sitting on a rock, smiling like an idiot. The devil goes up to him and says, "Hey, why the heck are you smiling? You're in ...

This guy went to play poker with his buddies

After a while, it started pouring outside, thunderstorm and what not. The guy, who walked there, asked his friend - how will I get home now? His friend's wife tells him it's not a problem, he should just spend the night there and go straight to work the next day. The friend and his wife get ready to...

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D(e)ad humor

Late night driving with my dad and we passed by this cemetery and in a dead serious voice, he says, "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here."

I shivered in anticipation and asked the dreaded "Why?"

"Because they...

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A woman meets her friend in heaven

She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheat...

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So three men were out hiking and got surprised by a storm...

Luckily there was a convent nearby so through the heavy rain they hurried to the main entrance and knocked.
An old priest, the leader of the convent opened and listened to the men's pleading.

"I may grant you shelter tonight, but you see, since I am the only man here we have to test wheth...

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The priest and the parrot

A priest moved to a new, remote parish and was feeling lonely. To keep him company, he went to the pet store to buy a parrot. Unfortunately, parrots are quite expensive, and he couldn't afford one.

Feeling sorry for him, the store owner told him, "Well, I do have this one parrot, but it was o...

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Joel Osteen dies and goes to Heaven.

He looks up at the big pearly gates and immediately recognizes where he is. He waits for a while but no one comes to greet him. Beyond the gates, he hears a band performing a concert between deafening cheers of the crowd and other indications of general merriment. He looks around but cannot find ...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

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Two fleas in a bar

So, there's a flea bar in Florida, and every year there's two fleas that meet there to enjoy the summer together. Flea A is sitting in the bar, enjoying his drink, when Flea B walks through the door. And Flea B is fucking frozen. Iced up, shivering, shaking, and not looking so good.

Flea A...

A pirate with one glass-eye brings his spanish crewmate and his friend who's sensitive to cold to sink an admiral's ship.

He fails miserably and the admiral makes them all walk the plank. As the pirate falls, his fake eye plops into the ocean. "eye, sea!" The pirate yells in frustration. As the friend falls, he shivers and states: "i-i-i-cy...". The Spanish crewmate falls and merely states "Aye, si."
The admiral wa...

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot.

So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

"Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said.

"No that's quite alright...

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Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

A man buys a second hand parrot

He brings the parrot home, and discovers that the parrot likes to swear a lot. He is not very happy with that, and tells the parrot:

"I will cover your cage with a blanket and you can sit in the dark until you stop swearing."

As soon as he covers the cage up the parrots starts getting ...

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A contrite nun takes a vow of silence...

She's confined to a small cell in the convent's basement.

After one year, Mother Superior says, "To reward your one year of silence, you are allowed to speak one word."

Shivering, the nun says "cold!" She was given a blanket.

A second year passed. "Another year, Sister. You...

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A homosexual guy died and went to Heaven [NSFW]

A homosexual guy died and went to Heaven. Back on Earth he had a big problem. Whenever he saw someone bend over he couldn't contain himself and started butt-fucking the person. When it was finally his turn to see St. Peter in front of the gates of Heaven St. Peter said:

"I'm sorry buy homose...

Honest Mistake.

One night the heating in a hospital ward was accidentally turned off and as a result a few patients suffered hypothermia and ended up in intensive care. The next day..........

Head Nurse: Why did no one realise that the patients were freezing?, the people in the ward were old and infirm, they...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

A man and his five year old son are walking in to the woods.

The deeper they get the darker it gets. The boy grabs his father's hand tightly. "Wow Dad, this is so scary".

The father shivers. "You're telling me son. I have to walk out of here by myself".

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The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

A traffic officer stopped a car on a highway.

The windows rolled down and he saw a very old lady on the driver's seat. He said "Ma'am why are you moving so slowly; you are jamming the whole highway". To this she replied, "But officer the sign mentions the speed limit as 40". The officer looks at the sign, laughs and says, "That's not the speed ...

Bar Bet

A man walks into a bar that he has never been to before. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks "What are you having". The man is about to respond when he sees a large pickle jar FILLED with cash. The man asks "What's that" the bartender responds "We have a challenge here, if yo...

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A man and wife are driving on the highway at night...

...when he accidentally hits a momma skunk crossing with her babies. The wife nags him to pull over and see if any survived. The momma was dead but the babies were alive and cold so the wife nags him to put them in the car to warm up and they continue their drive. Seeing the babies still shivering t...

Swearing Parrot

Did you hear about guy who had a parrot who swore continually. Finally, the guy told the parrot if he didn't clean up his language, he was going to throw him in the freezer. The parrot continued to swear, so the guy did as he had threatened. After a couple of hours the guy let the parrot out of the ...

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The parrot and the KGB

One day in Soviet Russia, a parrot flies over a village squawking loudly: 'The Soviet Union is shit! Death to the Communist Party!'.
The KGB is rapidly informed, and they start to investigate who owns a parrot in the area. They find out that there is only one parrot owner in the area, so they go ...

A flea walks down the beach...

..he see's another flea laying in the sand; frozen and shivering.
"Oh buddy," he said. "What happened?"

"Ww-wWell I wW-Wwas riding in somMMe guy's mustache, and he r-r-rode a moMotorcycle all the way to the beach. I'm frFReezing!."

The other flea took pity on him and gave him some ...

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