UPJOKE

Better Than Jokes

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Whats better than roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ...

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Why is golf better than sex?

It lasts for hours and there's 18 different holes.

Why is Covid better than Southwest?

Because it’s airborne.

What's better than licking a Mandarin?

Licking Amanda out.

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

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Why do tampons think they're better than pads

Because they're stuck up cunts

Why are cats better than babies?

When you are done holding a cat you can just drop them.

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

Cats are better than dogs

>!No way a cat would ever work for the cops.!<

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

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A sandwich is better than sex.

Because nothing is better than sex and a sandwich is better than nothing.

What's better than a step-rooster named Steve?

A step-hen named Stephen

What's better than watching a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

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After I left my husband, he met somebody who could fuck him better than I could

The divorce lawyer.

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

Your dog is better than your wife.

Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.

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Why is having sex with a teacher better than having sex with a doctor?

After, the doctor says "next one, please" where the teacher says "now let's repeat that!"

Which sequel is clearly better than the original?

World War 2.

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

What’s better than Ted Danson?

Ted singing and Danson!

Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get 8 more.

Why dogs are better than women.

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you h...

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

Why is an American better than a computer?

...because an American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

Why is it so hard to determine if an iPhone is better than an Android?

It’s not an Apples to Apples comparison.

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

What's better than a Gold medal at the Paralympics

Two legs

Overthinking is probably better than underthinking

idk I haven't really thought about it

What’s better than a German microwave?

A Dutch oven!

What is a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram

Your welcome

Danson is better than Cruz in every way.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

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My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle.

Why is British comedy better than American comedy?

Because Americans leave u out of the humour

You know what's better than Tennessee?

Elevennessee.

What's better than a good, cheesy joke?

A grated cheesy joke !

You know why a gun is better than a wife?

You can put a silencer on a gun.

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

I ordered coffee at a Cafe today and it's already better than dad...

Because it came with milk

What’s better than pain?

Pain au chocolat

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There's nothing better than suprise wake-up sex...

Unless you're in prison.

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

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Whats better than sex on the beach?

Sex anywhere else.

What’s better than a talking dog?

A spelling bee


What’s better than a spelling bee?


A navy seal

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3 Words Better than I Love You?.

How about Anal?

How do you know definitively that Jordan was better than Kobe?

Jordan can fly.

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

In which regard is the USA better than Canada?

The USA has nicer neighbors.

What's better than a tuna sandwich?

A three-na sandwich

Why areshort people better than tall people?

They are more down to earth.

Did you know alcohol in Ireland is better than in Scotland?

Its Dublin size!

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Better than a sleeping pill

Two guys were sitting around talking and one said, "I'm really concerned, my wife wakes up at night and can't go back to sleep. I don't know how to help her". His buddy thought about it for a moment and said, "I think I have the perfect solution. My wife used to have the same problem so every...

Why are bacteria better than viruses?

Because viruses don't have culture

A bad day at the dentist is better than a bad day at the airport.

Because a search for cavities sure beats a cavity search.

What’s better than a cake day on Reddit?

Damned if any of us losers know.

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

What’s better than a dad bod?

A father figure.

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Why is Michael Phelps better than Hitler?

Becase he can actually finish off a race.

They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

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Some say chess is better than sex

I say it depends on the position.

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Why is Stalin better than Hitler?

Because he killed everyone as EQUALS.

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Why is Hitler better than Epstein?

In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

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Better than sex

I just went skydiving and told my experience to some people at a bar I've been hanging around. The bartender liked my story so much, she signed up to make her first jump at the end of the month.

A few days later, I went back for another beer and the bartender wanted me to retell my story.
...

Why is Alzheimer's better than Parkinson's?

Because it's no big deal to forget a beer but a tragedy to spill a beer.

.

.

.

That's Bavarian dark humor for you.

What's better than a paradox?

A pair of nurses

Acne is better than Priest

because acne waits for puberty before coming on kid's face

I put on some new earplugs to see if they were better than my old ones...

I couldn't hear the difference.

Why are the books always better than the movies?

Because, like communism, some things just worked out better on paper

What's better than 69?

77 cuz you get 8 more

(Shamelessly stolen from Redd Foxx)

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Why Indian Viagra is better than American Viagra

While the American Viagra will make "it" stand, the Indian Viagra will make it stand and wobble its head

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