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Moustache Jokes

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

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Stalin's secretary hears one of his generals say "mean Mr Moustache"

She quickly runs into Stalins office and reports the words. Stalin thanks her, and calls for the general to be brought to him.

When the general arrives, Stalin sits him down and asks "I've received a report you said 'mean Mr Moustache'; is that correct?"

"Why yes comrade, it is." The g...

This morning I couldn't find my moustache...

it was under my nose the whole time.

why do Italian men grow moustaches?

So they can look like their Mother.

Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache."

"Tell him I've got one."

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In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go....

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

What's one moustache plus twenty moustaches?

A hell of a disguise.

Came up by my 6 year old daughter and wife.

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

I've decided to buck the trend of Movember this year by not growing a moustache.

I'm calling it No-Movember.

Or for short, November.

What do you call an Astronaut's moustache?

Spacial Hair.

Why do women like men with moustaches?

Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

A man stops another man on the street

\- Oh my God, Robert! I almost didn't recognize you! You changed your hair, you changed your nose, you changed your moustache...

\- Erm, I'm sorry sir, my name's not Robert, it's Richard.

\- No way! You changed your name too?

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

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At one point in World War II, Hitler actually couldn’t find his moustache

Turned out to be right under his nose the whole damn time

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache,

Now she's making a big deal with HR about it.

My wife said to me "why don't you grow a moustache?" So i did...

Because we like to do things together....

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A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

Stalin's secret police find a man who looks exactly like Stalin, right down to the moustache

They considered that the man could be used to potentially embarrass Stalin, so Beria, the head of the secret police, goes to Stalin and asks what should be done about him.

"Why, Comrade, that's easy. Shoot him." replied Stalin

"We could, Comrade, but..." starts Beria

"BUT?!" sho...

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My buddy told me that he's been sleeping with twins and the sex is amazing..

I said that's awesome, but how do you tell them apart?

"Well Diane's got nice firm tits and a shaved pussy...and Peter's got a moustache"

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

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Have you heard of the new sex move called the pistachio?

No? Well, it’s when a girl pees on your face and you get some in your moustache.

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

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Snowmobile repair

There wasn't a lot of business at Chester's Snowmobile and Small Engine Repair in Kodiak, Alaska. Chester decided to close early on a Thursday to go home and open a bottle of wine.

Just as he was clicking off the "Open" sign, he heard a rumbling clatter in the distance. He stepped out front...

Private Jones goes to SHAPE

While working a NATO conference at the Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe, Private Jones, of the US Army had some free time. So he found his way to the closest pub, and finding all the bar stools taken, he asks to sit down at a table filled with 3 older gentleman wearing uniforms.

A b...

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Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

Fuck me that's a big moustache.

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My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

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My friend was dating two blonde haired, blue eyed twins from Sweden, but he couldn’t tell the difference between them.

He finally worked out that Anna has a little freckle on her right butt cheek, and Bjorn has a moustache.

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bald.

A bald man went to the Dr to ask for help with his baldness, after months of trying various treatments, nothing had worked, in desperation, the Dr suggested that he rubbed his head against his wife's pussy every night. So he did, a month later, he had a fine covering of hair on his head, he was so p...

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Stalin and Zhukov meeting.

A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin as Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin, and she hears him muttering under his breath, "Murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'Murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and se...

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Had sex with twins last night, my friend asked how i could tell them apart, "easy" i said..

.."the brother had a moustache"

what's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus...

one has a moustache and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus

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An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says,

"Ey, Tony, you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy tits, that droop-a down this-a far?"

Tony says, "No."

He says, "You like-a woman with-a big huge ass like a dump truck?"

Tony says, "Hell no."

He says, "You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's a smell like ga...

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on m...

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What Luck!

Boarding an airplane, a young fellow was very excited he'd been upgraded to First Class and he'd never flown in First Class. As he settled down for a long flight he notices that Beyoncé was sitting right next to him! After a rough storm, the plane came crashing down into the ocean. All passengers w...

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

A flea walks into the office one morning... (slightly NSFW)

So a flea walks into the office one morning, freezing cold, dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, miserable. A concerned coworker, who is also a flea, walks up to his desk and says, "Hey man, what happened to you? You look like hell."

To which the flea replies, "Man, I had the worst nigh...

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Scott was completely bald, and clean shaven.

He visited a naturopath seeking advice for curing his malady.

"Every day for three months rub the secretions of a woman's vagina on your head." Advised the naturopath.

Three month's later he returned.

"You dirty bastard!" exclaimed the naturopath when he saw Scott's luxurious mo...

Crab lice on holidays

Two crab lice agree to meet on the beach in Florida for Summer holidays. One already being there, the other arrives all shivering.

"Why are you shivering?" asks the first.

The second answers: "I arrived in a motorcyclist moustache... I alsmost froze to death..."

" That's stupid,...

My mate Jeff met a girl on Tinder who invited him back to her flat for a threesome with her twin...

Apparently her brothers moustache was really tickly.

I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies...

It's a boy

Once little johny was playing in the park when a pregnant woman passes by him.

Little Johny says "So, it's a boy, this time"

Woman, amused, asks him
" How do you know ?"

Little johny replies
" I could see his moustache, through your pant's zipper "

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A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

Two weeks back, as my friend made his way out of a very crowded station in Mumbai (India)

A bespectacled man with a thick moustache approached him and proclaimed in a heavy Malayali accent "You're Sippy Sopan".

My bemused friend replied "No, I am R Venkatesh".

"Nyo, nyo, you're Sippy Sopan", persisted the Malayali.

"No, no, I am R Venkatesh", insisted my friend.
...

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Pair of Twins

I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache"

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A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

Three Nights Drunk - Folksong [Long]

Late one night when I came home
So drunk I couldn't see,
I saw a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be.

Wifey dear, oh wifey dear,
Oh please explain to me,
How come a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be?

You old fool, you stupid fool,
It's plain...

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

a flea goes into a travel agency...

a flea goes into a travel agency and says, “oh i’ve been working so hard for the last few years, i really need a holiday.”

travel agent asks, “what kinda holiday were you in the market for?”

flea says, “i want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that i can just relax and enjoy ...

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Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

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WWII era Soviet joke

In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering "The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin.

Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean.

"...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

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So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

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