UPJOKE
beardmustachefacial hairgoateehairlipwhiskersmustachiochinmustachessideburnsshavingwalrus moustachefacetoothbrush

Moustache Jokes

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin's secretary hears one of his generals say "mean Mr Moustache"

She quickly runs into Stalins office and reports the words. Stalin thanks her, and calls for the general to be brought to him.

When the general arrives, Stalin sits him down and asks "I've received a report you said 'mean Mr Moustache'; is that correct?"

"Why yes comrade, it is." The g...

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

Two Fleas on Vacation ()

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go....

This morning I couldn't find my moustache...

it was under my nose the whole time.

why do Italian men grow moustaches?

So they can look like their Mother.

I've decided to buck the trend of Movember this year by not growing a moustache.

I'm calling it No-Movember.

Or for short, November.

What do you call an Astronaut's moustache?

Spacial Hair.

Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache."

"Tell him I've got one."

Why do women like men with moustaches?

Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

What's one moustache plus twenty moustaches?

A hell of a disguise.

Came up by my 6 year old daughter and wife.

Guy in street handing out fake moustaches

Me:How many am i allowed?

Guy:Just one.

Me:We'll see

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

A man stops another man on the street

\- Oh my God, Robert! I almost didn't recognize you! You changed your hair, you changed your nose, you changed your moustache...

\- Erm, I'm sorry sir, my name's not Robert, it's Richard.

\- No way! You changed your name too?

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At one point in World War II, Hitler actually couldn’t find his moustache

Turned out to be right under his nose the whole damn time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

Never compliment your friend's moustache

No matter how good it looks on her face

I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache,

Now she's making a big deal with HR about it.

My wife said to me "why don't you grow a moustache?" So i did...

Because we like to do things together....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend was bragging to me that he was having with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

Stalin's secret police find a man who looks exactly like Stalin, right down to the moustache

They considered that the man could be used to potentially embarrass Stalin, so Beria, the head of the secret police, goes to Stalin and asks what should be done about him.

"Why, Comrade, that's easy. Shoot him." replied Stalin

"We could, Comrade, but..." starts Beria

"BUT?!" sho...

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snowmobile repair

There wasn't a lot of business at Chester's Snowmobile and Small Engine Repair in Kodiak, Alaska. Chester decided to close early on a Thursday to go home and open a bottle of wine.

Just as he was clicking off the "Open" sign, he heard a rumbling clatter in the distance. He stepped out front...

Private Jones goes to SHAPE

While working a NATO conference at the Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers Europe, Private Jones, of the US Army had some free time. So he found his way to the closest pub, and finding all the bar stools taken, he asks to sit down at a table filled with 3 older gentleman wearing uniforms.

A b...

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have released a description of the person they're after;

White male, dark hair, moustache, is 6' 1,

And all I could think was;

me that's a big moustache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was dating two blonde haired, blue eyed twins from Sweden, but he couldn’t tell the difference between them.

He finally worked out that Anna has a little freckle on her right cheek, and Bjorn has a moustache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin and Zhukov meeting.

A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin as Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin, and she hears him muttering under his breath, "Murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say 'Murderous moustache'!" Stalin dismisses the secretary and se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had with twins last night, my friend asked how i could tell them apart, "easy" i said..

.."the brother had a moustache"

what's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus...

one has a moustache and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on m...

Three Nights Drunk - Folksong [Long]

Late one night when I came home
So drunk I couldn't see,
I saw a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be.

Wifey dear, oh wifey dear,
Oh please explain to me,
How come a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be?

You old fool, you stupid fool,
It's plain...

My mate Jeff met a Tinder who invited him back to her flat for a with her twin...

Apparently her brothers moustache was really tickly.

I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous -queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

Two weeks back, as my friend made his way out of a very crowded station in Mumbai (India)

A bespectacled man with a thick moustache approached him and proclaimed in a heavy Malayali accent "You're Sippy Sopan".

My bemused friend replied "No, I am R Venkatesh".

"Nyo, nyo, you're Sippy Sopan", persisted the Malayali.

"No, no, I am R Venkatesh", insisted my friend.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pair of Twins

I've been shagging a pair of twins recently, and my friend asked me "How do you tell the difference?".
I told him "It's easy! Julie has long blonde hair..."
"..and Derek has a moustache"

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII era Soviet joke

In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering "The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin.

Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy , you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...
14 jokes are hidden here because they may not be suitable for all ages.
show them anyway

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.