Carving Jokes - 37 Hilarious Carving Jokes

Lovers carving names on trees

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I once won a pumpkin carving contest.

It was a hollow victory.

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”

He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?

Premature ejackolantern

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So I was in a wood carving class the other day.

I was making a piece, but I just couldn't seem to be able to find the right kind of knife, so I decided to make my own. After about 2 weeks of working, I had the perfect knife, and I brought it to the instructor of the woodworking class. "Wow." He said, "That's quite a cutting edge design."

Why are cat’s carvings expensive?

Because they start from scratch

I’m bad at this aren’t I

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

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The difference between sex and pumpkin carving?

In pumpkin carving, one is trying to get all of the seeds out.

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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool...

Wooden tit?

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A guy pulls out a stick and starts carving it with his knife. His friend yells: "Hey! You dropped a big piece of wood on my floor!" The first guy responds:

"You're overreacting..........it's just a whittle bit."

My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time.

You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew.

So Julius Caesar has a fencing instructor to teach him swordplay techniques

But what Caesar doesn’t know is that his fencing instructor comes from a tribe of cannibals in a far off land. And eventually, y’know, Caesar’s assassinated and who should happen by his lifeless bloodied body but his old fencing instructor, who gives in to his culinary impulses and starts carving th...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

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What did Sean Connery say about the sexy tree carving?

T'was a nice piece of ash.

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Did you guys here about what was going on at Mount Rushmore before the carvings?

Man, that shit was unpresidented.

Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine?

It's a family heirloom.

The Chair

A man walks into his dining room. As he enters, he notices a strange looking wooden chair among some other chairs at a table.

“Huh, that’s strange.”

“What’s strange?” his wife asks, who just happened to be walking by while brushing her hair.

“That chair over there.”

“Whic...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

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Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny was in the car with his father when the cops pull them over.

His father says, "Oh the bastards."

Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what does bastard mean?"

His father replies, "Oh it's just another name for the cops."

When they get back, Little Johnny's ...

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A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

It’s normally a father’s greatest joy to see his son laughing and smiling.

It’s just that he does it while stabbing a doll with 9 inch carving knife.

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Mothers day scultpures

Ellis and Chris are up late carving sculptures of a mother holding a baby for their Mothers Day stall.

All of them look the same the only differences are the flowers in the mother's hair.

Chris tells a story to Ellis about his favorite flower and why.

*Ellis rolls his eyes*
...

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A little boy is hanging out with his older brother and friends...

And he hears them use the words penis and vagina. So he goes to his mother later and asks, "Mom, what does penis and vagina mean?"

The mother replies, "Oh! Well son, penis is kind of like a hat, and vagina is like a coat."

Later that night, he hears his parents in an argument, calling ...

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin

A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix y...

I invited OJ Simpson to my Thanksgiving dinner.

He's good at carving white meat.

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Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician

A surgeon, an engineer and a politician started arguing about whose profession was first set up in the world.
Surgeon : " According to the Bible, Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam. That makes my profession the oldest."
Engineer : " Even before that the world was created out of chaos i...

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

The Pacific island demigod Chee-sah...

The Pacific island demigod Chee-sah was always depicted in wooden carvings with nothing on from the waist down (except sandals), much to the distress of Christian missionaries who served there. Their urging of the locals to cover the statute’s lower half devolved into piteous begging as they tried t...

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"The kid who didn't know what swear words are"

A young boy goes downstairs to the kitchen to find his parents fighting. The father call his mother a "Bitch". The little boy asks, "Daddy, Daddy what's a bitch?" The father's response, "Oh nothing, just a name I call your mother." The mother retaliates but calling the father a "Bastard". The boy as...

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