The 10+ Best Battles Jokes

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

Pirates!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party. The first mate went running into the Captain's quarters and said,...

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Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

A Christian welder is tasked with making a new frame for a stained glass pane…

…and is asked by his dyslexic priest to do so inside the church, beneath a steel statue of Jesus for it to be blessed by the lord.

The welder tries to do so but struggles as he cannot get the final metal ends of the frame to weld correctly, and more frustratingly he cannot seem to find out w...

Did you hear about the female rapper, who only battles when she's on her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

I heard there's a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester...

They're calling it Alien vs Predator.

Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

What’s different about rap battles and American schools?

People usually don’t cry at rap battles when there’s shots fired.

What are battles between birds called?

Poultry Slam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

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