I can work the lyrics of “Uptown Funk” into any conversation I have.

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

I want the trumpets from “Uptown Funk” to play in the background wherever I go.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

So I was driving Uber tonight...

So I was driving Uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCC. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed i...

The Tourist

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry,...

two blondes and a bus

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the doors. One of the blondes leans in and asks the driver "will this bus take me uptown?"

The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't"

The second blonde leans inside and asks "how about me?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

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