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Madison Jokes

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it’s not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

I saw Vanilla Ice at Madison Square Garden.

He sold me a hot dog.

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

I’m worried about this lawsuit against Madison Cawthorn.

I just don’t see him walking away from this one.

What is Josh Duggar's second favorite dating website after Ashley-Madison?

Ancestry.com

Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list...

It's a pretty bad state of affairs

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

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I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now.

About time I got fucked.

I was in the Chase Bank on Madison Avenue today...

Asian woman in front of me was attempting to exchange currency, apparently Korean won for US dollars.

Things were getting tense, and I heard her tell the teller: “Why yeh-today you gimme one-hundred dollah and to-day you gimme only eighty dolllah?”

Teller: “Fluctuations.”

Wonan:...

Was talking with a friend recently about security breaches and mistyped “Assley Madison”

I think it has a nice ring to it.

I'll refrain from making any jokes about the Ashley Madison controversy...

They're such an easy target, it might be considered cheating.

Jared Fogle of Subway told his wife she didn't have to worry about the Ashley Madison leaks...

...he was on Club Penguin.

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.

I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.

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A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping

A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping on Madison Avenue when they run into each other and talk about the gifts they've bought their wives.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas and the rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz" ...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

Blond calls IT

IT guy shows up and asks for her password. She says "New York Atlanta Washington Sacramento Madison Goofy"
It guy fixes her computer, then asks her " Why the long password?
She says it was your rule five capitols and a character

I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians

So I joined Ashley Madison

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

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Monkeys.

After years of tedious interdisciplinary study, researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison confirmed that the reason monkeys throw feces is because they considered the target's behaviors to be acts of aggression.

... Talk hit, get shit.

Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.

Johnny said, “Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she’s one of the greats.”

“That’s nothing,” said Billy, “Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she’s a Hall-of-Fame-girl.”

Little Jimmy just shook his head. “You know Becca Sampson? S...

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

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Osama bin Laden dies and goes to heaven . . . .

. . . . So he's waiting at this gate when all of a sudden, George Washington comes out.

"You attacked the country I helped found!" and beats the crap out of him. Then he goes back inside and Thomas Jefferson comes out. "You hate the Declaration of Independence that I wrote!" And beats the eve...

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From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge...

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Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

Short comical narrative I wrote

The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The wo...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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