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What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

What do you call a Soviet sniper?

A Marx man

Perils of being a Sniper

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?  



I missed you this morning.

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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My girlfriend told me I had a sniper penis

I said, “Because I always hit the right spot.”

She said, “No, because I can’t see it hiding in the bush.”

I always wanted to be a marine sniper!

... But I know it's a long shot.

What do you call the sniper in a squad of Antifa supersoldiers?

The designated Marxman!

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

Took my mom out yesterday!

Being a sniper is awesome.

Why can't antivaxxers be snipers?

Because they won't take the shot

My friend started calling the girls I was interested in very bad snipers

Because not even they would take me out.

The queen goes to a military camp

The men show her around and present her a bunch of sniper rifles. She looks through them and says.

This is all nice but I think a simple car crash will do.

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

What did the bodyguard tell the president when he spotted a sniper?

Donald, Duck

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF.

She didn't want a long distance relationship.

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A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

I had a friend with a particularly large head.

We used to call him "sniper's dream"

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

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What did the jewish girl on the swing do?

Fuck with the German snipers.

How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

Have you played BLIND SNIPER yet?

No?

You don't know what you're missing.

I took out my ex today!

Being a sniper is amazing.

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

What are the nicest words you'll ever hear from a sniper?

I'm gonna miss you.

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

Communist snipers are the best.

They are marxmen who can shoot from all engels.

I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

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A sniper goes to a shop to buy a viewfinder.

He tries many until the shopkeeper shows him the very best: a fantastic viewfinder worth 3000$.
The sniper tries it out, but he is unsure because of the price. "Ah, take a look" says the shopkeeper "can you see the yellow house there in the middle of the fields?" "Sure thing", says the sniper. "W...

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

I told my commander that I'd like to be a sniper

But he told me it would be a long shot.

A French sniper, bored with the endless stalemate, has a clever idea

Lots of German soldiers are named Hans, a common name. So he gets in position and calls out "Hey, Hans!" A head pops up. "Ja?"

Bang! The Frenchman shoots him dead. It works! The next few days, he goes up and down his trench, racking up his kill count.

After a few days, a German officer...

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper?

360 hoscope

Did you know the first sniper was a Mexican?

Juan shot, Juan kill.

My eldest put together a Dora joke

When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.

My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.

He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just...

What does Hillary Clinton do when she sees a sniper in Bosnia?

Ducks on the ground

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The best sniper ever

One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again."

Guy walks into a store in the US

He says, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition. And I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

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