UPJOKE
sniper riflemarksmanartillerygunpoliceghillie suitrifletelescopesoldierriflingbritish armyangular milsniper scopesharpshooterenemy

Sniper Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

I tried to have a relationship with a sniper....

but I knew from the beginning it was a long shot.

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

I told my friend the joke about the bad sniper

But it went right over his head.

I had a joke about bad snipers

but I am afraid it won't hit the intended audience.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

Hundreds of armed men, snipers on the roofs, traffic blocked. What is that?

Peace conference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

I told my friend Kennedy was killed by a sniper bullet

He told me "Nah, not by a long shot"

My sniper rifle has conjunctivitis cream smeared all round the eyepiece

It’s a sight for sore eyes

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me I had a sniper penis

I said, “Because I always hit the right spot.”

She said, “No, because I can’t see it hiding in the bush.”

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

Perils of being a Sniper

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?  



I missed you this morning.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "What'd you do this weekend?"

The guy says, "I picked off a scab."

"Oh, so it wasn't very eventful?"

"Well, actually, I'm on strike with the sniper's union."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sniper...

...went to the nearby rifle shop to buy a scope for his gun. The manager takes out a scope and tells him "This scope is so good, you can see my house 5km up that hill." The sniper tests this out. Upon seeing the managers house he is shocked, and tells him there's a naked man and woman in there. The ...

I had a prior career as a night time sniper

Every mission was a shot in the dark.

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best sniper ever

One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again."

I always wanted to be a marine sniper!

... But I know it's a long shot.

What is an I.R.A sniper's favorite cheese?

Provo-lone

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

Why can't antivaxxers be snipers?

Because they won't take the shot

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

Did you know the world's first sniper was Mexican? He even inspired the Sniper motto.

Juan shot, Juan kill.

Why do snipers close 1 eye when aiming?

If they closed both they wouldnt be able to see

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

What do you call the sniper in a squad of Antifa supersoldiers?

The designated Marxman!

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

Have you played BLIND SNIPER yet?

No?

You don't know what you're missing.

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

What did the bodyguard tell the president when he spotted a sniper?

Donald, Duck

My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF.

She didn't want a long distance relationship.

Communist snipers are the best.

They are marxmen who can shoot from all engels.

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

My friend started calling the girls I was interested in very bad snipers

Because not even they would take me out.

I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

What are the nicest words you'll ever hear from a sniper?

I'm gonna miss you.

A French sniper, bored with the endless stalemate, has a clever idea

Lots of German soldiers are named Hans, a common name. So he gets in position and calls out "Hey, Hans!" A head pops up. "Ja?"

Bang! The Frenchman shoots him dead. It works! The next few days, he goes up and down his trench, racking up his kill count.

After a few days, a German officer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sniper goes to a shop to buy a viewfinder.

He tries many until the shopkeeper shows him the very best: a fantastic viewfinder worth 3000$.
The sniper tries it out, but he is unsure because of the price. "Ah, take a look" says the shopkeeper "can you see the yellow house there in the middle of the fields?" "Sure thing", says the sniper. "W...

I was looking to buy a sniper rifle at a small arms store

but it was a long shot

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

Why do you always let a woman go through the door first?

Snipers!

After years of loneliness, I finaly gathered all my courage to take my ex out

It’s good to be a sniper in the US army

What does Hillary Clinton do when she sees a sniper in Bosnia?

Ducks on the ground

What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper?

360 hoscope

Expert Marksman

Three snipers are out on the range, bragging about their skills.

“I can out-shoot either of you clowns. See that beer can out beyond the target?” The other two confirm. The first sniper lines up his shot, squeezes off a round and BOOM, can pops up in the air and lands 20 yards back.

...

Hitman for the Wife

A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

Missing someone is a terrible feeling

Ask any sniper

Trump will be President until 2020

It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...

I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.