What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

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My girlfriend told me I had a sniper penis

I said, “Because I always hit the right spot.”

She said, “No, because I can’t see it hiding in the bush.”

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

What's the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, the other can hoot but not sh*t.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

What do you call Two Mexican Snipers?

Juan Shot
Juan Kill

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

Why can't antivaxxers be snipers?

Because they won't take the shot

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

My eldest put together a Dora joke

When my two younger sons were in the toddler to kindergarten age, they loved watching Dora the Explorer. Episode after episode. My wife & I found it very cute.

My eldest found it quite annoying. But he was a teenager then.

He came up with a Dora joke after a weekend of 500 (just...

What did the bodyguard tell the president when he spotted a sniper?

Donald, Duck

I will never be killed by a sniper

Not by a long shot

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

My friend started calling the girls I was interested in very bad snipers

Because not even they would take me out.

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

What do you call an Irish sniper who kills his opponents by bouncing bullets off of hard surfaces?

Rick O'Shea

How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

What did the red army call their snipers?

Marxmen

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF.

She didn't want a long distance relationship.

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

Have you played BLIND SNIPER yet?

No?

You don't know what you're missing.

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

Guy walks into a store in the US

He says, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition. And I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

What are the nicest words you'll ever hear from a sniper?

I'm gonna miss you.

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

I told my commander that I'd like to be a sniper

But he told me it would be a long shot.

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A sniper goes to a shop to buy a viewfinder.

He tries many until the shopkeeper shows him the very best: a fantastic viewfinder worth 3000$.
The sniper tries it out, but he is unsure because of the price. "Ah, take a look" says the shopkeeper "can you see the yellow house there in the middle of the fields?" "Sure thing", says the sniper. "W...

Communist snipers are the best.

They are marxmen who can shoot from all engels.

Tf2 joke

Why doesn’t the sniper hit on girls?









He only huntsman.

After years of loneliness, I finaly gathered all my courage to take my ex out

It’s good to be a sniper in the US army

A French sniper, bored with the endless stalemate, has a clever idea

Lots of German soldiers are named Hans, a common name. So he gets in position and calls out "Hey, Hans!" A head pops up. "Ja?"

Bang! The Frenchman shoots him dead. It works! The next few days, he goes up and down his trench, racking up his kill count.

After a few days, a German officer...

What does Hillary Clinton do when she sees a sniper in Bosnia?

Ducks on the ground

What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper?

360 hoscope

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

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The best sniper ever

One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again."

Of course a Canadian sniper shattered the record for the longest confirmed kill in history....

...they stay as far away from the fight as possible. Sorry.

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A Sniper...

...went to the nearby rifle shop to buy a scope for his gun. The manager takes out a scope and tells him "This scope is so good, you can see my house 5km up that hill." The sniper tests this out. Upon seeing the managers house he is shocked, and tells him there's a naked man and woman in there. The ...

Why can't you get drunk with a sniper?

Because they are usually done after one or two shots.

I need to know if this works

So I've come up with another joke. Feel like it's a bit 'meh'.



I think I had an invisible sniper friend once - his name was Theo Reticle.

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

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A hunter kills a bear

A hunter kills a bear. He goes to check what he killed and the dad of that bear comes behind him and taps him on his shoulder. Bear says "what you've done isn't very nice is it?" bear gives him 2 options "i either eat you or fuck you in the ass". The hunter thinks and goes with the second option. ...

I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.

Being a sniper is awesome!

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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

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A woman discovers her husband has been cheating on her. She immediately hires a hitman to enact revenge...

Upon meeting the hitman she explains through her rage that she wants the hitman to shoot the woman with whom her husband was cheating in the head. Wanting her husband to suffer, she tells the hitman not to kill him, but to shoot him in his groin.

That evening, knowing her husband will be meet...

Say “cheese.”

Person I just met: So, what do you do for a living?

Me: I take professional headshots.

Person: Oh, you’re a photographer?

Me: (tucks sniper rifle behind my back) No, not exactly...

Is that you Hans?

During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.



So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said o...

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

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A man wins an online lottery of $5000 but finds out her entered the wrong email address.

He comes home disappointed and tells his son to send an email kindly requesting him to transfer all the money to his account, since he is the rightful recipient of the cash prize. However, his panic attack kicks in as he realizes he probably won't accept their request, and he tells his son to just s...

Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.

Trump will be President until 2020

It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...

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"Oh fuck, I missed the bus... Again."

-Sniper

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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then the...

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