What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man

What do you call Two Mexican Snipers?

Juan Shot
Juan Kill

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

I will never be killed by a sniper

Not by a long shot

What do you call an Irish sniper who kills his opponents by bouncing bullets off of hard surfaces?

Rick O'Shea

Why can't antivaxxers be snipers?

Because they won't take the shot

What's the difference between a bad sniper and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, the other can hoot but not sh*t.

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

What did the bodyguard tell the president when he spotted a sniper?

Donald, Duck

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF.

She didn't want a long distance relationship.

Guy walks into a store in the US

He says, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition. And I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

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Do you know what an artist and a sniper have in common?

Being fucking useless in close quarters

What did the red army call their snipers?

Marxmen

Tf2 joke

Why doesn’t the sniper hit on girls?









He only huntsman.

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

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A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with hus best friend.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy that charges $10,000 per bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, w...

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

Have you played BLIND SNIPER yet?

No?

You don't know what you're missing.

What do you call a sniper in the desert?

scout in a drought.

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

What are the nicest words you'll ever hear from a sniper?

I'm gonna miss you.

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

I need to know if this works

So I've come up with another joke. Feel like it's a bit 'meh'.



I think I had an invisible sniper friend once - his name was Theo Reticle.

Communist snipers are the best.

They are marxmen who can shoot from all engels.

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

I told my commander that I'd like to be a sniper

But he told me it would be a long shot.

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A sniper goes to a shop to buy a viewfinder.

He tries many until the shopkeeper shows him the very best: a fantastic viewfinder worth 3000$.
The sniper tries it out, but he is unsure because of the price. "Ah, take a look" says the shopkeeper "can you see the yellow house there in the middle of the fields?" "Sure thing", says the sniper. "W...

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

After years of loneliness, I finaly gathered all my courage to take my ex out

It’s good to be a sniper in the US army

I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

A French sniper, bored with the endless stalemate, has a clever idea

Lots of German soldiers are named Hans, a common name. So he gets in position and calls out "Hey, Hans!" A head pops up. "Ja?"

Bang! The Frenchman shoots him dead. It works! The next few days, he goes up and down his trench, racking up his kill count.

After a few days, a German officer...

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A Sniper...

...went to the nearby rifle shop to buy a scope for his gun. The manager takes out a scope and tells him "This scope is so good, you can see my house 5km up that hill." The sniper tests this out. Upon seeing the managers house he is shocked, and tells him there's a naked man and woman in there. The ...

What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper?

360 hoscope

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A hunter kills a bear

A hunter kills a bear. He goes to check what he killed and the dad of that bear comes behind him and taps him on his shoulder. Bear says "what you've done isn't very nice is it?" bear gives him 2 options "i either eat you or fuck you in the ass". The hunter thinks and goes with the second option. ...

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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

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The best sniper ever

One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again."

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

Say “cheese.”

Person I just met: So, what do you do for a living?

Me: I take professional headshots.

Person: Oh, you’re a photographer?

Me: (tucks sniper rifle behind my back) No, not exactly...

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A golfer went to the golf course to get away from his nagging wife.

When he arrived at the golf course, he saw a man with a giant sniper rifle.

"why are you carrying a rifle around?"
he asked.

"oh, I'm a hitman. you want anybody dead? 1000 bucks a shot!" the gunman replied. "look through this scope, you can see the whole town from here!"

the ...

I took my mother in law out today

I love being a sniper

Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

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A man wins an online lottery of $5000 but finds out her entered the wrong email address.

He comes home disappointed and tells his son to send an email kindly requesting him to transfer all the money to his account, since he is the rightful recipient of the cash prize. However, his panic attack kicks in as he realizes he probably won't accept their request, and he tells his son to just s...

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"Oh fuck, I missed the bus... Again."

-Sniper

Is that you Hans?

During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.



So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said o...

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The Hitman

A man got word that his wife was cheating on him with one of her work colleagues.
After a little investigating, he found this to be true. They met up every Thursday afternoon in a hotel.

The man was heartbroken.
So much so, that he decided both her and her new man had to go, they had ...

When asked to secure the building, the different branches of the military all took unique approachs.

The Army set up a defensive perimeter. Surrounding the building with 50cal implacements, tanks, sandbags, barbed wire and strategically placed snipers.

The SAS approached under the cover of night and stormed the building with a hard and fast two pronged ground and air assault.

The Na...

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We were so poor when I was a kid, my parents used to get my school clothes from the Army surplus shop.

Nothing wrong with that you might think but do you realize how badly bullied you get going to school dressed as a Japanese sniper.

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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then the...

Trump will be President until 2020

It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...

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There was an American Soldier at the Neutral Zone in Korea

The American Soldier was a little bored and he seen a North Korean soldier so he asked "Do you speak english?" No response

So he turned to the south and asked a South Korean soldier if he knew english and he got no response back.

The American Soldier thought maybe they knew sign langu...

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A guy finds out his wife cheats on him with his best friend...

He decides he wants to take revenge... by hiring an assassin.

After meticulous searching, he finds the best at the profession: a sniper so good he never missed a shot. The assassin charged a fixed $10k fee per bullet. The guy hesitantly agrees to hire him.

Then he proceeds to tell the ...

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