I had a joke about bad snipers

but I am afraid it won't hit the intended audience.

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What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

Two snipers are going through the desert when all of a sudden they come under fire...

"Spotter"... says the shooter, "find out where those shots are coming from!"

So the spotter takes out his scope and starts panning round... "I think I found them. There is a small shrub, covered in bacon, gammon, and pork chops"

"That's them..."says the shooter... "it's a ham-bush!"

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

I had a prior career as a night time sniper

Every mission was a shot in the dark.

What is an I.R.A sniper's favorite cheese?


A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper.

Not by a long shot!

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.

Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

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My girlfriend told me I had a sniper penis

I said, “Because I always hit the right spot.”

She said, “No, because I can’t see it hiding in the bush.”

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

Honey I missed you this morning.

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

I always wanted to be a marine sniper!

... But I know it's a long shot.

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

What do you call the sniper in a squad of Antifa supersoldiers?

The designated Marxman!

Expert Marksman

Three snipers are out on the range, bragging about their skills.

“I can out-shoot either of you clowns. See that beer can out beyond the target?” The other two confirm. The first sniper lines up his shot, squeezes off a round and BOOM, can pops up in the air and lands 20 yards back.


A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said "I ...

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.

One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.

He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

Missing someone is a terrible feeling. . . .

Ask any sniper.

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

Why can't antivaxxers be snipers?

Because they won't take the shot

What did the bodyguard tell the president when he spotted a sniper?

Donald, Duck

I just started going for a sniper training course

My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.

Why are Catholics the best snipers?

Because they're always Amen for the head

What do you call an Irish sniper who kills his opponents by bouncing bullets off of hard surfaces?

Rick O'Shea

My buddy from Sniper school broke up with his GF.

She didn't want a long distance relationship.

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning

Being a sniper is awesome!

What did the sniper say to his wife when he came back from work?

I missed you

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

What do you call a sniper in the desert?

scout in a drought.

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

How does a highly decorated sniper retire his old trusty sniper rifle?

With an honorable discharge.

Have you played BLIND SNIPER yet?


You don't know what you're missing.

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?


A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

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A Sniper...

...went to the nearby rifle shop to buy a scope for his gun. The manager takes out a scope and tells him "This scope is so good, you can see my house 5km up that hill." The sniper tests this out. Upon seeing the managers house he is shocked, and tells him there's a naked man and woman in there. The ...

I can never be consistent when I play sniper.

It's always a hit or miss.

Communist snipers are the best.

They are marxmen who can shoot from all engels.

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A sniper goes to a shop to buy a viewfinder.

He tries many until the shopkeeper shows him the very best: a fantastic viewfinder worth 3000$.
The sniper tries it out, but he is unsure because of the price. "Ah, take a look" says the shopkeeper "can you see the yellow house there in the middle of the fields?" "Sure thing", says the sniper. "W...

A French sniper, bored with the endless stalemate, has a clever idea

Lots of German soldiers are named Hans, a common name. So he gets in position and calls out "Hey, Hans!" A head pops up. "Ja?"

Bang! The Frenchman shoots him dead. It works! The next few days, he goes up and down his trench, racking up his kill count.

After a few days, a German officer...

I told my commander that I'd like to be a sniper

But he told me it would be a long shot.

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

What do you call a hooker that was shot by a sniper?

360 hoscope

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A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

Did you know the first sniper was a Mexican?

Juan shot, Juan kill.

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

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The best sniper ever

One guy pretends that he's the world's best shooter.
As everybody suspicious, He said: "See this fly?" Then aim at the fly 500m away and shoot.
A man laugh and said "well, your fly is still flying my friend!"
and the shooter to reply "It might fly, but it will never fuck again."

Why can't you get drunk with a sniper?

Because they are usually done after one or two shots.

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