I invited my girlfriend to the gym the other day. She didn’t turn up.
We just aren’t working out.
Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'
'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts. 'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.
The second man says: ' Well you k...
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...
A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.
Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them
‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’
Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’
T...
Do you know why cowboy's hats turn up on the sides?
So they can fit three in the cab of a pickup truck.
My son said, “The manual is telling me not to turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s....sound advice.”
How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?
One in Fife
What time does Sean Connery turn up at Wimbledon?
Tennish.
So, I hear Batman didn't turn up to the Christening ..
Christian Bale.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did y...
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