This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did y...

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,

did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

My son said, “The manual is telling me not to turn up the stereo to full volume.”

I said, “That’s....sound advice.”

“Dad, can you turn up the tv?”

“I can’t hear you, sweetie! The TV is too loud.”

Do you know why cowboy's hats turn up on the sides?

So they can fit three in the cab of a pickup truck.

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'

'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts.
'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.

The second man says: ' Well you k...

I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me and didn't turn up.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

How many Scots didn't turn up to vote?

One in Fife

So, I hear Batman didn't turn up to the Christening ..

Christian Bale.

What time does Sean Connery turn up at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

There are 3000 bricks on a plane

One of them falls out - how many are left?
*2999*

How do you put an elephant in the fridge in three steps?
*Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door*

An alligator is throwing a party and all the animals turn up except one - which one?
*The elephant, he’s still in the...

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

i was trying to shorten a pair of trousers, and now I've lost them.

Im sure they'll turn up eventually.

A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.

He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".

They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.

The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.

"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"

2 minutes later, p...

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