A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

“What??? I d...

Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favorite position is ‘the rodeo.’”

“How does that one work?” asks his friend.

“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style. When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.' Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

BREAKING: Matthew McConaughey Announces Gubernatorial Run

When asked regarding his political leanings, McConaughey stated to a reporter that his views were "all right all right all right."

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

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Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that can...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

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Little Timmy’s playing with his trains

He’s sitting at the dining room table and his toy train pulls up to the station. Timmy says “We’ve arrived at Union Station, if this is your stop, get the fuck off, if you’re heading north, get the fuck on we’re ready to go.”

Timmy’s mom hears him say this and scolds her son. She tells him...

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

There's a man, a student, a pilot and an old man on a luxury plane when the pilot announces that the plane is malfunctioning and it will certainly crash

The pilot says - there are 3 parachutes, 1 off us will die.

The pilot and the man take one each, and jump off.

The old man says to the student - I have lived my life, you take the one that's left.

The kid says - We will both live.

"How?" Asks the old man

"The m...

An elderly man is out driving when a man on his radio suddenly announces:

*Beware of a dangerous car driving against the general direction of travel*

Annoyed, the man, alone in his car, mumbles to himself:
*One? There are several hundred of them!*

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces =, ''if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman.''

She removes all her clothing and asks, ''is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?''

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, iron this!''

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

Couple at a Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agriculture show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull produced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in...

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

Her friend says, "How wonderful!" Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first three husbands?"

The woman replies, "First one ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic!" she gasps. "What about your second husband?...

What happens when a bus full of Furries crashes?

Comcast tech support announces they're hiring more intern positions

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

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[NSFW] Jazz bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist

Blues bar announces a competition for the vacancy of a pianist.

Lots of musicians come, including an old man in a really shabby suit. People start playing, and all of them kinda "meh". Then it's the old man's turn to play. He goes up the stage and announces:

\- Now I'm gonna play my s...

A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:

A pirate walks into the kitchen and announces:

"Someone call fer me?"

I look down at my homework, and back up at the pirate and say, "uhhh, I was just trying to figure out how to do this problem, nothing a pirate could help with."

The pirate walks menacingly toward me, and I con...

Hiking

Two women are hiking in the wilds, and they arrive at a chasm over a river with an old bridge. One of the women announces she needs to pee and proceeds to drop her drawers, but before she begins, she looks down and exclaims in a startled voice, "There is a canoe below me full of moose meat!"

...

Chance The Rapper endorses the President and Rudy Giuliani, announces his full support of their voter fraud campaign.

Correction: Chance the Total Landscaper

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The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Pa...

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

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