As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings

but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant...

Its called Eel-on Musk.

TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

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2 Congressmen, 2 rednecks, and 2 tech guys from Silicon Valley go to North Korea . . .

So these 2 Congressmen decided to make a goodwill trip to North Korea. To show the wide range of cultures in the U.S., they took a couple redneck guys from Mississippi and a couple of tech savvy guys from California. After a short tour, they were thrown in prison for not having proper credentials....

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A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley...NSFW

and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:

"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"

"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."

The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room...

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What do you call the area between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane, Australia ...

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
...

In high school I had a Death Valley GPA

It was below "C" level...

If you go through a toll in Death Valley...

Can it be called a death toll?

To abandon an ice cream sundae in Death Valley is to

Desert your dessert in a desert.

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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

How do you ask a Silicon Valley prostitute for a handjob?

Submit a pull request.

All the old farmer wanted to do was make his wife happy.

An old farmer came from riches, but he truly loved his wife. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his money and would do anything to have it all for herself.

She complained about how much effort it took to plant, water, and grow the vegetables. So the old farmer built the strongest dam, and...

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a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley

Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the ...

A Silicon Valley Bumper Sticker: My Other Car Is Autonomous...

...but I never drive it.

My life is like a Nature Valley Granola bar

It keeps crumbling apart

I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades.

They never get above C level.

ELI5: If Silicon Valley seceded from the US

would they be considered a developing nation?

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I plan on opening a sex robot brothel...

It'll be called "The Uncanny Valley"

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

My electricity went out, so I went to visit my friend in New York.

It was definitely a power trip.

(As heard on a really old episode of the podcast “Lexicon Valley”.)

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The Tale of Three Brilliant Brothers

Once upon a time, there lived a rich old man in a remote town. This old man had three sons who are among the smartest people of the century. One day, this old man fell extremely sick, and felt the inevitable is coming. He asked his sons to gather around his deathbed and wanted to talk to them for on...

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks hi...

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If a woman has butt implants...

is her buttcrack silicone valley?

Hey girl, do you like ranch?

Because I'd like to see your hidden valley.

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If the space between a woman's natural breasts is called "cleavage,"...

Then the space between a woman's fake breasts must be the Silicone Valley?

A man is driving to a big city, but he has to go through a desert. [Long]

His car beaks down on the way and he realizes there is no way for him to fix it. He starts to walk when he sees a snake rise out of a hole. The snake speaks to him.

“I see you are tired. I will grant you three wishes. The first is free, but the second comes with secrecy and the third with a f...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

The Bear Hunter

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.

Soon a brown bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired and killed the bear dead.

Suddenly then t...

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?” 

God said, “Go down into that valley” 

Adam said, “What’s a valley ?” 

God explained it to him.  Then God said

“Cross the River."

Adam said, “What’s a river ?" 

God explained that to him, and then said, ...

I like like my wine like I like like my women

Like totally from the valley.

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.

I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started r...

The Christian Horse (long)

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.

When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of ...

Q: What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

A: Silicon Valley

A man strikes up a conversation with another gentleman who is older he tells him its going to be his 50th wedding anniversary this week

the young man replies wow, that's amazing. tell me what's your secret.
the older gentleman replies well ill tell you, it all started back when we were on our honeymoon. we were at the grand canyon and going to take a mule ride down into the valley. we saddled up and my wife tried to get on the m...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Three Monkeys

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.


'The one on the left costs $500,' says the store owner.


'Why so much?' asks the cus...

An Irishman was sitting at a bar in London

...when he heard a guy with an Irish accent and asked if he was from Ireland.
"Yes" he replied. "Well so am I " said the first patron."What part of Ireland are you from?
The second patron replied " I'm from a small Village called Green Valley "
"I'll be damned!" "I'm from Green Valley too"....

So there's this cheerio who works at Burger King...

And he's a fantastic employee. He constantly washes tables and takes orders without complaints.

Every month, the Burger King Corporation throws a cheerio employee of the month party. It's always been Honey Nut's dream to go, but Fruity always gets to go. Every. Damn. Month. But not this mont...

Did you hear about the robot that looks eerily like Evil Knievel?

He's doing a motorcycle jump over the uncanny valley.

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town...

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town at the beginning of winter and sees a man that is ferociously chopping wood.

"Why are you doing that", he asks?

"Oh we are getting a very cold winter, I am just preparing. "

"How do you know that?"

"Well look over there between those...

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The real 12 days of Christmas

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Valley, Colorado

December 14, 1979

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest l...

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[NSFW] Camping Sex

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend th...

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Are You Sure

A forester is very much bored with his job in the forest mountains.
 He is bored because he hasn't had sex for many years. He decides to go
 down to the valley to look for females. Before going down, he promises
 himself to have sex with the first female he should meet on the way.
 He th...

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An old and young buck were on a hill

Looking down into the valley full of does. The young buck says " I'm going to run down there and fuck one of those does." The older buck replies "You go right ahead. I'm going to walk down and fuck them all."

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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to wal...

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John wants to start bear hunting, so he goes to his local gun shop...

"I want to bear hunt." Says John, "But I don't know where to go. Any tips?" He asks the man at the counter.

"Well, I have heard of this one ridge where there is always a bear every day at 2pm. You are gonna need a good gun though because he is massive."

"Ok, give me that 30-06. That sh...

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A man that was recently fired from his job and divorced decided to move to the mountains.....

He decided to live a secluded and solitary life in the most remote regions of the Appalachian Mountainous he could find. His first year was tougher than he expected especially during the winter months, but he faired well all things considered.

On a warm day during the following spring, he was...

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

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A man is on a road trip with his family.

He's driving, his wife is next to him with a severe headache, and his kids are in the backseat being little obnoxious jerks, as kids do. They had to get up early that morning to leave, and as such the kids are tired and cranky, and it was so hard to get everyone ready that he didn't even have time t...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

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My brothers and I were carrying my dad's casket...

My dad recently passed away due to pneumonia. Naturally, my brothers and I were paul bearers at his funeral. The funeral home was up on a hill with a busy road leading down into the valley. As we were carrying his casket out of the hearse, it slipped out of our hands and begin to tumble downhill. We...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

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A joke my 8 year old told me.

I took my son hiking in Round Valley in California. The hills are pretty steep and along the trails you can see multiple "cow pies" as he calls them (cow poop).

As we're hiking up a steep hill:

Son: "Geez dad, my legs are killing me. The cows out here must have such nice calves!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the gap between a pair of fake boobs?

Silicone Valley.

A farmer forces three men to pick a fruit...

Three men are driving and get lost. They are running low on gas and its dark, so they decide to pull over and sleep in a barn until morning. In the morning, the farmer who owns the barn wakes the three men up at gun point angry about freeloaders.

The farmer tells the three men, "I will le...

Thor

Thor goes out for a ride on his mighty war horse.
He rides all morning and afternoon until as the sun sets he is sat on the top of the highest mountain overlooking his entire domain.
He stands up on the horse and shouts "I AM THOR" and as his voice echoes through the valleys his horse replies:...

Jimbo and Jon, two cowboys see a wanted poster for Indian scalps...

The poster says there will be a fifty dollar reward for each scalp brought back. So Jimbo and Jon decide to try and make some money.

They get supplies together and head straight into Apache territory hoping to find a couple unsuspecting Indians. The first day they manage to sneak up on one an...

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Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner?...

Hunting overload!

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.


They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls.

The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk, But the p...

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an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

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Joe moves to the country

So Joe the business guy finally had enough of the speed and stress of the city.

Selling everything he buys the most isolated place he can find. Its a small place way up in a lonely valley way in the middle of nowhere. Other then a monthly supply run he's totally alone. Joe starts to unwind.<...

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A young bull and an old bull...

A young bull and an old bull stood at the top of a hill, looking down upon the valley below where hundreds of cows were grazing.

"Hey! Let's run down this hill and fuck one of those cows!" exclaimed the young bull.

"No." stated the old bull. After a moment he continued "Let's walk dow...

An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance...

And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off.

See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. ...

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Throwback Joke: Liver and Cheese

Some backstory, there was a tornado at boy scout camp one summer and we were assembled in the valley in an attempt to stay safe and the counselor told us that he would laugh at any joke we told. So I told this one:
"Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, ...

A man is stranded in the middle of a desert.

Thirsty and desperate, he stumbles upon a small camp owned by a priest. The priest sees him and decides to help the poor man by lending him his horse to ride to the nearest town.

"There's just one thing you need to know about this horse," says the priest. "He's very religious, so to get him t...

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The story of the Fukawi Indian Tribe

Our tribe has rich and long-standing history. Long time ago, our tribe wander the wilderness. For many years, we wander looking for land to call our own. Our chief led our people through mountains, valleys, seashores and plains.

People were born wandering. People died wandering. After an ent...

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...