A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 idiots standing in the way of his train.

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Rumor has it that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decided to team up with NASA to fake the moon landing together, but to make it look as realistic as possible, they urged NASA to film on location.

Compliments of Neil De Grasse Tyson

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

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I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

Going to the local tattoo shop to get a realistic tattoo of a band aid on my elbow.

I'm just hoping that they can pull it off!

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,


It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

Wanna watch Mad Max: Fury Road in VR so realistic you'd swear it's real?

Go to America

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pick up artist.

CoD WW2 is so realistic...

Even the servers are from 1941.

I've come up with some rules changes to make Settlers of Catan more realistic

Before you build a settlement, you have to murder and enslave all the natives that live on the island.

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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic!

I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic

I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe

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I bought a sex robot that’s so realistic

It won’t have sex with me either

I had a realistic King Louie doll.

Then it's head fell off, making it even more realistic.

A man is playing the most realistic game in the world with his wife.

He gets her pregnant in the game and she gets an abortion. She gets banned from the server for spawn killing

Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

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I bought a sex robot that's so realistic,

Whenever I try to have sex with it, it goes into sleep mode.

Video games are becoming more and more realistic...

Because they're becoming more and more pay-to-win

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator?

"No, how does it work?"
"Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

The realistic magician

A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my ...

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Miraculous Statue

One morning two priests are showering and they realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. He checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear...

The moon landings looked more realistic than Hillary's rally last week.

And those were faked with 1960s technology.

My girlfriend said her free pass is Chris Hemsworth.

I told her my free pass is much more realistic and she should change her pick. She even agreed with me.

So I don't know why she got so mad when I said mine is her sister.

In the interest of of trying to make the classic doll more realistic, and easier for children to identify with, a new version is about to be released called "Divorced Barbie"

She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.

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When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, hes called a pervert?

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wow I just got the best blowjob of my life

Never knew VR porn could be so realistic!

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A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

Four Different Views Of Life

One day, three friends went walking on a train track stumbled upon a tunnel (mind you, the first is an Optimist, the second a Realist, and the third a Pessimist). The Optimist says,
“Fellas, lets go through this tunnel! C’mon it’ll be fun!”
The other two roll their eyes and agree. About halfw...

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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle ...

Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".

He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"

The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."

An...

A monk, 3 nuns and liquid soap (long)

So 2 monks were going to have a shower and as they got in, they realised that they didn't have any soap so one of them went up to his room as he had some there. As he was leaving, he saw 3 nuns in the hallway so posed as a statue to wait for them to go past.

When they reached him, the first n...

Wife: "Oh Honey, what would you do without me?"

Me: "realistically or in my fantasies?"

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

An old priest climbs a mountain and asks god:

"dear lord, I've given you my life and my love. I've dedicated my entire life to spreading your name. In my old day, please grand me a wish"

So God told him "fine, you are granted one wish. But don't make it to difficult on me."

The priest thinks for a while and then says "dear god, I...

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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.

“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”

“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, ...

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

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World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. 


"World peace" I said. 

"Something more realistic!" she laughed 

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?" 

She reached for the phone. 

"Who are you calling?" I asked. 

"The United Nations" she replied.

A New tattoo

My wife got a new tattoo yesterday, its so realistic. It's a seashell on her upper thigh, and when you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

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Gaming Sex Robot

I brought a sex robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have sex with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...

My boss rolled into work in a sweet new ride...

I said "Nice car, I'd kill to drive one of those!". He says "Well, if you set realistic goals, work hard and are determined I can get an even better one next year".

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The Date Tree

As some of our biologically-inclined friends on her might know, the date tree is a plant that takes about 90 years to mature and begin producing fruit, meaning the original planter of the tree (realistically) does not get to see the tree bear the fruits of his labor.

One day, a wise old monk ...

Sometimes it's fun to switch things up in the bedroom..

But realistically, I only have two hands

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