UPJOKE
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Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

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A story about a pessimist, an optimist and a realist..

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the tracks.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

CoD WW2 is so realistic...

Even the servers are from 1941.

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

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Last night I had a sex dream that was so realistic

When I woke up all my money was gone

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

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People say porn isn’t realistic…

But Elon Musk’s dad just had a kid with his stepdaughter and Zach Wilson is sleeping with his mom’s best friend.

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I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic

I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe

The realistic magician

A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my ...

I had a realistic King Louie doll.

Then it's head fell off, making it even more realistic.

The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic!

I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

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I bought a sex robot that’s so realistic

It won’t have sex with me either

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I bought a sex robot that's so realistic,

Whenever I try to have sex with it, it goes into sleep mode.

Video games are becoming more and more realistic...

Because they're becoming more and more pay-to-win

Wanna watch Mad Max: Fury Road in VR so realistic you'd swear it's real?

Go to America

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The eldest of my six kids came up to me earlier and showed me a drawing she'd done of her mum's vagina. It looked incredibly realistic.

Especially when the other five came along and ripped it to fucking pieces.

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

I've come up with some rules changes to make Settlers of Catan more realistic

Before you build a settlement, you have to murder and enslave all the natives that live on the island.

Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator?

"No, how does it work?"
"Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."

Going to the local tattoo shop to get a realistic tattoo of a band aid on my elbow.

I'm just hoping that they can pull it off!

Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

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A person who discriminates race is racist; Sex- sexist, age- ageist, disability- ableist, religion-

Realist

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

Four Different Views Of Life

One day, three friends went walking on a train track stumbled upon a tunnel (mind you, the first is an Optimist, the second a Realist, and the third a Pessimist). The Optimist says,
“Fellas, lets go through this tunnel! C’mon it’ll be fun!”
The other two roll their eyes and agree. About halfw...

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

A Spaniard and a Frenchman are on a train ...

When they get to their final destination, a woman is disembarking from the train, trips, and falls down the stairs with her dress flying up as she tumbles down. The Frenchman being the realist says "C'est la vie," to which the Spaniard replies, "Yo tambien."

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

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World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. 


"World peace" I said. 

"Something more realistic!" she laughed 

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?" 

She reached for the phone. 

"Who are you calling?" I asked. 

"The United Nations" she replied.

In the interest of of trying to make the classic doll more realistic, and easier for children to identify with, a new version is about to be released called "Divorced Barbie"

She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.

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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

What does a prudent Ukrainean learn?

It depends.

An optimistic Ukrainian learns English.

A pessimistic one learns Russian.

A realistic one learns how to shoot a rifle.

 

It's an old Romanian joke, from the '90s, it suddenly became relevant for our neighbours.

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,


It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

My girlfriend said her free pass is Chris Hemsworth.

I told her my free pass is much more realistic and she should change her pick. She even agreed with me.

So I don't know why she got so mad when I said mine is her sister.

I was at a Starbucks and a woman asked me...

I was in Starbucks once...

So one time I was in Starbucks and a woman asked me if I knew how to make a fake story she could post on social media.

I smiled and said “first you have to keep it in a realistic setting, like a Starbucks or McDonald’s or somewhere realistic”

The robbe...

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wow I just got the best blowjob of my life

Never knew VR porn could be so realistic!

Wife: "Oh Honey, what would you do without me?"

Me: "realistically or in my fantasies?"

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle ...

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

A small boy has homework..

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

...

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