Il Jokes - 53 Hilarious Il Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Il never forget my grandfathers final words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

What did Kim Jong Il call his Kindle?

The Dear Reader.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I often say il mondo to my Italian friends

it means the world to them

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

Kim Jong il is dead?

I guess that's the end of HIS Korea.

Osama, Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il?

Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year.

Kim Jong-il became Kim jong-ded

Now Kim Jong-Un with his wife who has vanished from public since 7 months, might be having a Kim Yung-Un

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Yong Il, Stalin and Hitler have their personal hell...

...which consists of a swamp that will let you sink deeper the more lies you spread during your time as a leader.

Kim Yong Il is buried till his waist.

Stalin is buried till his chest.

Hitler is standing upright above them all, barely sunken in till his ankles with a big grin on...

I went to a seafood restaurant

I looked at the menu and said "I think il try the octopus" the waiter said "ok sir but it will take four hours" I said "FOUR HOURS!"

he said "yes..we cook them while they're alive and they keep turning the gas off"

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Kim jong il takes Kim jong un on a visit to a food processing company.

Il points at a machine and says: “This one, you put a pig into it and sausages will come out on the other side. The power of science is amazing!” To which Un replied: “ Is there a device then, where you put in a sausage, and pig comes out?”
•

Kim jong il: YOURMOM

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen
it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks by dick tastes funny".

What song did Kim Jong Il request be played at his funeral?

Journey - Don't Stop Bereaving.

How did Kim Jong-Il begin his audio autobiography?

"Dear Reader"

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il

Assistant: Excuse me, a what?

Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.

Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.

Ta-da!

What did the hungry missile say?

When is launch at?

I went into this fancy restaurant…

…and asked:
“Can I have some Sesame Chicken please?”

The waiter said “sorry sir, this restaurant is French Cuisine “

“Ok, can I have Sesame Chicken, s”il vous plait?”

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

Two priests go into the shower

In the shower they notice that there are no soap.

One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back...

3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue"..

Nuns look at the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Great Leaders' helicopter ride

Kim Il-Sung, Kim Jong-Il and Kim Jong-Un were on an helicopter touring Best Korea's coutryside.

Kim Jong-Un said: "I'll toss a 100-dollar bill out the window make one man' day."

Kim Jong-Il said: "That's not how you do it; I'll toss ten 10-dollar bill and make ten people happy."
...

2 football players are in a bar

One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man?

Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il.

P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._

Two scientists entered a bar

One orders H^(2)O the other said "Il have H^(2)O^(2)" and dies.

Do you know how Kim Jong Un’s father died?

He was very il

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Custodian’s Cleaning Method Leaves These Girls Rethinking Lipstick

According to a new report, a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12th grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called Boob Sweat

And not humidititties?

Il let myself out..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Having sex with a chicken and an egg tonight.

Il let you know which comes first . Either way we're all getting laid.

Me, Myself and I'll

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. There's this evil me living in my head. I call him "Myself". You've gotta help me get rid of him!"

Doc Punshrunker: "Why, yes! I can help you overcome your multiple-personnality disorder! I'l help you visualize me leading him out of your head and out of your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can say to a child as a patient in the ER but never anywhere else:

"If you don't swallow this I'l have to put it in your butt."

Who hosts the Late Night Show in North Korea?

Jimmy Kim-il

The Democratic People's Republic of North Korea

Why is Kim Jong Un so evil? Because he has no Seoul. In fact, he made a Korea out of it.

Why was Kim Il Sung evil sometimes but not evil other times? He used to have a Seoul.

North Korea

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!” Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. Pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The time I worked at a school for disabled kids

I stood at the front of the class and presented the children with a picture of a mountain bike and asked,
“What is this image of?”
“Mountain bike, sir”
“Well done mong number 1”

Then i showed a picture of a bmx and repeated my question.
“Bmx bike sir!”
“ That right! well done m...

Life Span

Doctor told me i have a bad ilness and he gave me 2 weeks to live, i shot him...... judge gave me 25 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 test in hell

Three guys die and go to hell. The devil greets them and says: "to show u guys that I'm not such a bad guy, Il give you 3 test and if you pass them Il send you to heaven". The three men are very exited and ask what the test are. Well, you can do them in any order but must do all 3. One of them is yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wimpy-looking fellow is sitting in the corner of the bar, all by himself, staring at a beer instead of drinking it...

An hour passes, and Bubba, the local bully decides to mess with him. He walks up, grabs the man's glass and downs it in a few gulps. He slams the glass down and says, "There! That's how a man drinks a goddamn beer, you fucking pussy!"

The little guy looks up at him in horror, and then busts ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy walks into a bar for a beer

Sits down and spots a jar full of 20$ notes , he asks the bartender what it was for and the bartender explains that if anyone does the 3 bar challenges , they would get the jar as a reward . So the man asks what the challenges were and the bartender starts explaining ...
1. You have to go knock o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a bar tender tells a man its 2am, he's got to go.

The man stands up and falls flat on his face.
He tells himself he'll be better after he gets outside.
Crawls outside, falls flat on his face.
Says Il be fine when I get home.
Gets home, again he falls flat on his face.
Decides hes gonna sleep it off.
Next morning his wife wakes h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A North Korean Joke

*Son to Mom: I don't want to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. The students hate me and the teachers hate me.*

*Mom to Son: Son, you have to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. You are the principal and you're thirty five years old.*

As told to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.

The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a french mother and german father dies and goes to hell.

The devil tells him

"Since you are both french and german, I will let you choose between going to french hell or german hell!"

The man asks to see them first, so the devil takes him to french hell. People are standing in a never ending lake, up to their chin in sewage and chained by th...

Air Traffic Control joke

Two pilots were talking in a bar. One asked the other what is the worst air traffic controlling he had experienced. He told the following story....We were coming into Madrid it was socked in with heavy fog and the ILS (Instrument Landing System) was out so we were getting talked down by their radar ...

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"...

Une blague en Français - For french people only

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.

Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.

Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple goes to a picnic...

The husband started preparing the food while the wife, wearing a skirt, spread a blanket and laid down. Suddenly a wondering bee appeared and started flying around the wife. The bee found its way under the wife's skirt and went deeper then expected. The wife panicked and yelled to her husband: "Dave...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.