Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81

In a statement to confused reporters, Kenny Loggins was quoted as saying “I’m alright, Don’t nobody worry bout me”

(It’s a Caddyshack joke)

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Kobe Bryant's teamates say to him while he was scoring 81 points?

"I'M FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor.:

An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says,
“I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer and you have
Alzheimer’s.” The old man brightens up and replies, “At least
it’s not cancer!”

I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

79 and 80 were in a fight

81

Today I will eat TURKEY

...and all 80.81 million people in it.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9-11 Victims because they went through 81 stories in 10 seconds

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend.

With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?

It was my dad’s funeral last week.

We all walk into the chapel and there’s a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says: “81.131.11.216”
My mother hisses to me, “What is *that*?”
I shrugged. “What you asked for: our IP in flowers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lovely Couple

An 81 year old man and his 80 year old wife are sitting together on the couch after celebrating their 60th anniversary. The mood is nostalgic.

Wife: "Do you remember what you thought the first time you saw me?"

Husband: "Yes, as clearly as if it was yesterday. I thought, 'gee I'd lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities ...

The Job Interview

This is a joke my friend told me a while back:

A company has opened a new position and is trying to fill it from a pool of candidates with diverse majors. First the interviewer calls in an art major. The interview goes well, and the interviewer asks one last question: "what's 9x9?" The art ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 50 year old woman decides to give herself a facelift and a boob job...

A 50 year old woman decides to give herself a facelift and a boob job for her birthday. She spends $20,000 and feels pretty good about the results. After her recovery, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, But how old do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Military Retirement Plan

So, the military decides to adopt a new retirement plan, when you retire, you may choose any 2 points on your body, and are paid $10,000 for each inch between them.
First person to retire is a buck sargeant, he walks into the room and asks the official to measure from the top of his head to the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Polish Joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since

I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
...

GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE...

The blondes of America are sick and tired of being made fun of for being air heads. So a group of blondes get together and go to the head of NBC with an idea.

Their idea is a game show where the audience is filled with blondes and the host will call blondes up to the stage at random and ask t...

Adultery

n old man went into confession and told the priest: “Father,I’m 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.”
“I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never,Father”, replied the ol...

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