81 Jokes

"I'M FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it ... read more

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since

I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
... read more

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities ... read more

An 81 year old man and his 80 year old wife are sitting together on the couch after celebrating their 60th anniversary. The mood is nostalgic.

Wife: "Do you remember what you thought the first time you saw me?"

Husband: "Yes, as clearly as if it was yesterday. I thought, 'gee I'd lik... read more

So, the military decides to adopt a new retirement plan, when you retire, you may choose any 2 points on your body, and are paid $10,000 for each inch between them.
First person to retire is a buck sargeant, he walks into the room and asks the official to measure from the top of his head to the b... read more

A 50 year old woman decides to give herself a facelift and a boob job for her birthday. She spends $20,000 and feels pretty good about the results. After her recovery, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, But how old do... read more