UPJOKE
bandu2armbandharpsichordbandlessaccordionorchestrawristletcornetclarinetpiccolotrumpettubabassoonbandshell

Zwei Jokes

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

Zwei Gin Bitte!

During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.

To test their knowledge they enter a pub.

Spies: "Two gins, please!"

Bartender: "Dry?"

Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

Two Germans walk into a London pub

Two Germans walk into a London pub

-2 Martinis please.

-Dry?

-Nein! ZWEI!

two german spies are in a pub in London during ww2...

they sit at the bar and one of them tells bartender they want martini. the bartender asks "dry?" to which one of the spies reply by saying "nicht drei, ZWEI!"

You're It!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, “Eins, zwei, drei…” Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter ...

German guy walks into bar

A German guy and his beautiful date sit down at a bar

He asks the bartender for a couple of martinis

The bartender ask "Dry?"

The German replies, "Nein, zwei."

What do German guys say in prison

What do German guys say in prison?

Ein, Zwei, I'm going in dry.

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud" <...

Three cats are crossing a river.

One of them is called "One Two Three"
The second is called " Un deux trois"
The third is called "Ein zwei"
What is the order of them crossing?

So One Two Three gets to the other side first because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

But the Ein Zwei cat is still drei because it has a ...

Two germans visit France in the early 50s

Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.

"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of...

Day at the Races

It is the finals for a multi terrain cat racing competition. The final event was to swim across a river.

There were three cats in the finals.

- A French cat named *Un Deux Trois*.
- An English cat named *Four Three Two*.
- A German cat named *Eins Zwei*.

During the rac...

Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.

One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.


- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!

A Disney Language Joke I made up

The Disney Princesses had cats. Tiana's was named One, Two, Three, Snow White's was Eins, Zwei, Drei, and Belle's was named Une, Deux, Trois. They decided to put the cats on rafts and race them.

Tiana and Snow White's cats made it to the end, but Belle's died because

Une, Deux, Trois,...

Two german solders at the end of WW2...

...got stranded in Italy. They were tired and thirsty so they went to the closest inn. Since they didn't want to be recognised as germans they agreed to order martinis. While ordering they ask waither for martinis and he asks them: "Dry martini?".

Nein zwei

Why is every 3rd pool in Germany empty?

Eins
Zwei
Drei

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The well trained nazi spy arrives to Britan in 1943.

He walks int a bar and says:- Two Martinis please?- Dry-asks the bartender-Nein zwei!!!!- Shouts the spy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi agent is supposed to pick up some docs from a resident agent in London during WWII.

Due to some unexpected mess-up, they drop at the meeting point, a soldier that speaks no English. The meeting point is a bar. So, they tell him to just come up to the barman, order gin, since the word sounds the same in both languages, nod for "thanks", pay and sit quietly in the corner not uttering...

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, TvĂĽ hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you. ...

German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:

During world war II the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how t...

Two Germans in London

Two Germans wanted to visit London just a few months after the second world war. Because they are afraid that people will judge them for being German they decide to pretend like they are Englishmen.
After a long day of site-seeing they walk into a pub to have a drink.
They walk up to the bar a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.