Funny Courtroom Transcript

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Soviet Union. Judge comes out of the courtroom, laughing.

- Why are you laughing?

- I've just heard a very funny joke.

- Tell me it.

- I can't, I just gave a 10-year sentence for it.

R. Kelly went from being trapped in a closet to being trapped in a courtroom.

Can’t wait for the sequel, trapped in a jail cell.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Courtroom

Next Door
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a pape...

Did you hear about the guy who died in a courtroom after the judge threw a book at him?

He was sentenced to death

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

The details are sketchy

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Did you hear they ended up ruling the courtroom masturbator not guilty?

Apparently he got off on a technicality.

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So a Russian judge walks out of a courtroom

As soon as the door has closed behind him, he doubles over laughing his ass off.

Another judge walks up to him and asks him what's so funny. The he says "I just heard the funniest joke I've ever heard in my entire life!"

The other judge says "Well, come on. What was it?"

"I can'...

A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom.

He can barely contain his laughter. Curious, one of his colleagues asks him, "What's so funny?"

"I just heard this joke in my trial."

"Really? I want to hear it."

"No way, I just gave someone 20 years for it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

Little Johnny is in a courtroom, deciding who will have his custody

Little Johnny has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. Little Johnny surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aun...

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In a courtroom...

*Mickey. mouse, it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?

"No! I said she was fucking goofy!!"

A lawyer walks into a courtroom without a shirt

Lawyer: "Can we please postpone this trial?"

Judge: "Of course, how can we start the trial when you've forgotten your lawsuit!"

What do you call 12 cats in a courtroom?

Purrjury

Courtroom Dramas....

.....are lawsome.

My judge buddy told me about these two guys he had in his courtroom...

The two men were allegedly both involved in heinous crimes. The first man, Peter Phive, was accused of maliciously beating the second man, Willem Sephen. When questioned as to the motive of the attack, Mr. Phive claimed that Mr. Sephen murdered and consumed a dear friend of Mr. Phive's. The alleged ...

I want to be a courtroom artist.

Think about how amazing that job would be! I get to draw people, and these days, i get to meet stars i loved as a child.

Courtroom joke

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

You know the difference between my birthday and a courtroom?

My dad shows up at a courtroom.

A man and his lawyer walk into the courtroom and stand before the judge.

The judge asks "What does the defendant plea?"

The lawyer replies "Your honor, my client pleads trans-guilty."

The judge has a puzzled look on his face.

Lawyer: "He identifies himself as an innocent man."

Blowing Bubbles

Four men are brought into a courtroom.

The first man walks up to his stand and the judge asks his him "what did you do?" The man responds "I was blowing bubbles in the park". The judge, clearly shocked, exclaims "why would you get arrested for that? You're free to go".

The second man ...

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

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The Judge

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on a bench. He picks it up and runs through the first door he sees, which leads to the judge\`s chambers.

The judge says, "Hey kid, go across the street ...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

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A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse divorce

In the courtroom the judge says to Mickey, “Mr Mouse, I don’t see any evidence to support your charge that Mrs Mouse has become insane”. Mickey gets a confused look on his face and says, “Judge, I never complained that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

6ix9ine arrested on racketeering charges

In the courtroom the judge asks, "How does 8 - 10 years sound?"

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

"Sexy", 6ix9ine repli...

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Goatlover

A man gets arrested for making love to a goat in his barn and is facing beastiality charges. The man talks to his lawyer before the trial wondering what he could do to get out of it. His lawyer tells him that he will be in front of a jury, and his best bet would be to appeal to them. His lawyer tell...

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The 5 types of sex

Haven't seen this one so apologies if you have.

​

In life there are 5 types of sex:


1. Smurf sex: During the initial phase when you both have sex until you're blue
2. Kitchen Sex: Starting around the honeymoon period this is when yu have sex everywhere includ...

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

3 ducks were arrested…

Three ducks were arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond. They each appear in court.
Judge calls the first duck to the stand.
Judge: What's your name and why are you here?
First duck replies: My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the pond.
Judge: That's it! $200 fine now...

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case,

the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge decla...

A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:

"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"<...

The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.

"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.

The company was confused entirely, until the law...

I don't like making plans for the day

Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

Looking for a house to rent...

A lawyer, who had a wife and12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they fe...

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Aussie wedding mix up

A wedding occurred, in Austrailia. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a humongous fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all me...

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A Dog Named Sex.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"

Then, I said, "B...

3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court

The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."

So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."

So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're fr...

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

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A man is on trail for a double homicide...

The judge says, "Mr. Johnson, you're being charged with killing your wife with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You son of a bitch!"

The judge continues, "You're also being charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer."

The same guy at the ba...

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

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Jimmy was recently transfered to a new school in the 3rd grade...

It's not because he was a bad students or anything, it's just that his father got a new job as a banker. In fact he was so excited to be in his new school, that the day before the first day of school, he asked his teacher what the students first homework assignment was so he start early. The teacher...

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Little Tommy is walking to school one morning

[Long]

He passes by a couple of older boys, they are having a conversation. Tommy overhears them talking about something called "blue love". Little Tommy is curious, and asks them what blue love is. The boys give him a somewhat offended look and walk away.

Little Tommy goes to class, s...

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Mickey came home from a long day of work.

"Honey! I'm home!" he yelled. However, his wife, Minnie, didn't answer him. He supposed she was just upstairs in the bedroom, taking a nap. When Mickey opened the bedroom door, much to his dismay, he found Minnie having sex with Goofy. "Hey! What are you doing? Get outta here, you creep!"

Day...

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Two drug addicts appear in court...

On sentencing, the judge decides to cut them some slack.

"You two have one week to convince as many drug addicts to give up drugs as possible. After a week, whomever of you convinced more addicts to give up drugs will be let off".

A week later, both addicts return to the courtroom....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian guy named Vinny comes to America to become an American Citizen...

To become an American citizen Vinny has to go to court and stand in front of a judge.

Vinny brings his whole family to the courtroom to cheer him on. They are a very loud and rambunctious Italian family.

Vinny stands in front of the judge and the judge says, "Ok Vinny, before you becom...

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A Prostitute Goes to Court

A Prostitute goes to court with a jury, accused of murdering a customer.

After court is done, she comes out of the courtroom. Her friends asks, "So, how was the jury?"

Prostitute says, "They were hung."

Police Officer's Comeback

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
..

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'...

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Trial in a small town.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,...

A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.

**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"

**Woman:** "4 your honour."

**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."

From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up

**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Five Stages of Sex

1st is Smurf sex. This is where you do it until you're both blue in
the face.

2nd is kitchen sex. This is the honeymoon phase where you do it in
every room of the house, including the kitchen.

3rd is bedroom sex. This is after you've been married for a while,
maybe have a coup...

So I recently read a court case on here... twice... three days apart

And I decide that you must like funny court case, [so here are some court cases I believe you will enjoy](http://www.rinkworks.com/said/courtroom.shtml)