Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.

The emperor penguin mates at temperatures as low as -120 degrees F.

He is a frigid midget with a rigid digit.

When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?

When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

Did you hear about the guy who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He’s 0K now!

Why don't Jedi measure temperatures in Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

My Dad and I walk outside in sub-zero temperatures, and he's wearing a t-shirt.

Me: "Dad, it's really cold, don't you want to wear a coat?"
Dad: "I'm just exercising my second-ammendment rights."
Me: "........."
Dad: "My right to bare arms."

News: Trump inauguration met with record high temperatures.

451 degrees Fahrenheit.

Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F?

Because we're all a little obtuse.