UPJOKE

Welcome Back Jokes

Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group

I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed...

Welcome back to /u/JokeExplainBot

I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground. Sorry for any trouble this caused.

/u/ElderCunningham

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Welcome back to invisibility class.

Going to be honest I’m disappointed to see most of you here today.

A few months ago I lost the retaining clip while replacing a shear pin on my snowblower. I found it today after the snow melted.

>!Welcome back, cotter!!<

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."

I was the Best man at my friend's second wedding

"Welcome back everyone!" was not a good opening to the speech I guess

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A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

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Three couples want to join a church

Three couples want to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from sex for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the couples mee...

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An obese man is trying to lose weight

His friend tells him about this gym where he can lose all his unwanted fat within a few days.

The man goes to that gym, the coach welcomes him "Hello, welcome to the best gym ever. Today you will work in the first floor, where you will lose 20 pounds in 2 hours."

The man enters the fir...

Alanis sets out to Vegas on her annual gambling trip.

On arrival, she heads straight to her usual Blackjack table, where she's greeted by the croupier, "Welcome back Mrs. Terr. The usual loan, I assume?"

She nods and he hands her $10,000 in chips.

After an hour, she's down to $20.

The croupier asks, "Same again, Mrs. Terr?", she n...

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3 married couples ask to join a church

One couple is in their 60s, another around 40, and the last are newly-weds in their late twenties. The priest says that they will have to go celibate for two weeks to prove their commitment to the church, and to check back in then. Two weeks go by and the 3 couples come back to talk with the priest,...

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport in Israel, the voice of the Captain came on:

“Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."

"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay in Israel, ...and to those of you standing in the aisles and...

Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "Thes...

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Three couples want to join a church.

... There is an older couple, a middle aged couple, and a newly wed couple. They all meet with the priest.

The priest tells them they must abstain from sex for two weeks. The priest says "after two weeks, if you are successful in putting God before your own desires we will welcome you into ...

Oprah Winfrey goes to the doctor for a physical...

...she walks into the doctor's office and sits down on the waiting table. The doctor comes in and says,

"Welcome back Oprah! First, I need you to take your clothes off."

She takes off her clothes and sits back down on the table. The doctor then says,

"Now I'm going to need you t...

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Son of a bitch fish

On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, “Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake!”

“Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t ...

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An astronaut returns from working in the ISS, and his friends and family all want to know what it was like in space.

At his welcome back barbeque, he talked about the different foods he ate, how he bathed, and other quirks of living without gravity. The party quieted down, and one of his friends approached to ask the question everybody wanted to know, but nobody wanted to ask.

"Didn't you have time to jack ...

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