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Wast Jokes

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers?

Saskatchewan got to pick first.

Waste of time (machine)

(To waste your time)

(I invented a Time Machine)

(At last)

(I did it)

(Heres the thing:)

(Which you are doing.)

(If you travel back in time)

(You’ll understand)

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.

Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant?

Because he was glowing.

Wasted

A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's g...

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

Wasted weekend

A wasted weekend, is not a waste of a weekend

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You've wasted your time explaining sex to me

I still don't get it.

Orion's belt is a huge waste of space.

Terrible joke, only three stars.

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

What do you waste when you overthink?

Thoughts

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My principal wanted to suspend me because I showed up to school wasted

...but he didn't when he realized I can't hang

Why is it a waste to study history?

Because there is no future in it.

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I work at a waste water plant.

And let me tell you, I've seen some shit.

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

A man wastes 5 years of his life on Reddit...

It’s me. I’m the joke.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt...

He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again"

Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned"

The drunk guy th...

I don't like people who waste my time.

Damn clock suckers.

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Don't waste your time

If you are arguing with your sex partner then you are wasting your fucking time.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

You know what was the biggest waste of money in 2020?

I renewed my passport

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I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water..

And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

How do you waste people's time?

>!not like this !</ >! not like this not like this !</>! / not like this!<



>!not like this tooo!< .>!not like this also !<>!look somewhere else!<



>!Not like this either !< . >! not like this !<.>! not lik...

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

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I saw a sign outside a farm offering free male cow waste

That's Bullshit, I thought to myself.

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I wasted a lot of time training.

When I learned that cockfighting is done with Chickens. That’s 12 months I’m not getting back.

I thought chiropractors were a waste of money

But I stand corrected.

Last nights party was wild. I got totally wasted then jumped in my Uber

Imagine the look on the faces of my passengers while I checked the route.

I heard China recently banned plastic waste

They better not let Kim Kardashian in this week.

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Don't waste toilet paper.

Use both sides.

My mom told me the plastic waste was full

I didn't know she watches Keeping up with The Kardshians

I'm fat because I hate wasting food.

Personally, I blame Africa.

I feel like my purchase of a vacuum cleaner was a waste of money

Ever since I bought all it's done is collected dust

Never invest in Waste Management companies

All of those companies are trash

Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Wife:Why are you wasting money on drinking ?

Husband : Why are you wasting money on Beauty Parlors ?

Wife: It is for you only, so that I can look beautiful to you.

Husband : I am also drinking just for you , so that you look beautiful to me.

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Life's short; don't waste time with superfluous sayings like "prematurely ejaculate"

Instead, try "ejacuearly"

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Underage kid walks up to a wasted bum passed out in an alley...

Kid nudges the bum with his shoe and the old man turns on his back and squints up at the kid. "Yeah?" The bum asks.

Kid says, "I'll give you a beer if you buy me a six."

Old guy agrees and stumbling out the liqueur store he gives the kid five beers. A bit later the kid come back and t...

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

What do you call an award that wastes away?

Atrophy

Seven years of medical training wasted!

After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with a client and can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.

He'd a genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old.

Also Oxycontin.

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

Too much wasted sperm...

Men make millions of sperm every day, but women can only make use of one or two for a couple days of each month. The only logical remedy for this is to take on multiple wives. This is the most logical call to Mormonism.

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I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts.

All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts.

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

How much time per day so you waste on Facebook?

2 hours.

How much time per day do you spend on Facebook?

I just told you 2 hours.

So you admit 100% of your Facebook time is wasted.

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

A new air filtration system has probably been the biggest waste of money I've had.

It just sits there and collects dust.

Having both a shower and toilet is a waste

Why have both when I can easily drink from the toilet?

I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

All-u-can-eat seafood buffets are such a waste.

They’re total overkrill.

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,



***Watt good advice***

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

If this isn't in a movie in the next two years then this year has been a waste!

Setting: Our hero, tied to a chair in a laboratory.
Evil torturer: "So you won't talk, eh?"
Our hero: "You will never make me talk."
ET: "Even if I force you to wear this?" (Whips around. Our hero sees he has a face mask in his hand.)
OH: "No not that! Anything but that. I will tell all....

I feel sorry for the wasted sperm

Some of them turn out stupid, run for President and win.

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Hobo is looking for food in waste containers near MIT campus...

...and suddenly sees a nude drunk young woman sleeping in one of the containers. He wakes her up and asks her:

"What is the second law of thermodynamics?"

Before falling back asleep girl looks at him with dull gaze and answers:

"T... total entropy of an isolated system can never...

Why fart and waste it?

When you can burp and taste it.

What do sad people drink when they want to get wasted?

A Despairados.

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A tourist in Mexico goes into a bar to get wasted

It’s his last week on vacation and one of the things on his bucket list to do is basically to drink until he is completely wasted. As the night prolongs, he notices little by little the bar begins to empty. The bartender in his best English that he can muster says to him, “Señor, I think you should ...

What's the best response when someone wastes your time?

Answers below please....

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

The Washington Redskins are wasting their time with all this business about changing their name.

All they have to do is make their mascot a potato!

You're wasting your time...

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother rep...

As i see a homeless man asking for some money and i wonder, should i really let money get wasted on drugs?...

Nah i better give them to this homeless guy

What do you get when you combine an excess of waste and recycling?

r/jokes

I came here to write jokes and waste your time

But I'm out of jokes, so I'll just waste your time

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

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It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality...

You'd never get a straight answer.

What did the policeman say to the missing waste collector?

Where you bin man?

When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?

Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

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So there's a guy at the bar. Wasted and crying....

The bartender comes up to him and asks what's wrong. "I'm so wasted I just threw up all over myself! My wife said she would leave if I didn't quit drinking and when I get home, I'm done." The bartender says "I can help. Put a $20 in you coat pocket. Tell her you only had one beer, but a drunk idiot ...

Im not going to waste my time on the sequel

Tonight, after giving my wife the business for three minutes. I stood up and walked to the bathroom, and as I turned on the light switch my wife says, "well that short story was anticlimactic". Surprised by her snide remark I yell back, "I enjoyed the ending"! To which she replied, "Im not going to ...

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

A pair of obviously wasted jumper cables walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "gimmie a drink buddy."
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "alright, I will give you one drink. But you better not start something!"

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

If you don't eat that, it will go to waste.

If you *do* eat it, it will go to waist.

I got fired from the banana plantation for "wasting resources"

All i did was throw out the Bent ones

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past..

The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river...

Don't waste your money on drinking, spend money to travel the world...

..and drink while travelling

People say that I always waste my time in front of the computer

Never seen them since

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