Ever had real cane sugar?

It cannot be beet.

I know a guy who collects candy canes

They’re all in mint condition.

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A very old man, who barely sticks with a cane, goes into a pharmacy store...

He asks the woman behind the counter:

"Can you give me half viagra?"

She answers very indignantly :

"How you dare, can't you see what you look like!? What Viagra? See your years! Isn't it uncomfortable?"

"It's not for sex, dear! Just give me enough, so I won't piss on my ...

My 4 year old cane up with this one. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

I saw an oldman struggling with his cane while crossing the street so I decided to help!

I carried his cane to the other side so it doesn't annoy him.

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

Did you hear about the storm that walked with a limp?

It needed to use a hurri-cane.

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

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The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I ha...

A boy asks his grand dad where humans cane from

The grand dad says “well, god created the earth and decided to make humans to populate it.”

The boy says “but that’s not what grand ma said!”

The grand dad asks “well what did she say?”

The boy says “grand ma says that a smart monkey girl had a baby with a smart monkey boy and ...

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

An old lady is walking down the street singing "21 today, 21 today."

A young man beside her snaps "You're not 21 you old bat." With a snap she slams her cane into his head and walks away singing.

"22 today, 22 today." With a smile.

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Two pilots with dark eyeglasses and canes walk into a plane

Everyone starts to comment on it. And a guy asks the flight attendant:
-Excuse me, but it looks that both the pilot and the co-pilot are blind, is this a joke? How are they able to pilot?
To which she answered
-I’m sorry sir, but they are the best and most experienced duo in this Airline a...

Whats the difference between Ornaments, Candy Canes, Myself, and the Star?

You don't hang the star

Always bring a cane to a first date.

You never know, it might be blind love.

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[Long] a blind joke.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is...

A joke for visually impaired Canadians...

So there's this guy who gets up every morning at the same time for work. Every morning he sees his neighbor, who is blind, leave his house with his white cane and go for a walk.

Well one morning the guy gets up and looks out his window and sees his blind neighbor, but to his astonishment, the...

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A man walks into a bar with a cane and alligator....

The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He t...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

True

You can lead a jackass to logic but you can't make them think.

If you laid all of the world's economists end-to-end they wouldn't reach a conclusion.

It is easier to tell a book by it's cover than without it.

If God meant for humans to fly He wouldn't have created so much traffi...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Why did snoop dogg swap his pimp cane for a umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

a couple were walking in the woods...

when they cane across a huge hole. There was an anvil next to a hole. Wondering how deep the whole was, they dropped the anvil down. A few seconds later, a goat went whizzing by and fell down the hole. A few minutes later a farmer ran by and asked the kids if they had seen his pet goat.

"Yes,...

So there was this old man who lived by himself.

His bank saw huge amounts of money being withdrawn and deposited from his account, so they called him and they scheduled an appointment for 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Just in case, the old man hired a lawyer.

So the next morning the old man wakes up and goes to the bank at 10:00 for the app...

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A man got in trouble with the IRS

A man got in trouble with the IRS, because he had too much unexplained money in his bank account. So he called his lawyer and said he'd pick him up on the way to the IRS. When they enter the office, the agent says, "Sir, I'm afraid you're gonna have to explain how you have so much money in your acco...

I found some leftover candy canes from last year that were still in their packaging.

They were in mint condition.

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

He has the white cane with the red end you unfunny, reposting, karma whoring chumps.

Someone used a cane to point out stuff instead of a laser pointer during a presentation today.

He asked for feedback on his presentation.

I said it was fantastick

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Two pilots with white canes proceed to enter their plane's cockpit...

Two pilots with white canes are on their way to their passenger plane's cockpit. They tap here and there with the stick and enter the cockpit. One of the passengers , a business man , notices and exclaims , " Hey , are those two pilots blind?!" . This arises panic between the passengers. Soon afterw...

McDonald's is providing a special crutch to all disabled customers for use in their bathrooms, but the POTUS doesn't like it.

It's called the john McCane.

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An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

Eventually, all hipsters will age and end up needing canes to help them walk...

...ironically.

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

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The old man at the IRS office

An 80 year old gets a summons from the IRS to appear at the offices to discuss large deposits coming into his accounts that don’t appear on his tax filings..

The old man is a bit nervous and he hires a lawyer to assist him...

He arrives Monday morning and goes into the interview room.....

What did the paraplegic rapper call himself?

Twooo canes

The Old Man and the Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Do...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

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An old man gets a call from the IRS

The IRS agent questions the old man about large sums of money going in and out of his bank account, so they end up setting an appointment the next day to discuss in further detail. The old man agrees, and then hires a lawyer just to make sure everything going smooth at the appointment.

So th...

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An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City

An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City.

They drive their wagon all the way into Time Square because they want to find a hotel with a room overlooking all of the cool sights they have never seen. The husband drops his wife and kids off at the front door of a super fancy hotel a...

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right,
and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the
floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a
little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you ...

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your ...

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An older couple were exploring art museum...

...when they came across a painting that they didn't quite understand. It appeared to be three naked black men sitting on a bench, the one in the middle had a white penis. This made the couple ponder for a while.

What was the message? Was it a commentary on racism? Perhaps an insight into cla...

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

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Two blind pilots, both wearing dark glasses, walk up the aisle to the cockpit

One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along with a cane. 
 
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the two enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. 
 
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is jus...

An entomologist..

Recently, a world renowned entomologist was invited by the Queen of England to a gala in honor of the top minds in science. As this was an extremely formal event, the dress code was (obviously) "white tie." The entomologist was flattered beyond belief, and, in attempt to look his absolute best, he w...

A blind man, paraplegic, and deaf man visit a healer on a mountain.

The blind man goes up the trail using his white cane. Arriving at the top he asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his cane off the mountain and comes back down.

The paraplegic goes up the mountain with great difficult and asks to be healed and so it is. He throws his wheelchair off the m...

An old blind cowboy is making his way to the bar...

Using his cane he feels his way down the street: tap tap tap. He feels his way to the door: tap tap tap. He feels his way inside to the bar: tap tap tap. He feels his way to a stool: tap tap tap.

The gruff old cowboy makes himself comfortable, and upon settling in, asks to the other patrons a...

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

*MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

*ME:* -Tea pls.

*MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

*ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls.

*MAID:* -How do...

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I heard the woman in the apartment next door having sex last night

She was moaning and groaning and they were thumping against the wall.

Turns out her mother had fallen and broken her hip and was hitting the wall with her cane for help.

Now I feel sorta bad for masturbating so many times.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are sitting together and talking in a park when Jesus walks by.

The priest asks Him, "Are you really Jesus Christ?" He replies, "Yes, I am. How can I help you?" The priest says, "Well, Lord, I was involved in a very bad car accident a few years ago. Ever since then, I've been in severe pain. I can't stand up straight, and I'm unable to walk without this cane. Ca...

A Blind man is at the bus stop....

... and along comes a large family. Mother, Father, and 7 young children. As they're waiting for the bus, it starts to rain, just making the wait worse.

When the bus arrives, being polite, the men let the mother and children get on first, at which point the bus driver says: "Sorry guys. The ...

[Long] A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus...

A couple and their 9 kids are waiting for a bus along with a blind man. As the bus arrived they found it nearly full so only the woman and kids were able to get on. As the bus drove off the husband and blind man started walking. After a while the husband, irritated by the constant sound of the cane,...

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who’d been praying at the Western Wall twice a day, every day, for a long time...

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecc...

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An old married could sitting on their rocking chairs out on the porch watching the sunset...

Rocking away enjoying the sunset, when the woman takes her cane and suddenly smacks the old man on the leg.

"Hey... what was that for?" he protests

"For 60 years of bad sex!" she says.

They go back to rocking.

A few moments later he takes his cane and smacks her on the le...

I showed a girl my third leg. She blocked me.

I have a bad back so sometimes I use a cane.

So anyway, I found a girl I didn’t know personally and messaged her “Do you want to see my third leg? It’s hard, black, and a lot longer than you’re expecting. I guarantee it.” So she said “Hell yeah! Send it!” So I sent a picture of my cane.
...

My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name?

Two canes

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A doctor started a clinic in a small town.

He told everyone in the town: "With the low price of 50 dollars, I can cure any types of diseases! If I can't, I'll pay you 100 dollars instead!"

So a man thought this is a great opportunity to earn some extra cash. So on the day the clinic opened he walk into the clinic. He says to the docto...

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"
<...

A bent over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office

Within minutes, she came out, but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be.

A man in the waiting room, who had been watching her, said in amazement, "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"

The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane."

No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

Another joke about an old person on a bus.

An old man gets on a crowded bus. All the seats are full and he ends up leaning on his cane in front of a young whippersnapper who doesn't offer his seat.

As the bus starts to drive, the man's cane slips out from under him and the man loses his balance. As the bus stops to pick up more passen...

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A teacher is asking children how their weekend went...

And young Johnny said, "It was great, Miss! Me and my Dad went to the outback! We stuck big sticks of dynamite up cane toads' arses!"


The teacher replies, "Johnny! The correct term is 'rectum'."


"That's right, Miss! Wrecked 'em! Blew 'em to bits!"

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Angel's Food vs. Devil's Food

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream ...

A cannibal is teaching his son how to hunt ...

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally ...

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

I know there are a lot of versions out there, but this is my favorite

A rich old man gets audited by the IRS saying they need him to come in and fix his taxes. The old man calls his lawyer and heads to the IRS. Once there, the IRS agent said,"Well I've noticed that you don't have a job listed, and yet you still make a lot of money. What's your secret?" The old man rep...

Someone else

Once upon a time there was a rich 80 year old man who had a smoking hot wife 50 years younger than him. So one day the old man was walking in the pavement and smiling. A friend of him saw the old man and asked why he is so happy, the old man answered " Im about to be a father! My wife is pregnant."<...

I got two packs o' sugar...

Call me Two Canes

^I'm ^sorry.

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A guy was trying to console a friend

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella p...

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An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...

...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her kn...

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An elderly couple celebrate their 50th anniversary.

A man in a restaurant overhears an elderly couple next to him celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Dear do you remember 50 years ago when I proposed to you right here in this same spot?" the old man asks caressing his wife's hand.

"Yes honey I do remember." she replies smiling...

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An elderly Japanese man...

An elderly Japanese man was walking behind me as I was entering a store. Since he was older and walked with a cane, I held the door for him. As he walked pasted he said, "Sank you" with his accent. So I punched him in the face and said, "How dare you bring up Pearl Harbor like that!"

A group of church ministers start a bowling team. What do they call themselves?

I was walking across the street at work today and an old man grabbed my arm, somewhat suddenly. I immediately thought he needed helped crossing the street, but he appeared to be moving fine, regardless of his cane. We kept walking as he held tightly to my arm. He started speaking, "a group of church...

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