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Flashlight Jokes

Someone stole my flashlight.

I'm not annoyed. I'm delighted.

Abusive Flashlight

Did you hear about the abusive flashlight?
He was charged with battery

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

I accidently bought a fleshlight instead of a flashlight.

When the power went out I was screwed.

What was the Flashlight arrested for ?

Battery charges

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

The flashlight on my iPhone is like a woman

The slightest touch turns it on

And then I can’t figure out what to do with it

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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."

A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.

The boots are sucked right in.

He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.

He...

What's the difference between a flashlight and a fleshlight?

One takes C batteries and the other takes D's.

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Why are German flashlights always dead?

They use Nein Volt Batteries.

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FlashLight

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes

How much does a flashlight weigh?

I dunno, but its probably light.

A burglar broke into a home…

He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again, "Jesus is watching you."

He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.

The parro...

What do you call it when you mistake a flashlight for a flesh light?

A flash bang

What did the flashlight say to the darkness?

**"Lighten up."**

Somebody stole my flashlight

I’m not annoyed, i’m just delighted


Credit to u/Inimici on r/darkjokes

- Excuse me, is that your phone flashlight?

- Yes, why?
- I want another gynecologist.

ER patient with a flashlight up his ass!

He was delighted upon its removal!

What is it called when you lick a flashlight beam?

A light snack.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

Android lets you use "Lumos" for the flashlight, "Silencio" for the notifications...

but not "Incendio". That is a Samsung exclusive.

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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A sober man shines a flashlight up into the air and asks a drunk man to climb the beam, who angrily refuses to do so.

He says, "You think I'm fucking drunk?"

The sober man replies "no," but is interrupted by the drunk man.

"If I tried to climb it, you would turn the light off and I would fall!"

I invented a special flashlight for finding your friends

I'm calling it bud light

Flashlight and Batteries

One day a little girl was skinny dipping in a pond by her house, she heard a sound a little distance away and parted the reeds so she could see. She saw a naked boy, skinny dipping on the other side.

The little girl went home to her mom and asked "Mommy what's that down there?"
"That's yo...

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Did you hear what happened when Dyslexic Dan bought a flashlight?

Yeah, he fucked himself on that one.

Why can't you use RAM as a flashlight?

It's SO-DIMM.

What do you call a deer with flashlights for eyes?

A bright eye deer.

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

A scientist drops a pig and a flashlight from a 20 storey building

He watches as both hit the ground at the same time.
With this he concluded pigs move at the speed of light.

Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?

The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

Policeman interrupts young couple parked in cemetery

He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks "Didn't you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?"

The young man replies "No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says "Get lots while you're young."

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Wife to husband by phone:

\- My computer does not work

\- Did you press such a big button?

\- Pressed

\- Is the cord plugged into the socket?

\- Now I'll take a flashlight, I'll take a look ...

\- Why a flashlight?

\- Yes, there is no electricity ...

Old joke

Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.

1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."

2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"

A Burglar...

A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage.
Burglar: So that w...

The Theater

very popular film was being shown at the local cinema last week-end &
the place was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with
a scream rushed out into the foyer to search out the
manager.
“I’ll never come back here again,” she complained. “I’ve just
been interfered with.”
A s...

"Jesus is watching you!"

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper,

*"Jesus is watching you!"*

Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."

Relieved i...

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ears...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, “Twenty bucks?”

The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.

“Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife,” replies the man. ...

There were two friends who had to jump across two buildings…

The first friend jumped across no problem, but the second friend was scared of falling. The first friend pulled out a flashlight and said “Hey, I will shine a light between the gap and you walk across the beam”
The second friend replied with “You think i’m crazy? You will just turn it off halfway...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

Stan and Eddy go fishing

Near Corner Brook.....

They drop the 14' aluminum boat in a nice local lake, fire up the 9.9 and go looking for a good spot.

After several hour of no bites they finally find a shoal and start catching fish.

After a bit Stan says to Eddy" I need to go to the can, we need to go ...

A couple is walking through a dark forest...

Soon enough, they feel the need to get frisky and get down to business.

The guys goes down and stays down there for a while, after which he says “I wish I had a flashlight, it is so dark” to which she says “I wish you had a flashlight as well...You’ve been eating grass for the last ten minute...

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A man walks into a brothel and asks: "Do you have something unusual?"

A man walks into a brothel and asks:

- Do you have something new, something unusual?
- We do, in fact! There's a girl that can suck and sing at the same time, but only with lights out!

The man agrees and pays for the girl. Enjoys the service immensely.

Before visiting again, ...

Two men break out of a mental institution.

Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next buil...

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A walk in the woods…

A couple were on a blind date and they decided to take a walk in the woods. After some casual banter they started to feel more and more comfortable with each other and they started to feel a little frisky. They decided to sneak off the path into a dark grove of trees. After finding a good spot, the...

A blond and a brunette are walking through a field at night.

There is a full moon out.

The brunette points to the moon and says, "Did you know that the moon is made out of cheese?"

The blond's eyes widen and she says, "No, that's really neat!"

The brunette then says, "you know, if we could get up to the moon, gather up a bunch of that che...

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

And one night, one night they decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto this roof and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight.... Now, the first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make t...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

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A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds

"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"

The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.

Some time during, a cop pulls up...

Jesus is watching you.

A burglar had been planning to rob a couple for awhile. He was sitting outside their house, knowing they would be leaving soon for vacation. They leave, and he enters the house. On the first floor, he's looking around and he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you. He shines his flashlight around, doe...

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Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.

They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.

One of the sociopaths jump over ...

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

A brunette, redhead and blonde leave the bar

On there walk home they see a farm and decide to break into the barn to pet the animals. The farmer noticed someone broke into his barn and he called the cops, when the girls heard the cops coming they decided to hide.

The cops come up to a cow and shine there flashlights on it, from behind ...

How many StackOverflow users do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Why do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
You should instead use a flashlight.

Just In Time

A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The c...

Freshman from rival colleges...

...were each camping out around their fires on opposite banks of a river.

The freshman on the left bank got to talking. The first student points toward the river and says, "You know, I heard that the students that go to that school are all idiots."

The second student says "Yeah! I hear...

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

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A Guy Walks Down The Street One Evening...

... when he walks around a corner and finds some hookers working the streets. He decides that he's horny and it's dark enough, he might as well, so he gets the first one and takes her behind a bush next to the road.

A policeman doing foot patrol stumbles upon them a few minutes later, shines ...

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I was playing hide and seek with the kids last night and the power went out.

I hunted around for my flashlight but could only find my fleshlight.

Oh well, at least they never saw me cumming.

My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was “point the flashlight there”.

Jesus is watching you!

A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night, turns on his flashlight and starts looking for money and valuables. Suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus knows what you're doing!"

The burglar almost has a heart attack, turns off the flashlight and freezes, waiting, but nothing happens. ...

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

He's Watching!

A burglar breaks into a house at night. As he walks through the living room, he is startled when he hears this. "I see you. And so does Jesus!" The burglar is perplexed and looks around with his flashlight but sees nothing. He starts to walk and takes two steps and hears again, "I see you. And...

A curvy blonde walks into a drugstore

She asks the clerk, "Can you show me where the flashlight batteries are?".

The clerk says, "Sure." and wiggled his fingers at her in a come-hither gesture. "Come this way", he continued.

She replied "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the flashlight batteries."

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn’t turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say “I can see you! And Jesus can see you too!” The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say “I can see you! And Jesus can see yo...

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room. One day they decided they didn’t like being locked up anymore, and wanted to escape. The not so smart one has to rely on the smart one to get out. So they made their way up to the roof through a series of vents. Once up on the roof of the buil...

A priest had a speaking parrot

One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus se...

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We all know that one girl...

A man and a woman are having sex. The man is fingering the woman to get a little foreplay going. As hes fingering her, she grabs him and whispers in his ear "I like fisting.."

The man grins and proceeds to inserting his fist. The woman moans in enjoyment, but says "Deeper,". He proceeds to sl...

It is during our darkest moments...

That we need to replace the batteries of the flashlight

The Norwegian and the Covid-denier

One day an Norwegian and a covid-denier were fishing on opposite sides of the same river, but the Norwegian guy was catching all of the fish.

Eventually, the covid-denier asks the Norwegian, "How do you get to the other side?"

The Norwegian guy responds, "I'll turn on my flashlight and...

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second “Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.”

“Really?! Ok go on” replies the second man.

The first man says “okay well you see I’m going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of ...

A cop sees a car swerving around as it goes down the road and pulls it over.

At the wheel, he finds a priest. So the cop shines a light in the car and asks him, “have you been drinking, father?”

The priest says, “Just water.”

The cop moved his flashlight to the passenger seat and saw an empty bottle of wine. The priest looks at it and cries out, “Good Lord, He’...

A New Gadget

“Bob came home looking utterly wretched and buried his head in his hands.

“I’ve been sacked,” he told his wife.

“After 35 years of doing the same job, day in, day out, I have been replaced by an electronic gadget the size of a flashlight.

And the awful thing is,” he continued, “...

A man walks up to a German clock maker

The man tells him, "My clock just goes tik, tik, tik, it never goes tok!"

The German clock maker holds a flashlight up to the clock and yells "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU TOK!"

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Jesus is watching!!!

One day a burglar breaks into a house. It's pitch dark so he turns on his flashlight. Suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching". He freezes, swings his flashlight around but can't find the source of the voice. After 2 minutes nothing happens so he goes about trashing the room looking for things ...

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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

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