I made a portrait of my cat using saliva.

It was a spitting image.

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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Once upon a time...

In a kingdom, there live a queen with humungous breasts. Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the queen and her huge breasts. The general ,Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The do...

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?

IT'S SALIVA!

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princ...

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Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

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So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.

The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.

Now it's a friday nig...

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Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.

At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts....

An Australian Chef was caught spitting on every dish he made.

His career's saliva now.

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The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
...

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An american and a frenchman in a train

They're sitting in front of each other.

The american scraps his throat and spits once on the right of the french guy head. Perfectly aimed, not a single drop of saliva touch the french guy.

He then spits on the left of the french guy head. Perfectly aimed again. He then says "I'm Joe S...

I asked the hotel checkout girl, "Do you provide turndown service?"

She said, "Sure. I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last guy on earth after the zombie apocalypse and your saliva contained the antidote."

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Not sure if this is the right place for this but it was suggested I cross-post here (from ShittyPoetry). So here's my holiday story, 'Twas The Night Before Fapmas. Enjoy!

'Twas the night before Fapmas, alone in my house

One hand on my penis, the other on the mouse

Her stockings were drawn up to her tight thighs with care

And above her lady bits she had shaved off her hair

The actress was disrobed all bare on her bed

When entered a h...

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George and Betty get frisky!!

Two old people sitting in the retirement home.
(George and Betty).

They are sitting staring out of the large bay window, looking out on to the beautiful garden.

Betty: Penny for your thoughts George?

George: ach sorry Betty, I was just thinking about my youth and all the thi...

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A king and a Queen have a big problem...

...they can't have kids! They decide to go to a local sorceress, and she tell them that they have to take the hair of a fox, the saliva of a dragon, and a chip of a mushroom rock, mix them together, and drink it, and they will have a baby. So, they did all those things, and it worked and they had a ...

Lancelot!

Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.

"I want to be with the Queen, help me"

So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Que...

Musician Jokes

Q: how do you get a guitarist off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza
Q: how many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Q:what did the drummer get on his I.Q test?
A: saliva.

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