UPJOKE
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Do you feel Nauseous while filling up your vehicle?

Dizzy when you go in to pay?

You might be suffering from CarOwner Virus.

I got rid of my carbon monoxide detector.

It kept giving off a high pitched whine that made me feel nauseous and dizzy.

Collateral damage

A guy flying a small aircraft starts finding random stuff under his seat and decides to chuck it all off the plane. First it was a knife, then a bag of potatoes, and lastly a jar of nitroglycerin. After finding nothing else under his seat, he carries on with his flight.

The next day, the ...

A hooker goes to the doctor

She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant

"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"

"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"

I took the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide tester

Because the loud beeping was making me dizzy and feeling nauseous!

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

The US news cycle is like a bad roller coaster ride...

Usually it just makes me scared and nauseous, but this is a surprising twist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first original joke.

What happens to a black mans hair when it feels nauseous??

It fro's up.

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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

An original joke, written by me, for me

A zoophile calls his boss. When she answers the phone, the man proceeds to tell her that he won’t be able to make it into work today.

Boss: “What seems to be the problem? Are you running a fever?”

Man: *Making strange noises* “No ma’am.”

Boss: “Have you been feeling nauseous?”...

My gas alarm kept going off

It was giving me a headache and making me feel nauseous so I turned it off.

A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."

The doctor says "What is it?"

He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new...

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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

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Bob had been at the bar too long

He felt nauseous and went to the restroom where he threw up. He went back to the bar and exclaimed tho the bartender that his wife was going to kill him because he had just thrown up all over the sleeve of the jacket his wife had just bought him.
The bartender says don’t Bob, don’t tell her you ...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...

And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em meeting with his family.

While they’re there the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the anesth...

Water.....I have news for you.

The poor bottle water notice he was red, it felt nauseous, it had diarrhea, and it had a sweet taste in its mouth. He went to the clinic to see what was wrong with him. But the doctor had bad news. He said" I'm sorry water, but you have **Kool** aids."

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