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Herpes Jokes

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

What's the best way to tell someone that he has herpes?

Roses are red,
I screwed you,
I got herpes,
So do you.

I can't mention STDs around my friend who has herpes

It's a sore spot

Whats the difference between herpes and children.

She didn't let me keep the kids.

what does explosives and herpes have in common?

fire in the hole!

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I showed my herpes doctor my mixtape today

Says shit bumps

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

What's meaner than a pitbull with herpes?

The guy who gave it to the pitbull.

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Herpes had to originate from a female.

Otherwise it would be called, hispes

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.

What's the difference between herpes and news about the British royal family?

It's easier to get rid of herpes.

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Children are like herpes

The stranger at the bar doesn't tell you they have them until it's too late, they wreck your wife's pussy, you dread going out in public with them, and when you think you're finally rid of them, they come back.

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches

What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn't belong?

Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

What's the difference between herpes and student loan?

You could have some fun time before you get herpes.

It's not herpes

I burned my lip on a hot sausage.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

Why doesn’t John want herpes?

Because he has his own peas.

Did you hear about the man who got herpes on his eyes?

He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

I just got genital herpes...

...that'll be the last time I play catch with my dad.

What do you call space herpes?

Star Warts.

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Son of a Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

...

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's...

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

What do you call a female Dinosaur with herpes?

A Gina-sore.
I am drunk and watching Jurassic Park. Forgive me if this had been thought of before, I assume it had but it made us laugh a lot. Have a great night!

Why don't people like talking about herpes?

It's a sore subject.

My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes.

Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

What do you get when you add a line between heroes?

Herpes

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

yo mama is so gross

that when i told her to 'do the robot' r2-d2 got herpes

Gonorrhea, HIV, condominium, herpes: which is not like the others?

Gonorrhea, it's the only one you can get rid of.

What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

They all "Feel The Burn!"

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!"

"What's the bad news Doc?"

"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: lay it on me gently

Doctor: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Doctor: herpes

A man is at confessions and says “forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“I gave my child genital herpes.”

The priest makes a horrified sound, then says “that was your kid?!”

“Which of the following does not belong in this list: herpes, gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?”

“The condo, obviously.”

“Nope, gonorrhea. It’s the only one you can get rid of.”

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

A man takes a hooker out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

Women complain why the word Mankind has the word MEN in it...

What about HERpes?

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for Coronavirus....

...And Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, crabs and papilloma virus.

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Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

My friend and I ordered pizza last night.

I got my piece, and she got herpes.

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A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"

The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

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A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel

He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."
The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way."
The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one.
The boy asks "Do any of them hav...

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When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

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(NSFW)A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office..

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is blown away by how stunningly awesome she is that all his professionalism goes right out the window..

He tells her to take off her pants, she does and he begins to start rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I'm...

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it.

May she speak now or forever hold herpes

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

So I met this great girl at a party

I gave her peas.

She gave me herpes.

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

The teacher gathers the kids around

She says, “Alright, what does the pig give you?” And the kids all reply with “Bacon!” Then the teacher goes “what does the cow give you?” And the kids go “Beef!” And as a joke the teacher goes “What about the Catfish!” And another teacher looking haggard with a cold sore looking uncomfortable goes “...

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