Herpes Jokes - 48 Hilarious Herpes Jokes

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

What's the best way to tell someone that he has herpes?

Roses are red,
I screwed you,
I got herpes,
So do you.

Whats the difference between herpes and children.

She didn't let me keep the kids.

I can't mention STDs around my friend who has herpes

It's a sore spot

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

what does explosives and herpes have in common?

fire in the hole!

Herpes had to originate from a female.

Otherwise it would be called, hispes

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I showed my herpes doctor my mixtape today

Says bumps

What's meaner than a pitbull with herpes?

The guy who gave it to the pitbull.

What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches

Did you hear about the elephant with herpes?

Turned out to be pachydermititis.

What's the difference between herpes and news about the British royal family?

It's easier to get rid of herpes.

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

What's the difference between herpes and student loan?

You could have some fun time before you get herpes.

Did you hear about the man who got herpes on his eyes?

He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn't belong?

Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

It's not herpes

I burned my lip on a hot sausage.

I was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

What do you call a female Dinosaur with herpes?

A Gina-sore.
I am drunk and watching Jurassic Park. Forgive me if this had been thought of before, I assume it had but it made us laugh a lot. Have a great night!

Why don't people like talking about herpes?

It's a sore subject.

What do you call space herpes?

Star Warts.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's...

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

Why doesn’t John want herpes?

Because he has his own peas.

What do you get when you add a line between heroes?

Herpes

My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes.

Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

yo mama is so gross

that when i told her to 'do the robot' r2-d2 got herpes

What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

They all "Feel The Burn!"

Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!"

"What's the bad news Doc?"

"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: lay it on me gently

Doctor: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Doctor: herpes

Gonorrhea, HIV, condominium, herpes: which is not like the others?

Gonorrhea, it's the only one you can get rid of.

“Which of the following does not belong in this list: herpes, gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?”

“The condo, obviously.”

“Nope, gonorrhea. It’s the only one you can get rid of.”

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

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What is the name of the Greek god of transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

A man takes a out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for Coronavirus....

...And Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, crabs and papilloma virus.

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can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

My friend and I ordered pizza last night.

I got my piece, and she got herpes.

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When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that again!"

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it.

May she speak now or forever hold herpes

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

Women complain why the word Mankind has the word MEN in it...

What about HERpes?

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

The teacher gathers the kids around

She says, “Alright, what does the pig give you?” And the kids all reply with “Bacon!” Then the teacher goes “what does the cow give you?” And the kids go “Beef!” And as a joke the teacher goes “What about the Catfish!” And another teacher looking haggard with a cold sore looking uncomfortable goes “...

So I met this great girl at a party

I gave her peas.

She gave me herpes.

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