UPJOKE
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What's the best way to tell someone that he has herpes?

Roses are red,
I screwed you,
I got herpes,
So do you.

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

Whats the difference between herpes and children.

She didn't let me keep the kids.

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Herpes

A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home a...

what does explosives and herpes have in common?

fire in the hole!

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I showed my herpes doctor my mixtape today

Says shit bumps

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The Real Son Of A Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

...

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn't belong?

Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

What's the difference between true love and herpes?

Herpes is forever.

Today I found out I had herpes!

It reminded me of my girlfriend because I know we'll be together forever.

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

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A doctor sees a gorgeous woman walk into his exam room…

A doctor sees a gorgeous woman walk into his exam room and becomes immediately smitten. He tells her to undress and then begins fondling her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"You're conducting a breast exam."

"That's right," says the doctor, "I'm checking for lumps."

Nex...

I can't mention STDs around my friend who has herpes

It's a sore spot

What's meaner than a pitbull with herpes?

The guy who gave it to the pitbull.

I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.

Herpes.

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

Herpes had to originate from a female.

Otherwise it would be called, hispes

What's the difference between herpes and student loan?

You could have some fun time before you get herpes.

Did you hear about the man who got herpes on his eyes?

He was looking for love in all the wrong places.

How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches

What do you call space herpes?

Star Warts.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

What do you call a female Dinosaur with herpes?

A Gina-sore.
I am drunk and watching Jurassic Park. Forgive me if this had been thought of before, I assume it had but it made us laugh a lot. Have a great night!

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

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When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

yo mama is so gross

that when i told her to 'do the robot' r2-d2 got herpes

I was supposed to give a lecture on herpes today, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

Apparently it's a sore subject for a lot of people.

It's not herpes

I burned my lip on a hot sausage.

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A man goes to the doctors with a swollen tongue...

.... he says “docther, I cant even schpeak properchkly”

The doctor says “I have the same condition and when I gets like this I go straight home and lick my wife’s vagina for an hour and the tongue goes back to normal and she loves it”

A few days later the man comes in and his tongue is...

Why doesn’t John want herpes?

Because he has his own peas.

Why don't people like talking about herpes?

It's a sore subject.

“Which of the following does not belong in this list: herpes, gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?”

“The condo, obviously.”

“Nope, gonorrhea. It’s the only one you can get rid of.”

My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes.

Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

I just got genital herpes...

...that'll be the last time I play catch with my dad.

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Every time I have sex with a woman I always assume she has herpes...

...that way I don't have to tell her about mine.

What do you get when you add a line between heroes?

Herpes

Gonorrhea, HIV, condominium, herpes: which is not like the others?

Gonorrhea, it's the only one you can get rid of.

What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common?

They all "Feel The Burn!"

What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

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MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!"

"What's the bad news Doc?"

"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: lay it on me gently

Doctor: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Doctor: herpes

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

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Doctor’s checkup

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" he replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells h...

A man takes a hooker out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

Women complain why the word Mankind has the word MEN in it...

What about HERpes?

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

A man is at confessions and says “forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“I gave my child genital herpes.”

The priest makes a horrified sound, then says “that was your kid?!”

So I met this great girl at a party

I gave her peas.

She gave me herpes.

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for Coronavirus....

...And Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, crabs and papilloma virus.

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A 7 year old goes to a brothel...

and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!"

The madame, looked amused and says, "Get lost kid."

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, "Give me a hooker!!"

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

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You know what they say, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Except for the Herpes, that shit comes homes with you.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

The doctor comes in the room and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

The bad news is you've got "HAGS".



"HAGS? What's that?"



"That's what we call it when you have herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis all at the same time.



"Doc, that's horrible, what's the good news?"



"There is a special treatment regime for...

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

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A man gets out of prison and finds a prostitute.

“I just got out of prison and haven’t had sex in a long time. I only have $20. What can I get?,” he says.

The prostitute replies, “I can’t help you but I think I know someone who can.”

So he goes to her friend and tells her the same story. The friend can’t help him but sends him to som...

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it.

May she speak now or forever hold herpes

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Piano player nsfw

So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.

The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The ...

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A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel

He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."
The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way."
The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one.
The boy asks "Do any of them hav...

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