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Measles Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

Just Married

Following their wedding, the bride and groom retired to the honeymoon suite. Being staunchly religious folk, they had not been intimate, and the bride, being hesitant, watched as the groom removed his trousers. With a horrified look she gasped, "My Lord, what happened to your legs?"

"Well...

What vaccine does a pirate with measles need?

M-M-Arrrrrr

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

I have a ton of jokes about measles!

Though, you vaccinated folks won't get them

A patient overhears the doctor yelling, "Measles, mumps, rubella, polio, Covid..."

He asks the nurse what's going on. The nurse replies, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”
​

“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

Did you hear about the underdog boxer that got the measles, then the chicken pox, then polio?

I guess he never even had a shot.

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

What do the Patriots and Measles have in common?

They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something.

I was going to dress up my unvaccinated kids as the measles this Halloween

But they’re all dead.

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

Anti-vax jokes are like measles.

Much funnier if someone else gets them.

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

First Ebola and now Measles...

Is there ANYTHING hipsters won't bring back!?

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

A man is being examined by his doctor.

He hears a voice down the hall, yelling.
"Polio! Diphtheria! Measles! Chicken pox!"
Alarmed, he asks his doctor what's going on.
"Don't worry," the doctor says. "That's just our head nurse. She likes to call the shots around here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman were about to "get it on"

He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,

"Oh shit,what happened to your feet?"

He replies,"Oh that.I had tolio."

"You mean polio don't you?"

"No.It just infected my toes."

Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.

"Oh my,Wha...

Did you hear about the anti vaxxer who died recently?

He never saw the measles coming, but they spotted him.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"



...

Only anti-vax people will get this one

measles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New doctors

An old couple goes to see a new doctor , the doctor greets them and asks: “ have you had any deseases or injuries”?

The man replies : “I hurt my toe years ago and I think I had Toelio “?
Doctor says: “Toelio ? You mean Polio ?

Doctor again asks :”anything else “?
The man rep...

Kid: how do you know when you’re in love?

Dad: What do you mean?

K: well when I’m around Karen I get a lump in my throat, my mouth gets all dry, and my knees get all squiggly. Does that mean I’m in love?

D: either that or you’ve got a real bad case of the measles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!

Mom: Oh honey-

Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!

Mom: Ok should I-

Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today

Mom: I...

These vaccinated kids miss out on so much in life and it's disgusting

Polio, measles, rubella, typhoid, the list just goes on and on really

A man returns from an exotic holiday and is feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extr...

Anti Vaxxers.

We should be fascinated in the way anti-vaxxers cling to the phrase “the research”. It must be something they all pass around to each other.

You know, like measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple decides to have sex for the first time.

As they're undressing each other, the woman removes the man's shoes and socks. "What's the matter with your toes?"

"Oh that, when I was younger I suffered from toelio"

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, no, toelio, it's like polio but it only affects the toes."

They go a little...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newlywed couple was getting ready for bed on their wedding night.

Being the old-fashioned types, this was their first night together. The bride is in bed, all dressed in her fancy negligee, watching her new hubby get undressed with anticipation. He takes off his shirt, then sits down on the bed and takes off his socks, and his toes are all gnarled, small and twist...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes home a prostitute

After they get back, she starts undressing him, first starting with the socks.

Once she gets them off, she sees that his toes are all mangled. She asks the man what happened and he replies, "When I was a child I had toelio"
The prostitute asks, "Do you mean Polio?"
He assures her it was...

I saw an anti-vax mother get on an elevator

It was pretty shocking, she took measles into a whole new level

Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your mom is so fucking stupid...

you got the measles!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the German invasion of Russia, a Nazi soldier forced himself upon a helpless Russian woman.

After he was done with her, he sneered "In nine months you vill haff a son. You may call him 'Heinrich'!"

And she replied, "In three weeks time you will have a rash. You may call it 'measles'."

A Man and Woman are getting it on for the first time

She takes his socks off and notices his gnarly toes

"What happen to your toes?" she asks

he says " when i was a child i suffered from Toelio"

She says "you mean Polio?

He says "no it's like polio but of the toes"

She isn't willing to let this stop her. And she slid...

A doctor, a nurse, and a mom walk into a bar

The doctor sits first and orders a shot of Jack Daniels

The nurse sits second and orders a shot of Jose Cuervo

The mom sits last and says “I’m sorry, I don’t do shots.” then falls to the floor dead from measles.

Mogadishu, Somalia is holding a concert today

to raise money to get kids vaccinated against measles in the US

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian couple finally get married...

and go on the honeymoon of their dreams. They've both abstained from sex their whole life. So when they finally have some alone time, things get hot pretty quickly.
The husband, wanting to hurry things up, takes off his wife's shoes and socks.
The wife does the same, but is horrified when ...

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7’s parent’s were anti-vaxers and he’s got measles.

An elderly man is getting married to his trophy wife, who refused to sleep with him until they were married.

The night of the wedding the both start undressing at their hotel. When he took his socks off, she saw that his toes were all deformed and bent. She asked "what the hell is that?"
"Tolio" the man replies.
"Don't you mean polio?" asked the women.
"Nope, when it's in your toes its called ...

Two newlyweds had been saving themselves for marriage

So there was some nervousness as they undressed each other in the honeymoon suite. As the husband removes his shoes and socks, his wife can't help but notice he has horribly disfigured feet.

Naturally he sees her noticing and explains, "When I was a young boy, I had a horrible case of Toeria...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy meets a woman in a bar...

... and they decide to go to a hotel for the night. As things start to heat up, he begins to undress. As he takes off his boots and socks, she looks at his feet.

She says, "Oh my God! What's wrong with your feet?"

He replies, "Doctor said I got toeliosis."

She says, "Do you me...

Hooker and the awkward John

A guy walks into a brothel and whispers to the madam "I'd like a girl for the night but she has to be understanding about physical disabilities." She gives him the keys to a room and he heads up. A beautiful woman walks in and tells him everything will be okay, he should relax and take off his cloth...

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