UPJOKE
draculaundeadlamiabram stokerwitchporphyriademonbatvillainfolklorerabiesghoultuberculosissupernaturalvampire bat

Vampires Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Why do vampires never get fat?

They eat necks to nothing

Why do vampires hate running a big business?

Too many stakeholders.

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

Vampires aren't real.

Unless you count Dracula.

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life

Because vampires are neck romancers

Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?

Because they refuse to meet with stake holders

Transylvanian vampires

There is this annoying stereotype that Transylvanians are vampires. It's complete BS. I've never met one, and I've been around for centuries.

Why are vampires so impulsive?

They never reflect on things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vampires and sex

Why was the vampire never satisfied by his lovers?

Because they never invited him to come inside.

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

French vampires don’t suck your blood.

They sacrebleu!

Everyone says there is vampires in my erea

The funny thing is I have been here for 500 years and I have never seen anything

Why can’t vampires eat Swiss cheese?

Because it’s holey

My 8 year old just told me this one…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?

Because they lack reflection.

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first one goes to the bartender: I'll have a blood

Second goes: I'll have a blood light

Third goes: I'll have some hot water.

The bartender gives him a cup of hot water and a perplexed look.

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Tea time"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first ...

Why don't vampires have any friends?

They're a real pain in the neck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

Who is a Vampires favorite actress?

Neck-hole Kidman.

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do vampires like virgins?

If you went out to you're favorite deli and ordered a sandwich you would probably also want one that had never had a penis in it.

Why don't vampires gamble?

They can't deal with those stakes.

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

What could we call an international chain of hotels catering to vampires?

Hema Globe Inns

(Thoughts on this OC?)

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

Why can't vampires ever grow as people?

Because they're incapable of self reflection

Why do vampires hate going to court?

Because of the cross-examinations.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.


The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do vampires never get people pregnant?

They can’t cum inside without permission

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...

Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...

Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....


But this is cuz they suck at necks.

Count Von Count is the best vampire.

Other vampires suck.

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar....

The first walks up and says to the barman "I'll have a pint of lager please pal". He gets his drink, sits at an empty table and waits for his mates.

The second goes up to the barman and says "G&T for me please mate". He gets his drink and goes to join his friend at the table.

The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 vampires have an argument over eating humans

Vampire 1: "Why the fuck are you even arguing about this?! You ate a live human 2 days ago"

Vampire 2: "What's your point?"

Vampire 1: "So you can't have a go at me for for doing it!"

Vampire 2: "Its not the same thing"

Vampire 1: "They were in a coma! There's no differen...

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

What do redneck vampires drink?

Blood Light

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vampires!

So a Man and His newly wedded wife were about to have Sex in this Transylvanian Hotel. She was lying on the bed, dress in nothing but her tiny lingerie. Just when he was about to get on the bed with her and do the deed. A Vampire crashed through the roof between them. It stood there, menacingly, and...

Why are there so few Irish vampires?

They can't stand Gaelic.

A friend asked how many famous vampires I know. "Just 1," I replied. "From Seasame Street."

"He's a puppet!" My friend said. "He doesn't count!"

"Oh, I assure you, he does."

A local store recently had an incident where a dwarf was spotted standing on the shoulders of two vampires and hiding merchandise beneath their cloaks.

He's being charged with shoplifting on 2 counts.

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires just casually sitting on a bench at 02.00 am.

They all get hungry and the first one leaves them to find some fresh blood.
He returns after 30 minutes with some blood dripping from his chin.

“Where have you been?” The other two vampires ask.

“Do you see that light over there?” he asks them. “Yes” the others reply.

“There...

Why are vampires like wizards?

Because they’re neck-romancers

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

Why do female vampires have an advantage over male vampires?

Because they get free supply of blood once a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes?

Because they love period sex.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.