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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

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Three vampires walk into a bar. 2 order a glass of blood, the third orders a glass of water.

The bartender says to the third vampire, "are you sure you wouldn't rather have a glass of blood like your friends?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "no thanks, I prefer tea".

What do vampires drink when they are on a diet?

Blood light

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

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Why do vampires never get people pregnant?

They can’t cum inside without permission

Why don't vampires have surprise pregnancies?

They need permission to come inside

Why isn't it nice to socialise with vampires?

They're a pain in the neck.

People still think there are vampires in Romania.

But I haven’t seen one since 1645.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

Why are there so few Irish vampires?

They can't stand Gaelic.

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Why are vampires such jerks?

Because they are incapable of self reflection.

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.


They bless the rains down in Africa.

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and when the waitress asks the vampire what he would like. He said "A cup of hot water".

To which the waitress replies " I thought vampires drank blood?"

The vampire replies "We do, but will you please bring me a cup of hot water?" The waitress said ok and br...

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

Vegans are a lot like vampires...

...always going on about their diet "blah, blah-blah"

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

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Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

Do Rumanians get upset when they get asked about Vampires?

I asked my Rumanian friend whether he ever gets upset when people ask him whether his relatives were Vampires.

He said "Of course not, That has only happened two or three times this past 180 years."

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

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What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Why are vampires happy?

Because they don't reflect.

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes?

Because they love period sex.

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

What does Kevlar and vampires have in common?

If the bullet don't get you the sunlight will.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

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