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Holy Water Jokes

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

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I tried dipping my balls in holy water and a nun caught me.

I told her I wanted my nuts to feel the power of God, but she said that was sack religious.

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!

If you put Holy Water in a humidifier

If you put Holy Water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.

Eau my God

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

A masked priest just threw some holy water at me...

... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

Nuns and Holy Water

A nun approached the priest and says, "Father, I apologize, I have seen the unholy parts of man." The priest says, "You need to immediately go over to the holy water and rinse your eyes out." She goes to the holy water and another nun comes up to the priest and says, "Father, I too am so sorry, I to...

What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?

H2OMG

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4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St...

Holy Water

One day St Peter chose three distinguished individuals in Heaven and gave them a free pass to commit whatever sins they would like back on Earth for one whole day.

The next day, when the three sinners returned, St Peter asked them what sins they committed.

St Peter asked the first sinn...

Holy Water at the Bar

So a villager walks into the alehouse and notices holy water on the menu.

He asks the bartender why there is holy water on the menu.

The bartender replies that the priests in the village have been trying to restrict people's drinking habits.

The villager then asks how holy water...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time."

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis onc...

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

I filled a steam engine with Holy Water.

The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!
The Power of Christ Propels You!

What did the priest say as he poured holy water on a router?

Go and SYN no more.

What doe Holy Water and Whiskey have in common?

They both burn on the way down.

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

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Don't stick your dick in holy water...

You might get an St.D

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

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