UPJOKE

Use A Condom Jokes

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How to use a condom

First Time with a Condom!
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "N...

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

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How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the fuck out of it.

Hey dad, when should you use a condom?

"About nine months before you were born."

A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”

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Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?

Because otherwise, it’s ***FUCKING RAW!!!***

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When you use a condom to masturbate...

it doesn't really come in handy.

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

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A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

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When having sex with a frog, please use a condom.

If you really want the frog to enjoy it, be sure to rib it.

Take my advice and use a condom

I once forgot it and 9 months later, I became an uncle

Why does Bob Ross not use a condom?

Because he doesn't make mistakes, only happy little accidents.

My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after.

She's getting the raw end of that deal!

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Family Planning

There was a guy distributing condoms in rural India. He goes around the villages explains the importance of family planning and condoms, and then demonstrates how to use them. But, he could not make a dent. Every woman is getting pregnant even though the husband swears that he is using condoms. So h...

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Two frogs are about to have sex ...

The female frog says "I think we should use a condom." The male frog replies "No problem, there is a convenience store a couple of houses down the road. I'll go buy some. Any preferences?" She replies "Ribb it"!

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A man and a woman have sex

They were a little irresponsible and didn't use a condom. After having sex they're in bed doing some pillow talk.

Man: Hey, you don't have any STDs or anything like that right?

Woman: Oh no, I'm clean.

Man: Oh good. I didn't want to catch HIV again.

"Mommy, how was I born?"

Well, a few years ago, your daddy and I decided to plant a seed. Your dad put it in the ground and then I took care of it for a few months.

With, time, the plant started growing more and more leaves until it grew into a big healthy plant.

We then dried it and smoked it, got very high a...

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