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What does a janitor say, when he jumps out of the closet?

Supplies!!

My boy Ron gets so excited when he sees a French car that he jumps out of his seat.

I just tell him "Sit, Ron".

A man goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. Whilst stretching their legs outside the jeep a lion jumps out of the bushes and corners the mother-in-law

The man's wife screams at her husband 'Please! can't you do anything to help!'

The man replies 'The lion got itself into this mess, it can get itself out'

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math.

The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.

The Frenchman, not wanting to b...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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A guy rides hies horse in the forest and all of a sudden a small dwarf jumps at the road

the person almost killing the dwarf stops hies horse
go down and tell him "are you mental ?! i could have killed you!"
the dwarf replies "oh thanks for not killing me, im actually a magical dwarf and for saving my life ill grant you three wishes"
the rider thinks for a second a says sure.....

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the sq...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree

A guy is lost in the forest, when suddenly a vampire jumps from behind a tree. "I'm thirsty", says the vampire, "I'm going to to bite you in the neck and drink your blood!"

"Nooo!!!" cries the man, "Please don't! I have a wife and kids! I'm too young to die!"

"I don't care" says the va...

3 men are stranded in the desert

A blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair. They’d been traveling for hours and they crest a sand dune and to their surprise there’s a beautiful oasis. So all 3 men travel to it, the amputee jumps in, when he steps out he looks at his arm and it had grown back. Amazed he leads the blind man ...

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

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2 nuns driving down the road when a vampire jumps out onto the bonnet.

Sister Mary: "What will we do?"

Sister Angela "Show him your cross"

*sister Mary leans out the window*

Sister Mary "Get off my fuckin bonnet!"

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and b...

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A blonde gets on a plane

A blonde woman gets on a plane headed to New York City.

As she boards the plane the flight attendant points to her seat near the back of the plane.

As she is boarding though she thinks to herself, “I’m awesome and I deserve to be in first class”. So she takes one of the seats up front....

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

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A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

In honor of my 1st cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

Vow of Silence

Everything is going wrong in this guy's life, and he has done bad things he is ashamed of, so he wanders off and ends up in a monastery, and begins vow of silence. The head monk simply looks at him, hands him his robes, and points to a cell. It is very hard for him, not communicating with anyone, an...

A woman marries a Greek man

On her wedding night her father pulls her aside and says, "Darling, you should know that many Greek men have certain . . . proclivities. There will likely come a time when you'll be making love and he'll ask you to . . . um, roll over. Please, sweetheart, for my sake, DON'T DO IT."

Lo and beh...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces =, ''if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman.''

She removes all her clothing and asks, ''is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?''

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, ''Here, iron this!''

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

The roof job

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.

Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and ...

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

99999999 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyuiop" beers.

Testing ...

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

Two men are having a fight

First guy swings, but there's no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

First guy swings, no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

Some dude sitting on a bench nearby sees these two fools swinging and missing, he walks over and takes a swing at the first guy. He doe...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve strings!” The string says, “cmon man I’ve had a rough day can I just get a drink and lay low?” The bartender says, “no way!” And the string leaves the bar.

The next day the string comes back to the bar. The bartender yells at him, “get the hell out of my ba...

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There's a bar on the 90th floor of the Empire State Building

A regular at the bar was chatting with some tourists...

Regular: you know, there's a secret about this building. If you jump out this window, there's an updraft at the 80th story that will bring you right back into this bar.

Tourist: Really?

Regular: Watch me

the regular ...

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

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