My neighbour knocked on today so I opened the door in my dressing gown.

He looked me up and down and said “that’s a weird place to put a door”

As soon as they put me in that hospital gown...

I knew my end was in sight.

Why are wedding gowns white?

Cuz the dishwasher should match the stove and the fridge

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg....

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
...

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The Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give yo...

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A couple where lying in bed when the doorbell goes

The wife says I'll get that she gets up (naked of coarse that's the best way to sleep) puts on her dressing gown and goes to the answer the door. She opens the door to the neighbor Dave standing there staring at her. Without hesitation Dave says "I'll give you 300 dollars cash if you drop that dress...

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Rectal Exam

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she ...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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An entry level nurse walks into a patient's room...

She smiles at him, and says shes just there to give him a sponge bath.

Through his oxygen mask , he asks; "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse is taken aback, and explains again shes just there to bathe him.

He asks again, more firm, "nurse, are my testicles black?!"

"I dont...

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A Young Greek Woman Marries

she is a virgin, and her mother is concerned. as they are getting her gown on, her mother warns her that her husband will probably ask her to "turn over" for sex, and to NEVER turn over. Innocently, she agrees.

Thanks to generous gifts from their family in Europe, they honeymoon in Majorca,...

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A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it w...

It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson’s house

Wade didn’t want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap. <...

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Black testicles

When I was nursing, a poor old gentleman lying flat on the bed, wearing an oxygen mask asked me “Are my testicles black?”

So I pulled back the covers and raised his gown to take a look.

All seemed normal and I was puzzled as to why they’d be black when he was admitted with a lung prob...

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

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little old lady

A little old lady was strutting up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say

"Supersex."

She walked right up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at

him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat sile...

*HR Manager in Heaven!*

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died.


Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself.


"Welcome to Heaven," said God.


"Well, what we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a ...

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My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip o...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

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My absent minded friend

A friend of mine was asked by his wife to tidy up the bathroom. She headed out on her Saturday afternoon shopping trip while he set to work.

One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch the football in the pub.

When he ...

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I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting...

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.

"What's that mean?" the guy says.

"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.

The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval...

A man goes to the hospital

A nurse entered the patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In...in front of you?" He mumbles, shyly.

The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times." Th...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

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A man knocks on the door

Little Johnny opens it with a satin gown on a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other.

The man asks “are your parents home?”

To which Johnny replies “does it fucking look like it?”

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A garbage man is doing his collections....

..... he sees that one house has not put their bin out front. He checks down the side of the house, it's not there, so he knocks at the front door. No answer, so he rings the bell, still no answer. He knocks one last time, waits and finally starts walking back down the path towards the street. But t...

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So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday.

I was sitting in the exam room in the paper gown when in walks the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen. She picked up my chart and looked over it for a few minutes. Finally, she looked up and said, "Mr. Cow, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I said, "Why?!" She said, "Because I'm trying t...

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he c...

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A man enters a bus one day

And sits next to the most beautiful nun he's ever seen. He tries to contain his excitement, but after awhile, he asks her

"Sister, I know you are not supposed to, but I find you to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would not forgive myself if I did not try. Would you grant me th...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

What Are You Here For?

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child.

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.

“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream y...

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(NSFW) The three Chinese tortures

A young man is lost, hungry and wandering around China. As he is wandering, he happens to find this old mansion on top of a cliff. He walks up to the door and rings the bell and an old man answers. The young man asks the older gentleman if he can have some food and spend the night. The old man agre...

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A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.

“Would you like anything?” She says.

The man says, “Yes, are my testicles black?”

The n...

A man walks into a bar...

...wearing a hospital gown and attached to an IV drip.
He asks the barman to give him a double Vodka on the rocks.
Barman passes him one and he necks it back.
He asks the barman for another double Vodka on the rocks.
Barman passes him another and he necks it back.

'I really should...

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Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother ...

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding...

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At ...

AIRPLANE FASHION

A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man staring at her.
She asked him, "Were you admiring my airplane?"
He replied, "No, I was admiring the landing field."

When the US elects President Susan Goldfarb ...

The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn'...

A man goes into the hospital for surgery.

The receptionist leads him to his room, gives him his hospital gown, and shows him how to put it on. She says to him, "Take off all your clothes, put on your gown, and the doctor will be in shortly."

"Ok," the man says. The receptionist leaves, and he proceeds to get undressed. The man is ...

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A man goes to see his priest.

"Father I'm getting audited by the IRS and I don't know what to do. My accountant tells me to dress modestly but my lawyer tells me to dress to the nines and wear my most expensive watch to show I'm not afraid. "

"Son, this reminds me of a girl that her mother told her to dress in a gown tha...

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Not meant for shrimp lovers...(NSFW)

Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother’s house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says “What is it Johnny?”. Little Johnny says “Grandma has a shrimpy”! His mother looks at him puzzled. “She has a WHAT?” Johnny ...

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A man goes to the hospital to have his vasectomy procedure performed...

He gets his gown and is in his bed in his hospital room.

The nurse comes in to prepare him for surgery. She shaves the areas that need shaving and then tells the man, "I am going to need to clear your pipes". She then proceeds to give the man a handjob until completion.

This is a sha...

A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to strip down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.

A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits d...

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The Nightgown.

An old, boring married couple of 40 years were getting ready for bed. The wife felt as though her husband hasn't recently been noticing her the way he used to and wanted to do something out of the ordinary to see if he would notice. She decided that this evening she would put on the same nightgown s...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits...

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking. The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to know one
another's theology across sectaria...

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Herschel the Magnificent Jew

A sign at the theatre says: "Tonight, Herschel the Magnificent Jew - 8 o' clock". So the fella decides to go take in the show. At 8 o' clock, Herschel comes out in a dressing gown, takes it off and he is stark naked from head to foot. In between his legs is the biggest member you have ever seen. Her...

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Dirty Santa Joke

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra...

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A woman is sick of her husband...

(Prepare yourself. You'll be here for a little while)

The guy is a dedicated body builder of 14 years. He's in great shape but he barely pays any attention to his wife. She decides to go and find a better man one night.

She ends up in a nightclub and meets a good looking young Doctor. ...

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A romance had begun to bloom between two nursing home patients ...

... and one day, when they were both feeling particularly frisky, the couple went back to the old woman's room and closed the door behind them.

The two began to kiss -- softly at first, but then things began to get more passionate.

The old woman began to breathe very heavily, encouragi...

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of t...

The Fruit Revolution

So humanity progresses enough in technology to create super genetically modified fruit. These fruit are ten times larger than their natural counterparts and contain fifty times the nutrition. Obviously, this becomes a great success and scientists continue to make and improve the genetically modified...

One day a man got a flat tire...

... right in front of an insane asylum. "Dagnabbit!" he cursed as he pulled a jack and a tire iron from his trunk. Just then he noticed a man in a white hospital gown staring at him from up on a hill behind the wrought iron bars.

The driver set about his task. He popped the hubcap off, loose...

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Three men approach the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at them regretfully and says," Listen guys I'm really sorry, but heaven is really full at the moment and we are only letting in people who experience a really horrible death."

So the first guy steps forward. "You are never going to believe this. I was doing my daily stretches o...

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Mr Postman knocks at Little Johnny's parents' house...

Johnny answers the door, wearing his dad's dressing gown, holding a half-smoked cuban cigar and swigging from a bottle of Cognac.
"Hello Little Johnny" said the postman, "are your parents in please?"
Little Johnny replies, "DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE IT?!"

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Student Nurse

A nurse had to look after a very weak old man at a hospital. One day she came in the room he is in to see how he was doing. The old man, with his frail old hand partially lifting the mask on his face asked the Nurse in a somewhat muffled voice, "Can you please (mumble mumble) check to see if my (m...

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Two young men are conscripted into the army

Two young men are conscripted into the army and upon registering they decide to fail their physical exam and have all their teeth removed.
The two young men go to the army doctors office where they change into gowns to be examined. Between them is also a big bloke dressed in a gown and awaiti...

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In a mental institution, everyday a woman goes around flashing everyone...

and every time she does it, she lifts up her gown and yells "SUPER PUSSY!", revealing her old, disgustingly hairy pussy. And every time she does it, everybody turns and watches her as she runs off, and goes about their business.

Day after day, she runs up to everybody yelling "SUPER PUSSY!", ...

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