How does a fat Jedi get their robes on?

By Force

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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The priest and the nun.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks prett...

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An old man is in the hospital

A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?"

So he asks again, "Are my testicles black?"

Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in her han...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

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Eddie had forgotten his wedding anniversary

His wife was really pissed. She told him,
“Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there w...

A politician dies…

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

“So, you’re a politician…” “Well, yes, is that a problem?” “Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, an...

Conductor

One day, a train conductor is walking down the aisle making sure everyone has a ticket. As he’s making his way down he sees the mayor, he asks the mayor for his ticket and the mayor says “dang I must’ve forgotten it in my car” and the conductor says “no ticket, no ride” and he throws the mayor out o...

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An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
...

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says
"NO! I am married to God!!"
and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this.
He tells the hippie
"She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in...

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The day the postman retires.

A postman is delivering letters on his last day before retirement, he walks up some steps onto a porch and puts some mail through the slot in the door. He starts to walk down the stairs when he hears the door opening, he looks back and there’s a lady in a robe. She takes his hand and they go upstair...

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes ...

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Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwa...

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

A priest dies and goes to heaven and is met by Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.

As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.

"Hey, what gives? I did God's work, how come he...

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

The joke my great-grandpa told me about 15 years ago

A man kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep one day. After he wakes up, he notices an old man in white robes lying next to him instead of his wife.
- Who are you and why are you in my bed?! - he asks.
- This is not your bedroom. I am St Peter and you're in Heaven.
- What?! I'm d...

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[NSFW] A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a swe...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

Harrison Ford said this joke on Jimmy Fallon

Two cannibals walk by past each other in the woods in opposite directions. Cannibal 1 says to the other, "hey, how's it going?".

Cannibal 2 replies "not so good, I ate something funny".

Cannibal 1: "really ? Like what?

Cannibal 2: "a missionary"

Cannibal 1: "well, how d...

A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.

God to the guy: Who are you? Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver. God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest:Who are you? Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people. God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of ...

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How did Harry Potter go down the hill?

Tumbling.

Fucking wizardry robes ain’t safe.

The pope dies and gets met by Jesus at the gates of heaven.

As they step inside, a ferarri pulls up and a man in red robes steps out with a beautiful blonde on his arm.

Shocked at such impropriety from a Cardinal, the pope asks Jesus what is going on.

"Oh," says Jesus, "he was a pious, celibate man his whole life, so dad gave him the opportuni...

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

A Cannibal is walking in the jungle toward his village.

Soon, a second cannibal joins him on the road. The first cannibal says to the second, “Hi, How’re you doing?”

The second cannibal says, “Not so good. My stomach has been upset for the past few days.”

The first cannibal replies, “Well, what’ve you been eating?”

The second canniba...

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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her.

So he decides to propose to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?"
The nun angrily answers, "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his wait...

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A nun and a rastafarian sit down on a bus

The Rastafarian asks the nun if she’ll go on a date with him and then go back to his place. The nun is disgusted and tells him she sworn to only the lord and leaves

The bus driver tell the Rastafarian that that every night she goes to pray in the church courtyard and could find her there.
...

Johnny and 7 other boys storm a bakery early in the morning.

They knock over all the workers, then proceed to stomp and walk all over the pies and pastries. The bakers call the police who take the boys into custody.
After investigating, the police decide to give the boys 60 hours of community service for the local council. Johnny is sent out with two othe...

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A man sitting in a bar has a revelation.

After a few drinks a man in a bar begins to think that his wife is cheating on him. He rushes home to his second story apartment and finds his wife in a sexy robe. Conviced that he caught her he starts searching throughout the apartment but cannot find anyone.
All of a sudden he hears a cry of h...

There was once a 10 year old little boy

Riding his blue bicycle in his mountain town. He hears a strange, unfamiliar bell coming from the top of the nearby mountain. He decides to investigate the next day. He wakes up extra early at 7am and begins his summit to find the bell. He arrives at the top of the mountain after a long 12 hour bike...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

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Two old men, Peter and Mike, are sitting in their room at the Senior Home....

When all of the sudden an elderly woman kicks open the door, opens her robe and yells SUPER PUSSY! Mike turns to Peter and says "what did she say?" Peter says "she said Super Pussy" Mike looks back at the lady gives her a quick once over with his eyes, looks back over to Peter and says "Tell her I'l...

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The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.

After a co...

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him.

St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his lis...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven

While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in

Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest say...

Guy walks into a bar with brown robes on...

Guy walks into a bar with brown robes on and the bartender asks "what’s with the robes, you just get out of a Renaissance faire?”


He replies, ”No I’m a Carmelite priest.”

The bartender exclaims "I’ll be damned!”

He answers “I hope not!"

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, wh...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Who says guys don’t remember anniversaries!

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wip...

A Couple were walking down a stern at night.

As they were walking, they pass by a house that seemed exceptionally quiet and dreary. The windows were pitch black, the chimney was spewing black smog, and the front door had darkness spilling from all edges. The husband was very curious as to why this house was so unnaturally dark, so went to the ...

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A KKK member finds a magic lamp on the beach...

He rubs it and a Black genie pops out. The genie looks at the man and says "damn, this is pretty fucked up. I'll tell you what. I'll give you three wishes, but I'm also going to grant your wish to every black person in the world and double it."

"Fair enough" says the KKK member. "I wish f...

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

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The post man's last day....

A beloved postman announces his retirement. As he is walking his rounds in a picturesque, tree-lined neighborhood, he is greeted at one of the doors by a young, pretty woman. She is wearing a fairly short, sexy robe and invites him in.



Once inside she leads him to the kitchen table w...

A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.

He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work t...

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After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman's last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. "Good Luck to ye, Brian!" They called a...

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Twelve priests are about to do their final test before being ordained...

In order to confirm their virtue a bell is tied on their penis and they all have to stand in line and watch a naked woman dance in front of them. If the bell rings they have failed and get kicked out of the church.

Eleven priests pass the test but the twelfth fails. The bell rings and falls d...

Bush and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.


George W. approached the man and inquired,"Excuse me are you Moses?"

<...

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

Running culture has gotten weird

Back in my day we wore running shoes and shorts and just tried our best, but I showed up to a 3K and all the people were in hoods and robes and they were all super unpleasant.

The Johnsons are celebrating Christmas...

Little Timmy, who just turned 6, never speaks. He is always silent and all the family thinks he's got some kind of problem.

While all the family is enjoying Christmas evening dinner, suddenly, little Timmy stands up and says:

"-Uncle"

All the family is speechless...

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

At the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Soph...

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Nun on a bus

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can sc...

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

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Beautiful Butt

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have a beautiful butt." She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband's birthday is coming up, and so she decides she's going to get "beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass cheeks, one cheek with "beautiful" and the other w...

How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.

The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.

The sheriff sends in two more men,...

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Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

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A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”

An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe. “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says. “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”

He heads to the truc...

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A man gets on the bus and the only seat available is up front next to a beautiful nun

He tries starting small talk but she isn't interested in the slightest, and a few stops later she gets off. The bus driver, having watched all this, feels sorry for the young man. "hey pal, don't sweat it. She gets on this bus every Tuesday to go to the market and every time there's a young guy like...

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

So I was walking down the street one day, when an oddly dressed man caught my attention.

He was wearing a long, white, clinical robe and shouting at nearly everybody that came within his proximity. Having foolishly stopped out of curiosity he approached me. “Global Warming is having a drastic effect on the globes axis!”, he yelped. “The rotation of the Earth is speeding up dramatically,...

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Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded J...

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So Mickey Is In Court Divorcing Minnie...

There are lawyers everywhere, wearing black suits and carrying big books and glasses. The judge is an old white man in a black robe who says, "So, Mickey, you said you're divorcing your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey says, *With all due respect Your Honor, I said that she was fucking goofy!*

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to h...

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30 years ago

A husband and his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.

The woman asks: "What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 30 years ago?"

"I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"

"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered t...

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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

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A mailman is on his last route before retirement. [NSFW]

He comes up to one of the last houses and, to his surprise, the wife opens the door in a bathrobe when he is about to put mail into the slot.

She asks if he’d like to come inside to which he agrees. Once inside she asks if he likes to see. He replies “yes, of course.” She then drops he robe a...

Husband and wife are in bed one night...

when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles a...

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Tom is Shocked to See a Man in His Wife's Bed!

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroo...

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