A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

People think Tom Cruise is short for a man

It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"

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My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

Ten of the Richest People in the World Take a Luxurious Cruise Around the Globe

Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, Richard Branson, Michael Bloomberg, Steve Ballmer, Charles Koch, and Jim Walton went on a luxurious yacht to cruise around the globe. Each of them brought an endangered animal to cook and eat as a delicacy during the trip.
Little...

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Why was the cruise full of penises and potatoes not popular?

It was actually a dick tater ship.

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

I’m writing a book about an American who falls off a cruise ship and washes up on the shore of a land run by Satan-worshiping extraterrestrial lizard people.

I’m calling it “Gullible’s Travels.”

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

Why are there no Portuguese cruise lines in Africa?

They're not falling for that twice!

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

My wife is really worried about our upcoming cruise because of the Corona Virus.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all on the same boat.”

Lottery winner

Man comes home from work yelling honey honey I just won the lottery pack your bags.

Wife yells down what am I packing for the beach, the mountains, a cruise.

He yells back up. I don't care just get the hell out

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A cruise ship was attacked by a group of pirates. All the men were captured, including the captain. One day he complained to the pirates.

Captain: I haven't had sex for weeks. I need a woman please.

Pirates: You can try the barrel with a small hole drilled through it downstairs. It feels just like having sex with a woman.

Captain: Seriously?

The captain, feeling skeptical, went downstairs anyway for the barrel. Af...

what do you call a cruise full of college graduates?













(a Scholar-ship)

Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.

"I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"Good!" everyone says in unison.

The captain says, "We won eleven Oscars!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship?

Please bring me the passenger list.

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

Mr. Johnson decided to go yachting one day, when he became lost.

After being out at sea for three days, Mr. Johnson looked up and saw a huge cruise ship sailing towards him. The enormous ship halted next to the yacht.

"Thank goodness you showed up!" shouted Mr. Johnson. "I've been lost for three days."

The captain looked down from the ship and said,...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

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A Rabbi goes on a cruise.

Midway through the trip, a severe storm sinks the ship and the Rabbi finds himself the lone survivor on his life boat. Starving and dehydrated, his life boat beaches on an unexplored island populated by natives.

They take him in, and nurse him back to health. Over the course of months he is...

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

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Why won't black people board cruise ships?

We're not falling for that bullshit again.

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Why don’t black people ever go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that one again.

Did you hear Tom Cruise rented a whole ship for the M17 crew’s accommodation in Norway?

It really is a Tom Cruise.

I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise

So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.

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The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

As I saw Tom Cruise firing bullets at an innocent crowd, I immediately made a wish.

It was after all a Shooting Star!

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife suggested they take a cruise.

“We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!"

He thought it over and agreed. So, he put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thi...

Condoms & Dramamine

Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs do...

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Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants.

No Shit.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

On a tour of some really remote islands...

A cruise ship passed by an archipelago. A sharp-eyed passenger spotted a ragged figure by a campfire who jumped up and started waving his arms wildly.

"Captain!" said the passenger, "I see someone over there....who is that?"

"I'm not sure," replied the captain, "but he goes nuts every ...

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Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

My wife and I were on a cruise.

"This watch I bought," she said, "can go 200 metres underwater."



I took it off her wrist and chucked it into the ocean.



"Nonsense," I replied, pointing, "you can see it's still floating."

Right now is a great time to go on a cruise

You buy one week and get two for free.

2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat.

They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.

Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?

Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”

Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out i...

A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.

Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ru...

I once took a spanish language course on a cruise ship

And I got lost at si

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy ...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie.

There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.

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Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

A priest, a rabbi and a monk are on a sinking cruise ship.

The rabbi says, "We should save the kids!"

The monk says, "Screw the kids!"

The priest asks the monk, "Do we really have time?"

(Sorry if you heard this before, a friend told me it)

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

Why is it that Tom Cruise does his own stunts in every movie?

Because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

These cruise deals are getting out of hand

A month ago, if you paid $1500 you could cruise for seven days. But right now if you pay $219, you can cruise for the rest of your life!

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

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I call my penis Tom Cruise.

It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.

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Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

Two old men are sitting out on the deck of a cruise ship. One turns to the other and asks, "have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "yeah, I think it's from sitting on these wicker chairs".

Polish Cruise

A Polish guy is walking down the street in Chicago when he sees a sign outside a bar:

"Polish Special: Dinner and a Cruise, $3.00!"

So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple ...

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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

I just got back from a cruise to China

It was sick.

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Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

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The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:

"Darling, will you marry me?"

The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:

"If you find it, I'll marry you"

The man, desperatel...

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A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I nev...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise...

... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...

Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men.

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Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise

Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise when suddenly the engine fails. The captain announces that three people must sacrifice their lives and jump off board to make sure the others can reach home safely.

After a long wait an honourable Japanese man jumps over , willing to ...

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

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Why don't black people take Cruise's?

They ain't gonna fall for that shit again.

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A man and his wife are on a cruise

The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts.
-A 100$ to the man that can save my wife!
Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woma...

On a cruise ship

A man is standing on deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is ye...

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Potential vs reality

An 8 year old son asks his father
"what is the difference between Potential and Reality"
father turns to his wife
"would you sleep with George .W. Bush for $I million ?

Wife"of course i will never waste that opportunity"
father turns to his daughter
"would you sleep with Brad p...

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It’s called Whisky Business

The $50 Cruise

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.



He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean....

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot r...

What does a terrorist say before a cruise?

Bomb voyage

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