This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the cruise full of penises and potatoes not popular?

It was actually a dick tater ship.

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

Why are there no Portuguese cruise lines in Africa?

They're not falling for that twice!

My wife is really worried about our upcoming cruise because of the Corona Virus.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all on the same boat.”

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How tall is Tom Cruise when masturbating?

5 foot nuttin’

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise ship was attacked by a group of pirates. All the men were captured, including the captain. One day he complained to the pirates.

Captain: I haven't had sex for weeks. I need a woman please.

Pirates: You can try the barrel with a small hole drilled through it downstairs. It feels just like having sex with a woman.

Captain: Seriously?

The captain, feeling skeptical, went downstairs anyway for the barrel. Af...

What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship?

Please bring me the passenger list.

Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.

"I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"Good!" everyone says in unison.

The captain says, "We won eleven Oscars!"

what do you call a cruise full of college graduates?













(a Scholar-ship)

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy ...

The Man Who Knows Everyone

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know," he said, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it...

Did you hear about how Tom Cruise belittled his film crew over Covid violations?

Normally he's the one that be little...

Did you hear Tom Cruise rented a whole ship for the M17 crew’s accommodation in Norway?

It really is a Tom Cruise.

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

Mr. Johnson decided to go yachting one day, when he became lost.

After being out at sea for three days, Mr. Johnson looked up and saw a huge cruise ship sailing towards him. The enormous ship halted next to the yacht.

"Thank goodness you showed up!" shouted Mr. Johnson. "I've been lost for three days."

The captain looked down from the ship and said,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi goes on a cruise.

Midway through the trip, a severe storm sinks the ship and the Rabbi finds himself the lone survivor on his life boat. Starving and dehydrated, his life boat beaches on an unexplored island populated by natives.

They take him in, and nurse him back to health. Over the course of months he is...

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

The captain of our cruise has a hobby of determining what kitchen utensils would make cute couples.

I'm just glad he's shipping the sink, and not the other way round.

As I saw Tom Cruise firing bullets at an innocent crowd, I immediately made a wish.

It was after all a Shooting Star!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the fl...

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

I told my barber I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise

So he sat me down on a couple of phone books.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why won't black people board cruise ships?

We're not falling for that bullshit again.

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beach locals have been enjoying the decrease in cruise-ship pollutants.

No Shit.

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife suggested they take a cruise.

“We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!"

He thought it over and agreed. So, he put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Potential vs reality

An 8 year old son asks his father
"what is the difference between Potential and Reality"
father turns to his wife
"would you sleep with George .W. Bush for $I million ?

Wife"of course i will never waste that opportunity"
father turns to his daughter
"would you sleep with Brad p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t black people ever go on cruises?

They’re not falling for that one again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

My wife and I were on a cruise.

"This watch I bought," she said, "can go 200 metres underwater."



I took it off her wrist and chucked it into the ocean.



"Nonsense," I replied, pointing, "you can see it's still floating."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

I once took a spanish language course on a cruise ship

And I got lost at si

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Cruise is casted on the same movie.

There is a scene where Tom Cruise climbs on top of Dwayne Johnson without using a stunt double since he is so good at rock climbing.

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

The titanic was a good cruise ship and all...

But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg

I don't need upvotes I need a thank you

2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat.

They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.

Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?

Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”

Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are on a cruise ship that’s sinking

The rabbi yells, “save the kids!” Followed by the lawyer who responds, “nah, fuck the kids” the priest looks at them both and quietly says, “do you think we have time?”

Right now is a great time to go on a cruise

You buy one week and get two for free.

What was Tom Cruises first marriage called?

The Manchild vs. Kidman


——

Please go easy, I know it’s not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name.

A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.

Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ru...

Why is it that Tom Cruise does his own stunts in every movie?

Because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy named dave...

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's...

These cruise deals are getting out of hand

A month ago, if you paid $1500 you could cruise for seven days. But right now if you pay $219, you can cruise for the rest of your life!

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

Two old men are sitting out on the deck of a cruise ship. One turns to the other and asks, "have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "yeah, I think it's from sitting on these wicker chairs".

Polish Cruise

A Polish guy is walking down the street in Chicago when he sees a sign outside a bar:

"Polish Special: Dinner and a Cruise, $3.00!"

So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple ...

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

If Tom Cruise forget to set his alarm clock

He'd be Tom Snooze

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

I just got back from a cruise to China

It was sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my penis Tom Cruise.

It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise

Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise when suddenly the engine fails. The captain announces that three people must sacrifice their lives and jump off board to make sure the others can reach home safely.

After a long wait an honourable Japanese man jumps over , willing to ...

City Man Visits the Farm

A farmer's sister and her husband come and visit from the city. After unpacking the husband asks the farmer what he is planning to do.

"Wait," the husband says let me guess, "You are going to jump in your tractor, program the GPS, turn on the AC, crank up the radio and cruise around all day....

I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise...

... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady was on the deck of a cruise ship, when a strong wind blew up

Without thinking, she grabbed her hat with both hands, to stop it blowing away. A steward rushed up to her, saying "madam, the wind has blown your dress up too, and you're not wearing any underwear! Everyone can see your private parts!".

The old lady replied "anything down there is 72 years ...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cruise Joke

A man and his girlfriend are on a cruise, and, one night, the man shows her a ring and asks:

"Darling, will you marry me?"

The girl, who wanted a true demonstration of love, threw the ring into the ocean, and then said:

"If you find it, I'll marry you"

The man, desperatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I nev...

The $50 Cruise

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.



He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean....

On a cruise ship

A man is standing on deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is ye...

What did Jack Nicholson say to Tom Cruise when he asked for a Martini?

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE VERMOUTH!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't black people take Cruise's?

They ain't gonna fall for that shit again.

Tom Cruise is making a movie about distilling moonshine during prohibition

It’s called Whisky Business

A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot r...

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

What does a terrorist say before a cruise?

Bomb voyage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says “big storm’s a brewin”. The wife Unicorn then replies, “ well then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!”

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.