UPJOKE
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I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

Why can cutlery teleport but not time travel?

It's silverwhere, not silverwhen.

If I Cuold Time Travel

I would fix the title.

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A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked “So how are you doing?”

“Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.”

“Well that sucks, you’ll probably land on your fe...

I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

I think the tomatoes in my garden are actually round red time travelers.

They all seem to be developing wormholes.

Why is time travel like British boots?

It’s a pair-a-docs.

I was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel.....

But you didn't like it.

My wife must have wanted to be a time traveller

She keeps going back to the past.

How many time travelers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. One to change the lightbulb and one to hold the ladder.

This guy asked me if I was a time traveler

I said, “not right now.”

The barman says “We don’t serve time travellers in here”.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

What do you call a bounty hunter that can time travel

The ManDeLorean

What does a time traveler do when he wanted more dessert?

He goes back for seconds

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What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?

Quan-tities

The two happiest days in a time traveler's life:

The day they complete their time machine and the day they stop themself from completing their time machine.

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.

So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

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A time traveler joke

A time traveler goes to kill Hitler. He is drinking at a bar. The traveler sits down and orders a drink. "Do you know what I hate?" Hitler says. "I don't know, Jews?" the traveler replies. "I was going to say time travelers coming to kill me. But now that you mentioned it..."

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

A time traveler meets a teacher

“Can I ask you what month it it?”

“May.”

“Fine. *May* I ask you what month it is?”

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.

I always wanted to get into sci-fi movies about time travel...

...but my interest in time travel ended before it really began.

So a time traveler meets George W Bush...

Time Traveler: "What year is it?"

George Bush: "2001"

TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"

GB: "Before"

For those interested in time travel

Meet here last Thursday at 7 PM

Bartender: We don’t serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

A man is explaining the concepts of time travel.

He speaks of how you must not manipulate what happened before, because that is how the current events occurred. However, it may be possible to change what will happen, due to quantum uncertainty.

In summary, he passed the past, presented the present and featured the future.

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In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''



The other one repl...

I have found a way to time travel!

It's called: "sleeping"

I’ve just time travelled from next week to tell you who won the election

It was the rich, old white guy

Time travel is actually possible!

I'll explain how five minutes ago.

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Just found out from a time traveler who lost tonight’s debate!

America!

Enjoy the shit show. Cheers.

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"

"Before"

I posted a really good time travel joke next week.

It blew up!

I think my wife is a time traveler

I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

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A magician discovers time travel

A magician pulls out a sledgehammer and asks for a volunteer. A guy comes up and the magician says, "I want you to hit me in the head with this sledgehammer." So the volunteer picks the sledgehammer up and swings it down into the magician's head. The magician wakes up in a hospital bed three years l...

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

Someone gave me an award for a bad time travel joke.

You want to know what it was? Well I don’t know, I haven’t told it yet.

I was gonna post a time travel joke

But after seeing how many times it been reposted, i think it can wait.

If the U.S. ever discovered Time Travel

It would go back in time and invade itself for oil.

I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.

It was ahead of its time.

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Me: Time travel

Interviewer: what's your biggest stren- holy shit

Have you heard of the upcoming movie where a time traveller gets transformed into a chicken?

It's called Bawk to the Future.

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small techni...

Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel.

Today I know why we never developed time travel.

A time traveler goes to the past

A time traveler goes to the past and squishes a bug by accident,he goes back to the future and finds a woman on the sidewalk,he asks her "Who is president?" She replies with "Joe biten." He then says "You mean joe biden?" She shook her head and pointed behind him..there was a bulldog in a suit. "Joe...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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If time travellers exist they must be Nazis cuz they didn't go back and stop Hitler.

A man gets a worried look on his face. What are you, a time traveller? No I'm a preacher.

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