"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."
"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."
"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."
"I refuse...
I was having dinner with my boss
His wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.
My favourite Tim Vine Joke
Last night my wife and I watched 3 films back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the screen.
Credit to Tim Vine.
I said to my gym instructor, "Can you teach me how to do the splits?"
He said: "Well how flexible are you?"
I said: "I can’t make Tuesdays"
(by Tim Vine)
I threw out my old vacuum cleaner today...
It was just gathering dust.
(Courtesy of Tim Vine)
I went to a record shop to buy my dad a new vinyl, I said “what’ve you got by the doors?”
He said “a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher”
- Tim Vine
Conjunctivitis.com
That’s a site for sore eyes
- Tim Vine, 2012
My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."
"My mother was never a young boy."
Tim Vine
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...
I won't be doing that again.
joke by Tim Vine
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley
She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
- Tim Vine, King of the one liners.
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