My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

My wife and I agreed that if I ever quit working we would sever ties

Because I wouldn't have a use for them anymore.

A man in an orange jumpsuit breaks into a nice house and ties the couple he finds in the bedroom up.

After tying them up, the husband watches as the man walks over and slowly kisses the wife’s neck, before standing up, walking into the bathroom, and closing the door.

The husband says to his wife, “Look at his jumpsuit - he must’ve just gotten out of prison. I saw how he kissed your neck - yo...

Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

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After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties

When Donald Trump says he doesn’t have any Russian ties, he isn’t lying.

All his ties are made in China.

Ties

This is a funny my wife said to one of her professors in vet school:

Prof: This is my favorite tie it has almost every type of cow on it.

Wife: You should get one with pigs on it then you'd have a hog tie.

I thought Trump's ties were made in China...

Why is everyone saying they're from Russia now?

Why do supervisors wear ties?

To keep their foreskin from rolling up over their heads.

This is apparently a really old joke. A 58 y/o coworker told me this one, thought it was hilarious!

In what country do ties reside?

Tiraq!

A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.

The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.

Finally she spoke, “...

Apparently other than the russian ties, another interesting revelation was released about Trump.

He loves trickle-down economics.

I don't wear ties

I wear wins

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Hey, how does Hitler ties his shoes?

in little Nazis

My friend recently started shanking mules, so I cut ties with him.

He was starting to be a real pain in the ass.

I don't get all the jokes about Trumps Russian ties.

I just looked it up and Trump makes his ties in China

Just had to cut ties with the girl I was dating after I found out we both wanted different things.

She wanted a relationship and I wanted a better looking girlfriend.

My therapist told me that if I have a problem with somebody, I should sever ties with them.

My coworker just asked me what I was doing to his clip-on.

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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

I don't understand why people keep going after Trump for Russian ties

All of his ties are made in China, just look at the label!

Despite Trump's recent push to bring manufacturing jobs to the U,S., where are most of his Signature Series ties made?

Tieland

This was my grandpa's favorite joke: why don't elephants wear ties?

Because then they'd be called Elegants !

Russia responds to the allegations that it has 'deep ties' to Trump.

"We do not comment on personnel matters."

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to...

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Apparently there's this guy who steals people's poops and ties them together..

I shit you knot.

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

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A cowboy rides into town on a hot day

He ties his horse to the hitching post outside the saloon, then walks around behind the horse, lifts up the tail and kisses it right on the asshole. Then he walks into the saloon, orders a whiskey and downs it.

The cowboy tips his hat to the bartender and walks back outside where he proceeds...

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.

We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours....

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Extra Spoon

Linda was dining at an incredibly fancy restaurant. It was so posh and refined, Linda was mortified when she knocked her spoon off the table as soon as the waiter delivered her soup. But, without hesitation, the waiter produced a replacement from the pocket of his apron.

"Thanks so much," sa...

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

A rope walks into a bar

Theres a sign up that reads “No Ropes Allowed”. The bartender sees him and says, “Hey you gotta get out, your kind isn’t welcome here”. The rope goes home, ties a knot at the top and takes a pair of scissors and cuts up whats sticking out to look like hair. He goes back to the bar where the bartende...

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

A 5 year old boy nags and nags his mother to get him a horse.

He is relentless until she figures out a compromise, she gets him a stick horse. He is disappointed, but soon he and the stick horse bond, the boy teaches his horse to walk, trot, gallop and to neck rein. On the first day back to school after summer vacation the boy rides his horse to school. He ...

Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a pers...

A boy is preparing his suit in a hotel room alone.

But he doesn’t know how to tie his bow tie. Unable to figure it out he asks the man at the room next door if he can. The man says, “Sure, just lay down on the bed.” The boy is hesitant but in a rush so he follows his instructions. The man hovers over him and quickly ties the bow tie. The boy sits up...

There's this man stranded in the desert

He has been dehydrated for over 2 days, and almost gives up all hope, when he sees a tent, with people!

He sums up the strength to get there, when the man running the tent sees him.

"Hello do you need anything?"

"Water, I need Water"

"Well, I'm sorry sir, but we only sell...

A Destructive Relationship Ended

```

A friend once introduced us
I hardly even knew

The ties that seemed to bind us
Imperceptively grew

Eventually my body ached
I could only think your name

At 3am I lied awake
Longing for a change

You pulled me from
the ones I love
To...

A piece of string walks slowly into a bar and walks up to the counter..

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here, you are going to have to leave”

The piece of string walks out the door in a huff. He is so angry that he ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The barten...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the oth...

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

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In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food,...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

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The Big Ed joke

EDIT: Best told at parties. Draaaaggg it out before hitting them with the groaner, and walk away all pleased with yourself. :)



In a dusty one-street Old West town — the kind of place with muddy roads, one hotel, two whorehouses, and three saloons, all on the same block — there's a bar...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

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Buy a tie

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have wate...

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

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A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”

Mushroom says “why not? Im a fun guy”

—-

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”

The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in ...

An American soldier

is fighting in Germany in World War II. The battle is so intense, men are dropping everywhere. Finally, the Americans run out of ammunition. In a panic, a soldier approaches his Sergeant. "Sarge, we're out of ammo! What are we going to do?" The Sergeant looks around, and all he can find is a broom. ...

A string is walking home from work one Friday evening after a long week at work.

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks t...

Three pieces of string walked into a bar.

The first one goes to the barman and asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends. The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.' So. It goes back to its friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here' And it's a joke, so the middle one does it too, then the last one, but...

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A Rapist breaks into a house

A rapist breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He then kissed the wife's ear and went into the bathroom. The husband said "satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong, love you!!"

The wife answered, "He didnt kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay. He needed vaseline so...

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NSFW - This guy sees his appendage in comparison to the guy next to him in the bathroom.

#NSFW
So this white guy notices that the black guy next to him at the urinal has a larger dick. It's not the first time he noticed the relationship. Finally, he summons the courage to ask. "Why are your black dicks larger than our white dicks ?"

The black guy chuckles. "It's cultura...

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The monkey and the Lion

Deep down in the depths of the jungle, the fierce lion roared at the monkey who had just made it up his tree.

"Oh monkey why won't you come on down !" He roared .

"NO, your going to eat me!"

"I'm not little monkey, I'll ask tiger to tie my front paws up. "

The lions fr...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

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Old couple are getting ready for bed...

An older couple are getting ready for bed and the lady is feeling frisky. She decides a little role play is in order . So she goes to the bathroom and she strips down, ties a towel around her neck and jumps out into the bedroom.

She screams, "super pussy!" The old man looks at her befuddled f...

Hugo meets a fantastic girl, and - curiously - she agrees to go on a date with him

Soon, Hugo and Phyllida are an item. They go to parties together, concerts, long walks on Sunday. It's great.

Then one day, Hugo is out shopping with his big sister Roberta, and he remembers that Phyllida works in the big menswear shop in town.

He's a bit anxious about mixing business...

An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.

"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.

"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"

"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village w...

A frayed knot

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve your kind in here, Get out!" The strings get up and walk out. One of the strings gets on the ground and rolls around and then ties himself in a knot. The other string says, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Just do ...

A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

A married couple was lying in bed when suddenly an intruder enters.

A married couple was lying in bed one night when suddenly an intruder breaks in.

He ties the couple up. He begins to look at the couple. First staring at the husband then staring at the wife. He walks over to the wife, leans his head close to hers, pulls back then walks into the bathroom....

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

Three strings were walking down the street looking for a good time.

They come upon a bar and figure they'd go in for a drink. The first one stops & points out a sign to the others "No Strings Allowed". Well, the first one, not wanting to be discriminated against says "Screw this, I'm going in." As he enters the bar, the bartender shouts "HEY STRING, get out! no ...

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Not Just A Nymph...But A Nympho [OC] (hopefully)

There's a poor farm family, Father, Mother and three sons. They make a very difficult living on a rocky farm, barely growing enough to survive. It's a hard life, teetering on the edge of disaster.

They have a cow, and it makes all the difference. She's a great producer of milk, and they are...

A thirsty man is crawling...

through the desert and comes up to a jewish tie salesman. He begs the salesman for water, but the salesman replys, "I don't have any water, but I have some nice ties for sale." The thirsty man again begs for water and the salesman says, " I only have ties, but over that sand dune 30 miles is a town ...

Dress Code

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his t...

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The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. "chicken! chicken! quick...

Buyer beware

A man wants to purchase some farmland, but is wary of the bees on the property. The farmer thinks the bees are harmless so he makes the prospective buyer a deal: he'll tie the buyer naked to a tree that has a bee hive for an hour, and if any bee stings him, the farmer will GIVE him the land for fre...

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are adventuring in the jungles of the rainforest

Upon entering a clearing they are suddenly ambushed by a remote cannabalistic tribe. They are bound, gagged, and marched into the village.

They old tribe shaman emerges from his hut and approaches them slowly. He squares up to the brunette, cuts her bound wrists and says with broken English ...

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In the jungle, there is a tree. In this tree lives a monkey, who races down and fucks anybody who happens to pass under it.

One day, the other animals get sick of it and go see the king of the jungle, the lion. They tell him about the monkey, so he agrees to go to the tree and talk to the monkey and put a stop to his actions. He reaches the tree and calls, - Monkey! Come down here, we need to talk. The monkey does not ...

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A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store

A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store and says to the store clerk in a mumbled voice, “water...water...please...water”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry sir but we don’t have any water here, we only sell ties. If you want water, there is a restaurant about 10 miles north of here.”
...

Why did Trump put tariffs on Canadian goods?

To prove that he has no ties to Poutine.

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A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night...

...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates.

Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tent...

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A traveler is going across the desert.

He comes across an oasis in the desert. After resting for a bit he notices that he is horny. He ties his camel to a tree, gets behind it and gets ready to pleasure himself. Only then the camel looks back and the man feels guilty and unties the camel.

He gets on the camel and keeps trotting t...

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

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