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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

A frayed knot

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve your kind in here, Get out!" The strings get up and walk out. One of the strings gets on the ground and rolls around and then ties himself in a knot. The other string says, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Just do ...

A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

What is a knot that you can't untie?

An astro(naut)

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar sits down and asks the bar tender for a drink, the bar tender tells him that they don't serve strings in his bar. So the string walks out goes into an alley pulls his threads apart and ties himself into a knot. The string walks back into the bar and sits down and the bar te...

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I ate two pieces of string yesterday and I pooped it out as one

I shit you knot

Captain: "Can you knot?"

Crew: "I can not."
Captain: "Wait, you can or you can't knot?"
Crew: "I can not knot."
Captain: "Not knot?"
Crew: "Not this rope i can not"
Captain: "Shutup"
Crew: "Can you not?"
Captain: "I can knot"
Crew: "I meant tell me too shutup"

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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time yo...

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"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"Fuck off!"

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Don’t make rope jokes. People get roped all the time.

that shit’s knot funny.

A peice of rope walks into a bar...

the rope asks for a drink and the bartender says "Didn't you read the sign? We don't serve rope here" The rope then walks out of the bar and finds a random man. The rope says to the man "Tie me in a knot" so the man ties the rope into a knot. The rope then says "Fray my ends" and so the man frays th...

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

My friend tied the knot and has been married for 25 years now.

Now he just wants the stool kicked out from under him.

Tomorrow I'm tying the knot!

And kicking the chair.

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I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to tie the knot.

She said, "Do your own fucking shoelaces."

After 5 years with my girlfriend, I decided it was time to tie the knot.

Hopefully the gag stays on too and I can finally get some peace.

What do you call a tangled rope in space?

Astro-knot.

My wife asked if we should try bondage.

I said, "We'd better knot."

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I have this cool party trick where I eat a rope and shit it out as a knot...

I shit you knot.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What did the mother rope say to her child?

“Don’t be knotty.”

I just watched a knot making documentary, it was really good!

Especially that ending, what a twist.

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot

I kid you not, that's what it was

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

Man Bun? or Douche Knot?

neither, it's a fairy tail.

How did the executioner learn about knots?

By watching the noose.

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I swallowed two strings by accident, and when I finally passed them they were miraculously tied together

I shit you knot

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I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

3 strings walk into a bar

The first tries to order a drink, and the bartender says "we don't serve strings in here. You gotta get out."

The second tries and gets the same answer.

The third tries, more confident than the others. The bartender says "you heard what I said. We don't serve strings here. You're a s...

A little old lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh,...

The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world...

You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.

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Three knots

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing? ‘

The pros...

Knot too shabby

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tie...

Some pretzels are totally weird...

They're knot for eating.

So a piece of string walks into a bar after a really hard day at work

He sits down and says, "bartender I've had a really hard day. I need a drink"
And the bartender says, "what? You're a string I can't serve you!"
So the string walks out and then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a knot and undoes and messes up his ends. Then he goes back in and the bartender...

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An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The prostitute replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your mon...

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Four American Indians are arguing over who has the longest penis

The first one says, "watch this," and proceeds to tie his into a knot.

The second Indian refuses to be outdone and proceeds to tie his in two knots.

The third Indian refuses to be shamed, so he ties his tight into three knots.

Then the forth Indian says, "How come?"

A rope in a bar

A rope went into a bar. But the bartender said there were no ropes allowed.
So the rope went outside and tied himself into a knot.
When he went back in the bartender said, “Are you the same rope who came in earlier?”
The rope said,” No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

...

Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a pers...

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

I was planning on doing some knitting

But I will knot.

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Stolen joke from my teenage son.

Him: I bet you I can go to the bathroom faster than you can tie your shoes.

Me: What? How?!

Him: I shit, you knot.

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My dog is so clever, he can swallow a whole ball of string.

I shit you knot.

A rope walks into a bar

Theres a sign up that reads “No Ropes Allowed”. The bartender sees him and says, “Hey you gotta get out, your kind isn’t welcome here”. The rope goes home, ties a knot at the top and takes a pair of scissors and cuts up whats sticking out to look like hair. He goes back to the bar where the bartende...

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

Ever heard of the rope that could?

Well, it could knot.

A two ropes walk into a bar...

*twist on old joke*

As they order bartender shakes his head, "Can't you read?" as he gestures to a sign that says ,"We don't like dopes and don't serve Ropes!"

The rope is floored, but his mother warned him that some people didnt like ropes. So he and his buddy left.

Outside his...

Pretzels

Two pretzels walked through a sketchy alleyway

One was a salted

The other was knot


*edit: thanks punconscious for helping a little bit*

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

Hey your shoes untied...

Knot

Not very good, but I haven’t forgotten it in a few years. Hope you like it.

Three strings walked into a bar. When they sat down, the bartender said “I’m sorry. We don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the strings left.

Not long after, the strings wanted to all go back to the bar. One of them had the idea of undoing the tip of his hair. They all did the same.
...

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

What did the depressed teen say to the other depressed teen?

Can you knot?

"What are you doing?" a man asked his osteopath

A man goes to visit his osteopath to ask about a pain he's feeling in his knee. He gets on the table and the osteopath sets to work massaging and stretching his muscles.

"That feels nice," the man says. "What are you doing?"

"Well," the osteopath says, "I'm working through all the tens...

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”

Mushroom says “why not? Im a fun guy”

—-

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”

The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in ...

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

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