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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is sexy

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm terrified.

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

How did Snoop Dogg get his Knot Tying merit badge?

With his hitches and bows.

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

Why is knotted string formal?

It wears a tie.

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The Angle

This prostitute is working the street when a John pulls up and lets her in the car. After sex, she tells him "That was great. What are we gonna name the baby?"

The guy panics and tosses her another $100 on the condition she forgets all about him. Seeing that she may have discovered a new ang...

A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes." The rope goes into the bathroom, tangles himself up and frazzles his ends. He walks up to the bartender who says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here?"

And he says, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot."

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If I swallow two pieces of string, they will come out the other end tied together.

I shit you knot.

What is a knot that you can't untie?

An astro(naut)

Rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." So the rope leaves, goes home. Grabs a pair of scissors, cuts the top of his head up, shreds himself up a bit ties himself a nice ponytail. Goes back to the bar. Bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope that walked in a while ago?" Rope says...

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"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"Fuck off!"

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

I bought my wife a mood ring..

when she is in a good mood it turns blue. When she is in a bad mood it turns red. Not the ring, the knot on the side of my head after she punches me repeatedly in the face.

A string walks into a bar

The string sits down at the bar and starts to order a drink.

The bartender interrupts him and says “Sorry, sir, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string gets upset and goes out into the back alley, where he ties himself in a knot and cuts himself up over the situation.

Aft...

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

Why did the couple get married in Bangkok?

Because they wanted to Thai the knot.

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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

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There are these three ropes, and they are the best of friends

Every Friday, they go to the bowling alley to hang out and play a few games. However, when they got there on Friday, there was a sign that said, "No ropes allowed". They decided it must be a mistake, so one of the ropes goes in to ask about it, but gets kicked out. The second one goes in to try his ...

Three Strings Walk Into a Bar

They all get a table and one of the strings says he’ll buy them drinks.

He goes up to the bar and says “Three beers please.” The bartender looks at him and says “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string says “What? You’re joking. No strings?” The bartender says “That’s right. Sorry”. T...

What did the person with curly hair say when their comb got stuck?

This is knot good

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I swallowed a piece of rope the other day.

I shit you knot.

Did we really need a separate unit for water speed?

I think knot.

Captain: "Can you knot?"

Crew: "I can not."
Captain: "Wait, you can or you can't knot?"
Crew: "I can not knot."
Captain: "Not knot?"
Crew: "Not this rope i can not"
Captain: "Shutup"
Crew: "Can you not?"
Captain: "I can knot"
Crew: "I meant tell me too shutup"

The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye

KNOT

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi...

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

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I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to tie the knot.

She said, "Do your own fucking shoelaces."

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A hooker walks into a bar...

A hooker is sitting at the bar when a date walks up.

“How much for a handjob?”he asks the hooker

$500

$500?!?!? That’s outrageous!

Hooker points out the window to a Ferrari
“Honey, see that Ferrari out there? I bought that car by giving the best handjobs.”

They...

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A highschool is having a talent show

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

One man said to the other:

Man 1: “The correct measurement of speed is km/h”

Man 2: “No it’s knot”

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees...

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I have this cool party trick where I eat a rope and shit it out as a knot...

I shit you knot.

My friend tied the knot and has been married for 25 years now.

Now he just wants the stool kicked out from under him.

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...

2. A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here". The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And...

Three pieces of strings walk into a bar

One string walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The second string does the same thing, and also get turned down similarly.

The third string thinks for a while, and ties himsel...

Me to my noose making instructor:

Hey, I think I’m starting to get the hang of this!

The instructor: No, you’re knot.

After 5 years with my girlfriend, I decided it was time to tie the knot.

Hopefully the gag stays on too and I can finally get some peace.

Why do couples that are into bondage always get married?

Because they love to tie the knot.

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I will swallow a tangled up rope right now if you dare me

I shit you knot

Tomorrow I'm tying the knot!

And kicking the chair.

I just watched a knot making documentary, it was really good!

Especially that ending, what a twist.

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

Found this one at the end of the Sim City 2000 credits

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, "gimme a drink" and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here."

So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bart...

String prejudice

Three strings are walking down the street and pass a bar that has a sign that says "No Strings Allowed! "

The first string says this is BS and walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "you're a String" and throws him out.

This makes the second string mad AF, so he g...

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot

I kid you not, that's what it was

How did the executioner learn about knots?

By watching the noose.

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

Peeing on my flowers. Long

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"...

Man Bun? or Douche Knot?

neither, it's a fairy tail.

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Three knots

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing? ‘

The pros...

Three shoelaces are walking down the sidewalk when they come across a bar

A sign sits in front of the bar which reads, “no shoelaces aloud” the first shoelace says, “no sign can stop me!” And makes his way into the bar, the barkeeper notices the shoelace, and says, “hey! You’re a shoelace, no shoelaces are aloud in my bar!” And he grabs the shoelace by the neck, and throw...

A rope walks into a bar...

This rope has seen years of hard work, is severely tangled and splitting, and well past it's prime. The rope just lays on the ground.

The bartender rushes over, "Sir, can you stand up?"

"I'm a frayed knot."

My friend tied me to a tree with a rope and told he will give me 50$ if I escape

I told him It's knot possible

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

Hey Pinocchio would that be your knee?

No it wood knot.

The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world...

You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

What do you call a married knot?

Monotonous.


Bonus answer from my wife: a noose.

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

LPT: How to tie an extremely difficult knot

Just put it in your pocket. Works like a charm with my headphones every time.

A rope walks into a bar...

A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender shouts, "We don't serve your kind here!" and quickly points at the door.

The rope walks outside, twists himself up, parts his hair, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him with squinted eyes and as...

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

My girlfriend is a professional contortionist.

Now she really loves her job and most of the time she comes home with a big smile on face.
However yesterday was really rough on her and so this morning I asked if she'd gotten everything straightened out.

She said "I have knot."

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

A string walks into a bar

He orders a drink, but the bartender shakes his head. "We don't serve strings!"

Disappointed, the string walks outside. He twists, spins, and wraps himself into a mess. He drags himself up and down the sidewalk.

Looking rough, he walks back in the bar. Before he can even sit down, the ...

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was walking around the block with his Dad one evening, when they came across two dogs knotted up.
Johnny, "Dad, what are them two dogs up to?"
Dad, "Well, Johnny, they're..uh..welp..uh..they're..well that's how they make puppies."
Little more was said about it, and they made ...

Did you hear about the long-engaged couple with Parkinson's?

They finally tied the knot!

A rope walks into a bar....

The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve ropes here sir". So the rope goes out side gets twisted and messes up his hair and walks back in minutes later. "Hey are you that rope that I told to leave earlier" shouted the bartender. He looks at the bartender and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

What is this? A noose?

No, I think knot.

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I swallowed 3 whole balls of string:

I shit you knot:

Knot too shabby

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tie...

What do you call an Applied Mathematician's favorite field?

Knot Theory, because it's Knot... Theory.

Pretzels

Two pretzels walked through a sketchy alleyway

One was a salted

The other was knot


*edit: thanks punconscious for helping a little bit*

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

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Did you hear about the sheep who thought she was a rope but couldn’t hold it together?

Shit ewe knot she fell fell apart!

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