A frayed knot

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve your kind in here, Get out!" The strings get up and walk out. One of the strings gets on the ground and rolls around and then ties himself in a knot. The other string says, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Just do ...

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

What is a knot that you can't untie?

An astro(naut)

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"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"Fuck off!"

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...

2. A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here". The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And...

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

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A Bishop has heard a rumor that some of his priests had sexual tentations

He decides to test their will to follow their oath of Chastity.
He summons the 10 priests in the dining room the next morning, asks them to stand in line, takes their pants down and knots a little bell to their d*cks.

He claps his hands and a beautiful blonde woman appears out of the fro...

3 strings walk into a bar and sit down at a booth.

The first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender says “We don’t serve strings here, you should leave.”

The string goes back to his buddies and tells them the bad news. The second string is furious, and approaches the bar, and demands 3 beers with his money...

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"...

Captain: "Can you knot?"

Crew: "I can not."
Captain: "Wait, you can or you can't knot?"
Crew: "I can not knot."
Captain: "Not knot?"
Crew: "Not this rope i can not"
Captain: "Shutup"
Crew: "Can you not?"
Captain: "I can knot"
Crew: "I meant tell me too shutup"

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

A rope walks into a bar...

This rope has seen years of hard work, is severely tangled and splitting, and well past it's prime. The rope just lays on the ground.

The bartender rushes over, "Sir, can you stand up?"

"I'm a frayed knot."

A rope walks into a bar...

A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender shouts, "We don't serve your kind here!" and quickly points at the door.

The rope walks outside, twists himself up, parts his hair, and walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him with squinted eyes and as...

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

Knotty Knotty!

Did you hear about the spider that tried to join Reddit a while ago?

>!He got banned for crossposting in multiple threads!!<

Hey Pinocchio would that be your knee?

No it wood knot.

An old twisted rope called his mom when he was sad

Mom: are you ok?

Rope: no I'm knot

Why do couples that are into bondage have a high marriage rate?

They love to tie the knot.

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

What is this? A noose?

No, I think knot.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was walking around the block with his Dad one evening, when they came across two dogs knotted up.
Johnny, "Dad, what are them two dogs up to?"
Dad, "Well, Johnny, they're..uh..welp..uh..they're..well that's how they make puppies."
Little more was said about it, and they made ...

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I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to tie the knot.

She said, "Do your own fucking shoelaces."

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

John finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time yo...

My friend tied the knot and has been married for 25 years now.

Now he just wants the stool kicked out from under him.

Did you hear about the long-engaged couple with Parkinson's?

They finally tied the knot!

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

A string walks into a bar

He orders a drink, but the bartender shakes his head. "We don't serve strings!"

Disappointed, the string walks outside. He twists, spins, and wraps himself into a mess. He drags himself up and down the sidewalk.

Looking rough, he walks back in the bar. Before he can even sit down, the ...

My girlfriend is a professional contortionist.

Now she really loves her job and most of the time she comes home with a big smile on face.
However yesterday was really rough on her and so this morning I asked if she'd gotten everything straightened out.

She said "I have knot."

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A high school is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher...

Tomorrow I'm tying the knot!

And kicking the chair.

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

The Rope-a-dope.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar.

The bartender looks them up and down, and asks: "You two aren't pieces of string, are ya?"

To which they both reply: "Why, yes, we are!"

And the bartender turns a bright shade of red and yells: "WE DON'T SERVE YOUR FILTHY KIND HERE!"

...

After 5 years with my girlfriend, I decided it was time to tie the knot.

Hopefully the gag stays on too and I can finally get some peace.

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I swallowed 3 whole balls of string:

I shit you knot:

What do you call an Applied Mathematician's favorite field?

Knot Theory, because it's Knot... Theory.

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Did you hear about the sheep who thought she was a rope but couldn’t hold it together?

Shit ewe knot she fell fell apart!

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

I just watched a knot making documentary, it was really good!

Especially that ending, what a twist.

I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot

I kid you not, that's what it was

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

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There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

...

Man Bun? or Douche Knot?

neither, it's a fairy tail.

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Three knots

Ray, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing? ‘

The pros...

How did the executioner learn about knots?

By watching the noose.

Pretzels

Two pretzels walked through a sketchy alleyway

One was a salted

The other was knot


*edit: thanks punconscious for helping a little bit*

I was planning on doing some knitting

But I will knot.

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition

Three men, exhausted from selling colored automobile wheels all day, decided to enter in a competition: who could render a knot out of a multi-colored suit-tie the fastest. They went on, waited in line, and eventually competed against each other, however in the end they all had the same time.
...

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a pers...

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

The Boy Scouts came up with the strongest knot in the world...

You just leave a pair of earbuds in your pocket while you're hiking.

What do you call a married knot?

Monotonous.


Bonus answer from my wife: a noose.

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Stolen joke from my teenage son.

Him: I bet you I can go to the bathroom faster than you can tie your shoes.

Me: What? How?!

Him: I shit, you knot.

LPT: How to tie an extremely difficult knot

Just put it in your pocket. Works like a charm with my headphones every time.

A rope walks into a bar

Theres a sign up that reads “No Ropes Allowed”. The bartender sees him and says, “Hey you gotta get out, your kind isn’t welcome here”. The rope goes home, ties a knot at the top and takes a pair of scissors and cuts up whats sticking out to look like hair. He goes back to the bar where the bartende...

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

A piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says ‘sorry but we don’t serve string here’
The piece of string, feeling dejected goes outside, ties himself into a knot and rubs himself up and down on a wooden light post.
He walks back inside and again asks for a drink. The bartender looks him up and down and says ‘Are you a...

A two ropes walk into a bar...

*twist on old joke*

As they order bartender shakes his head, "Can't you read?" as he gestures to a sign that says ,"We don't like dopes and don't serve Ropes!"

The rope is floored, but his mother warned him that some people didnt like ropes. So he and his buddy left.

Outside his...

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

"What are you doing?" a man asked his osteopath

A man goes to visit his osteopath to ask about a pain he's feeling in his knee. He gets on the table and the osteopath sets to work massaging and stretching his muscles.

"That feels nice," the man says. "What are you doing?"

"Well," the osteopath says, "I'm working through all the tens...

What did the depressed teen say to the other depressed teen?

Can you knot?

Not very good, but I haven’t forgotten it in a few years. Hope you like it.

Three strings walked into a bar. When they sat down, the bartender said “I’m sorry. We don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the strings left.

Not long after, the strings wanted to all go back to the bar. One of them had the idea of undoing the tip of his hair. They all did the same.
...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”

Mushroom says “why not? Im a fun guy”

—-

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says “Hey we don’t serve your kind here,”

The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in ...

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

What did the shoelace say when it was trying to be funny?

A not knot joke.

Knot too shabby

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tie...

My mate asked me to untangle his earphones but I messed them up even more.

I was knot helping.

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Nobody believed me when I said I can tie two strings together inside my intestines, but

I shit you knot!

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A man is taking off the condom after sex...

A man is taking off the condom after sex. His partner says, "Make sure to tie a knot in it."

The man says, "I can't. It's still hard."

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