UPJOKE
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The Double Jokes

Sick and tired of the double standards

When Venus poses naked on a giant scallop shell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess".

But when I do it I am "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The double flavored apple store

A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.

While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the ...

The double negative paradox...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that,

“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the ...

I ran the double slit experiment a dozen times with two of Schrodinger's cats.

Now my lab is full of interfering kittens..

"Have the double reed players arrived?" the conductor asked...

The flautist responded, "Not yet... Bas-soon."

I'm sick of the double standard…

When I burn a dead bodies at the mortuary, I'm doing a good job. When I burn dead bodies at home, I'm destroying evidence.

Why did the double agent cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.

The man who invented the double entendre died last week.

His wife's taking it hard.

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

What did Patrick Stump say to the double arm amputee?

I AM AN ARMMSS DEALER

What did the double hand amputee get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't managed to open it yet.

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What did the single action revolver say to the double action one ?

Don't get too cocky

Why was a physicist unable to do the double slit experiment?

His wife didn't want a threesome.

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

The double meaning of Christmas!

I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.

The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"

"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

Why did the double arm amputee unsubscribe from r/jokes?

He lost his sense of humerus.

On the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the ...

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth...

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as do...

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What is the favourite musical instrument for a couple of fish?

The double bass. This joke was made up by my 7yo daughter on the way home from school.

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