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Su Jokes

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

I sued Delta Airlines for misplacing my luggage

But I lost my case.

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

I got sued by an orphanage for making their website.

Because there was no home page.

A Engineering Student commited su*cide by jumping off a building. He had a lot of potential...

But sadly that turned into Kinetic Energy.

Just sued my mom for sending me blanket made by her and her sewing club.

Quilt by Association

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

I tried suing the airport because they lost my luggage

My lawyer keeps saying I’ve already lost my case

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

I'm suing my wife...

She wont let me get tattoos of grizzles on each bicep. She's infringing on my right to bear arms

If a parsley farmer gets sued,

can they garnish his wages?

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

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A women sued the hospital...

*A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after* *they treated her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.*


*A hospital spokesman replied, the man was admitted in Ophthalmology.*


*All we did was correct his eyesight.*

Basketball sued Tennis for no reason

Now they have to go to court

A radio shock jock calls a prominent socialite a pig on his radio show and is sued for defamation . . .

He loses at trial and asks the judge "Does this means I can no longer call Mrs. Harris a pig?"

The judge replies "That's what it means"

The jock asks "Can I call a pig Mrs. Harris?"

The judge says "Yes, the First Amendment still allows that".

The jock turns to the plainti...

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

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''Did you hear about the magician who was sued for sexual harassment? ''

''No. What was his name?''

''David Cop-a-feel.''

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

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Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster

The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury

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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What’s up?"

Wife: "According t...

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My penis might not be 12 inches

But it sure smells like a foot

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A frustrated man who's being sued goes to the bar...

He walks in, and amidst his frustration, he exclaims, "Lawyers are such assholes!"

Another person shouts out, "Hey! I resent that statement!"

The man responds, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy says, "No! I'm an asshole!"

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

I nudged a girl and now her family is suing me

Cruises aren't all the fun they used to be

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

Why is Jonny Depp’s second wife no longer suing him?

In the last couple months he developed Heard Immunity

A man is suing another man for a car crash....

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!

lawyer: how high can you raise it now?

the man raises his hand to a very low place

lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?

the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

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Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

A man sued a drug company for making him impotent

but his lawyer got him off

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I'm suing samsung.

I bought a Fucking Note 7 for my wife and it stil didn't explode.

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Two neighbors stand before a judge, one suing the other.

The judge asks "For what reason are you suing your neighbor here?"

The man replies "Because this man ripped off one of my testicles!"

The judge, confused, asks "Why would anyone do such a thing?"

The man shrugs and states "I don't know, but I found it and put it in this plastic ...

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Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Diaper companies should be sued for false advertising.

Not once have they held the 22-37 pounds they promised.

A doctor was sued for malpractice due to his horrible temper

Needless to say, that was the day he lost all of his patients.

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

Why did the oil covered seagull get sued?

There can only be one goo gull

Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

Did you hear about the guy who was being sued for stealing someone's bag?

I heard it was a brief case.

There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn’t get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

Mrs Rosenfeld is suing Mr Ramsay for calling her a pig

Mr Ramsay asks the judge: "is it illegal for me to call Mrs Rosenfeld a pig?"

The judge replies: "yes, of course it's illegal."

Mr Ramsay asks again: "ok, but am I allowed to call a pig 'Mrs Rosenfeld' your honor?"

The judge says: "well yeah, there is no law against that."
<...

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A group a of 3rd grade boys are being called a name by some 4th graders…

The 4th graders kept calling the 3rd graders dicks.
Naturally the younger kids had no clue what a dick was, so one boy speaks up and says he’ll ask his dad wha a dick was.
Once home, he proceeded to ask his dad what it was.
Taken back by such a question, the dad say, “not only can I tell y...

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A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

Man hires a lawyer when he got sued for embezzlement

Lawyer: Relax, you won’t be going to jail with that amount of cash.

The man felt relieved.

Indeed, he was penniless by the time he ended up in jail.

The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.

"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.

The company was confused entirely, until the law...

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips.

Punchline ends.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

I can't believe it's not Buddha.

[long] A man who was suing over an automobile accident was being questioned by the defendant's lawyer.

"*Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were not hurt*?"
"*I did*," replied the plaintiff.
"*But you see, it was like this: I was driving along the road with my old horse and wagon when along comes this car and knocks us into the ditch. You never saw such a horri...

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory?

It was an open and shut case.

What does Meghan Trainor say when she’s sued for copyright infringement?

Now I’m in treble

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and Fu decided to stay in China

An englishman was sued for discrimination after firing all the redheads from his strip club.

He was able to get off Scot-free.

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I just bought some children's books and there was no porn in any of them

I'm suing the Republican party for false advertising.

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

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Don’t get a boner

I remember I got on a bus in Bangkok and this beautiful woman got on and sat down across from me. I kept thinking “don’t get a boner. Don’t get a boner”. Sure enough, she did.

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

TIL: A man sued Quiznos after being hospitalized for an allergic reaction when he received another guests sandwich.

woops, wrong sub

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off.

They called it neigh-balm.

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...

He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

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