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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

My administrative assistant is suing me. She walked into my office last week and said, “it looks like you’ve lost weight!”

All I said was, “thanks for bringing it back”.

I am suing American Airlines for losing my luggage

Update: I lost the case

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

How does a lawyer say goodbye?

***I'll be suing ya!***

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

I'm suing my wife...

She wont let me get tattoos of grizzles on each bicep. She's infringing on my right to bear arms

Basketball sued Tennis for no reason

Now they have to go to court

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A women sued the hospital...

*A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after* *they treated her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.*


*A hospital spokesman replied, the man was admitted in Ophthalmology.*


*All we did was correct his eyesight.*

When I was in America, I really got into the culture.

I went into the shop and the guy said ‘Have a nice day’ and I didn’t. So I sued him.

Di d y ou k n o w

tha t it’ s po s s ib l e to wri t e on t he phon e wit h you r p e ni s?
Th e on ly is su e is bal ls pre ssin g sp a c e a ll th e ti me

If a parsley farmer gets sued,

can they garnish his wages?

A Genie grants a person 3 wish

The genie says “I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must”

The man replies “I want a world without lawyers”

“Granted, you have no more wishes left” said the genie

The man exclaimed “But wait! You said 3 wishes!”

Genie replied “Sue me”

I nudged a girl and now her family is suing me

Cruises aren't all the fun they used to be

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

Why is Jonny Depp’s second wife no longer suing him?

In the last couple months he developed Heard Immunity

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An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

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Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

TIL "Sugar" is the only "su"-word in the english language that makes the "sh"-sound!

(I haven't actually fact-checked this one, but I'm pretty sure it's correct)

I sued a guy for copying my idea for a water bottle briefcase

Unfortunately, my case didn't hold water.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

A man is suing another man for a car crash....

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!

lawyer: how high can you raise it now?

the man raises his hand to a very low place

lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?

the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

Jesus is at the last supper

He looks as his apostles and says “my brothers, one of you will betray me.” Paul looks at him and says “is it me Jesus?”. Jesus responds “no paul, it is not you.” Peter looks at him and asks “is it me Jesus?”. Once again Jesus responds, “no Peter, it is not you”. Judas looks at Jesus, and asks “is i...

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn’t get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

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Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster

The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury

[long] A man who was suing over an automobile accident was being questioned by the defendant's lawyer.

"*Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were not hurt*?"
"*I did*," replied the plaintiff.
"*But you see, it was like this: I was driving along the road with my old horse and wagon when along comes this car and knocks us into the ditch. You never saw such a horri...

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

A doctor was sued for malpractice due to his horrible temper

Needless to say, that was the day he lost all of his patients.

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

A man sued a drug company for making him impotent

but his lawyer got him off

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

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A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

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Two neighbors stand before a judge, one suing the other.

The judge asks "For what reason are you suing your neighbor here?"

The man replies "Because this man ripped off one of my testicles!"

The judge, confused, asks "Why would anyone do such a thing?"

The man shrugs and states "I don't know, but I found it and put it in this plastic ...

Did you hear about the guy who slipped on a banana and sued?

He won the trial, but he got overturned on a peel.

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and Fu decided to stay in China

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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

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On my last day of high school I mooned my teacher

Now she’s suing me for sexual hairy-assment

Mrs Rosenfeld is suing Mr Ramsay for calling her a pig

Mr Ramsay asks the judge: "is it illegal for me to call Mrs Rosenfeld a pig?"

The judge replies: "yes, of course it's illegal."

Mr Ramsay asks again: "ok, but am I allowed to call a pig 'Mrs Rosenfeld' your honor?"

The judge says: "well yeah, there is no law against that."
<...

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

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Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

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A woman comes running into the ER

A woman comes running into the ER with both arms in between her legs.

When she eventually gets seen by the doctor, he's surprised to see both hands stuck .. up there.

"So, what exactly is the problem?" The doctor asks.

"I was holding my pet parakeet when it suddenly just flew...

Diaper companies should be sued for false advertising.

Not once have they held the 22-37 pounds they promised.

An englishman was sued for discrimination after firing all the redheads from his strip club.

He was able to get off Scot-free.

Why did the oil covered seagull get sued?

There can only be one goo gull

The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.

"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.

The company was confused entirely, until the law...

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A frustrated man who's being sued goes to the bar...

He walks in, and amidst his frustration, he exclaims, "Lawyers are such assholes!"

Another person shouts out, "Hey! I resent that statement!"

The man responds, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The guy says, "No! I'm an asshole!"

Man hires a lawyer when he got sued for embezzlement

Lawyer: Relax, you won’t be going to jail with that amount of cash.

The man felt relieved.

Indeed, he was penniless by the time he ended up in jail.

What does Meghan Trainor say when she’s sued for copyright infringement?

Now I’m in treble

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

Ever hear about that guy who sued the door factory?

It was an open and shut case.

A Hindu man, a Rabbi, and Lawyer are walking together on a journey. They realize they will be needing a place to stay so they stop at a lonely farmhouse. The lawyer knocks on the door.

A farmer opens the door and, seeing the three men in front of him, asks "How may I help you?"


The lawyer as the nominated spokesperson says, "We three humble travelers are seeking a place to sleep. We need no food, just a bed."


The farmer replies, "I only have two beds. One...

A Woman Suing Her Husband

There was a lady suing her husband for abuse. Eventually she went crazy and tried to kill him via electrocution with some jumper cables, but it didn't work.
While the woman was on trial for his murder, she pleaded self-defence and explained how her had been beaten her. They had the husband on th...

Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips.

Punchline ends.

A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off.

They called it neigh-balm.

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.

It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it o...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

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I'm suing samsung.

I bought a Fucking Note 7 for my wife and it stil didn't explode.

Sunscreen

Did you hear Steve Irwin's family is suing Coppertone?
He was wearing it, but it didn't protect him from harmful rays.

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

The dumbest 'joke' I've ever been told

A friend and I are walking home and he says to me:

"Did you know 'sugar' is the only word in the english language where 'su' makes an 'sh' sound?"

"No, I didn't."

"You were supposed to say 'sure....'"

One day in a small town, a man buys land right infront of a church

He decides to build a brothel there and when the priest and the other religious folk heard that, they strongly stood against the construction of the house of many sins. However, nobody could do anything because the land was not theirs and the man could legally build anything he wanted there.

...

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

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A man comes home bruised and fuming...

A man comes home bruised and fuming, and his wife asks him what's wrong.

"I got into a horrible traffic accident today, and the car is totalled. What's worse, I'm being sued."

"Oh no!" exclaims the wife. "What happened?"

"I had to swerve to avoid an asshole who was on his phone...

Sue has lunch with her blonde friend, Mary.

Sue offers to pay because she recently got a whole bunch of money. Mary asks her how, and she says a man hit her with his car so she sued him.

The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, "a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what yo...

Went to to the doctor the other day to check my reflexes

Now he's suing me for assault because I made him infertile

My uncle got rich the American way

He tripped over things and sued people.

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

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Are you sure?

So a man dies and is sent to hell.

When he gets there the devil says "hey you know what? I'm in a good mood today so I'll let you pick your eternity here from these 3 doors"

The man says ok and opens the first door.

Behind door #1 was a lion eating a man alive, every time the li...

I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend

I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"

"why is that?" I said

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

Bribe...

A farmer consults a lawyer friend for his case. He had built a house in the plot of another farmer and now the other farmer has sued him, demanding the house demolished.

The lawyer calmly explains the farmer is in the wrong, he should not have built a house on another person's land. He advise...

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A business man goes to Japan

A man has to go to Japan to have a business meeting for his work. When he gets to Japan he is exhausted from traveling and wants to have a little bit of fun, so on his way to his hotel he picks up a sex worker. They get into it and at one point she starts screaming "Gama su, gama su!" To which the m...

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

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A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

A artist is thinking of what his new work should be when his wife bursts into his office...

"I'm sorry to say this," she announces. "But a viewer of one of your paintings died from poisoning because of an unsafe form of paint you used...and we've been sued a billion dollars... your career as an artist is over...I'm sorry..." she then bows her head. The artist drops his jaw and prepares to ...

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