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Pale Jokes

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

Edit: *Moonlight. My bad.

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

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A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

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Wales could've been called Pales.

Then Pales, England,Northern Ireland, Scotland would've been penis together.

Yo momma is so pale..

She sweats milk and farts chalk

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

Why is Robert Pattison so pale?

There's no sunlight in the closet.

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

People always tell me that my face is to pale so I stuck a plunger to my face...

I've heard they help make things flush

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I watched a really strange porn the other day that was just a fat pale guy crying and jerking off....

Then i realised i hadn't turned the TV on.







Credit: Gary Delaney

What is it called when your son tells you that your skin is so pale that you look like a vampire?

A Son-burn

You know the story of the guy who looked pale, right?

This one guy is looking really pale, so his friend tells him ¨dude, you're anemic¨. Of course, our guy doesn't believe this, so his friend says ¨I know about these symptoms, you're definitely anemic¨ and bets him 25 bucks on this. "OK", our guy says, "challenge accepted." Together they go to the doc...

what do you call a pale, introvert nerd?

Fair and square

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

A nurse asked me recently, “Are you always this pale?”

I told him, “Only on caucasian.”

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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What's pale, lives in darkness and sucks blood?

A tampon

What's the difference between a length of pipe and a pale Dutchman?

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.

What is the difference between a Greek spearman and a pale beer?

One is hoplite, and the other a light hops.

The storm is fierce.

The plane hits such turbulence that everything is shaking violently. The passenger, pale with fear, notices a priest sitting next to him and pleads,

"Can't you do something, Father?"

The priest calmly replies,

"I'm not in management; I'm in sales."

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wi...

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I was told I was just like a Greek statue

I was happy until they clarified that they meant I am pale as fuck and have a small dick.

Why was Jesus so pale?

Cos tan is a sin

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws...

Say what you like about Boko Haram,

but you've got to admit, 'Whiter Shade of Pale' was a stone cold classic.

It never rains but it pours

A reporter once visited a monastery to see how the monks lived. As he was escorted on his tour, he saw strapping young monks and strapping old monks, all engaged in field work of all sorts.


They next went to see the dorms, and in one of them they saw a young monk, thin, pale and shivering...

What’s Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke?

So this bar goes into this guy.....

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A policeman is at the roadside, looking at passing cars.

Suddenly he sees one approaching. Without warning, he whistles, signals for it to stop,then pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the air.

At once, the car stops. The policeman approaches it. Inside, a snow-pale driver is sitting.

\- What... officer... what did I do? I could swear I've...

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The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

A little boy and his mom are at church.

During the long, droning sermon the little boy suddenly starts to feel very queasy. He whispers, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!" She turns to see him looking pale and becomes very anxious, so she whispers, "Quick! Run as fast as you can to the bushes outside the church! If you go now you might ma...

A chicken walks in to a bar...

A chicken walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"
The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."
The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

I'm so pale...

I'm so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, "Hey, look! Frosty's on a diet!"

I'm so pale that when I worked in the ice cream parlor and was giving a kid his vanilla cone, he started licking my hand.

I'm so pale that my house is listed as haunted. It ...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

The red-shirted Captain

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me...

A man opens the door to a knock.

He looks down and sees a tiny Death with a scythe, black hood, and all.

He begins to turn pale and fainting, pale blue from the fear.

\- Relax, man, squealed Death. I'm coming to see the canary, not you.

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my ...

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in a drive-by

when she woke up later at the hospital the doctor came in and told her he had good news and bad news. he told her that she was hit by three bullets in her stomach and each one had been lodged in each of her three babies. however, everyone was healthy and in due time the bullets would make their way ...

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A man walks into a bar and opens his suitcase revealing a million dollars in cash.

"I'll give this million dollars to the first person who can sing "Auld Lang Syne" and give me head at the same time."

Immediately people started a stampede, men, women and children all alike, towards the mans crotch. They whipped his dick out and started battling over who gets to do the "perf...

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and...

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

A cop pulls over three elderly woman..

The cop says "M'am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55?"

Old lady driver: " Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15"

The cop laughs and says "M'am thats route 15; you're on route 15 right now"

Old lady driver: "I am so embarassed! Please forgiv...

Education

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive. "I asked, "W...

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A man goes to his doctor to get the results of his last week's analyses.

Man : "... are you all right Doctor ? You seem very pale"

Doc : "..I...I... I just went to get your results and.... and...it seems the coffee machine won't be fixed until next weekend¨!"

Man : "Oh! Whew! I thought you were like this because of my results :)"

Doc (suddenly angry)...

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Little Timmy and God

5yr old Timmy went to church and the priest wanted to teach them that god lives within us all..so the first child he saw was Timmy and he asked "wheres god Timmy?" and Timmy went pale white and ran home as fast as he could and hid under the bed...when his mother asked Timmy what happened he replied....

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Boy and a farmer.

One day, as a farmer sat on his porch, a young boy walked down the dirt road carrying a 2 gallon pale. The boy approached the farmer and said, I passed your field the other day and saw some milk weed out there, do you mind if I fill my pale? The farmer chuckled and agreed. After a while, the boy cam...

An already drunk man walks into a bar,

shouting "happy new year, everybody."
The bartender answers "its easter already, you moron."
The man becomes pale and mumbles "oh no, i am gonna be in real trouble with my wife, when i get home..."

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A man goes to see a fortune teller

A man goes to see a fortune teller. The teller was renowned for their abilities, but even more so for their strange curios. The man walks into the fortune teller's shop, and immediately sees the teller, and a man curled up on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

"What's with him?"

"...

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

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Two young engineers failed their thermodynamics class

Since it's their last exam before graduation, they beg their professor for a second chance. The professor agrees and set a special oral examination for the following week.

When they get there the professor asks them to enter the classroom for the test one at a time. The first enters and the t...

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

The resemblance was uncanny!

A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, “Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.”

The man’s face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.

“Ar...

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Done. He was born and raised in the town of Moroccan. Done wasn't very smart, and he was always teased by his peers when he expressed his desire to become a doctor, especially by a disliked and harsh-tempered teacher who would yell at him, "You drive me ...

So I saw a humanoid looking fly the other day...

Let me tell ya, it was the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street with my friend when we got approached by this guy.
Except he wasn’t really a guy at all, you see. He walked up right and spoke in perfect vernacular, but his eyes were bulbous red compound orbs, his mouth a long tube...

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A guy goes to prison.

As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a sho...

Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  craz...

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

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asshole

An elderly couple are getting ready for bed. The husband kisses his wife and the couple drifts into sleep. The husband wakes up suddenly to see a tall, pale man standing next to his bed.
"What are you doing in my room?" he asks.
The man replies, "You have died and I'm here to take you to Heav...

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Newlywed husband wants to go to bar

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

... ...

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wi...

A new poll says 69% of Americans support Medicare-for-All...

...which pales in comparison to the 100% of Americans who support “69 for All”

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

There's a guy who is in love with a girl, and one day, he sees her and decided to talk to her.

Girl: What?
Guy: You are so pretty, the sun pales in comparison.
Girl: Don't say that, that's not true.
Guy: I love you, and I heard that you loved me back.
Girl: Yes, that should be obvious.
Guy: Is there anything I have to do?
Girl: No, of course not!
Guy: Is my ...

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Who's the boss now?

After God created man, all parts of his body decided they'd need a boss to function efficiently. The brain stood up and claimed the title explaining its importance as an organ. The heart interfered and explained its own importance. The lungs, too, contested strongly in its own favor. It soon turned ...

A restaurant in Heaven is serving a Christmas special. . .

One day, on Christmas, a restaurant in Heaven is having an extravagant, 3-course Christmas special.

“For our first course,” announces the head chef, “We’ll be serving the food you most commonly ate during your time on Earth!”

So, the waiters bring out everyone’s food. Some people get ...

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun

All other vampires pale in comparison

How do you make an albino feel worthless?

Tell them they pale in comparison to everyone else

A blonde lady drives a Ferrari on the motorway with 19 km/h

She’s pulled over and the police officer asks why she’s driving so slowly.

She says because A19 is displayed everywhere. To which the cop remarks that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.

Then he asks why the passenger looks so pale and unwell.

She responds: I have n...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

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A bully at school told me my clothes were gay

So a choked that asshole with my "Pale Heather Cashmere Scarf".

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car……

found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran lik...

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The king was looking for a prince to marry his only daughter.

Naturally the king was very picky and decided to devise a set of tests only the bravest, storngest and most feirce would even dare.

Princes from all around the world showed up and the tests begun.
After a growling month where more then half didn't even survive, a clear winner came forward...

I have an albino doppelganger

He's a pale imitation

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

Did you notice the difference between Trump's inauguration and Obama's?

Trump's crowd paled in comparison.

Old Lady Speeding...

**One night a state cop saw a car riding along at 22 miles per hour. He put on his lights and pulled the car over. He approached the window and saw that there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and pale.**

**The old lady who was driving said “Officer, I don't get why you pulled ...

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

A German police car is stopping a slow driving car on the Autobahn.

The police officer gets out and asks the motorist why he is driving that slow.

"Well, I drive the speed as of the Autobahn's designation number.", replies the motorist.

P: "So, on the A25 you're doing..."

M: "25, yes. My speedometer gives out the exact number, so I try to maint...

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1942. Two Nazi generals are at their headquarters, when suddenly the Red Phone rings.

The red line is reserved for Hitler himself, so they both know who's calling. Their faces turn pale, they look at each other with fear in their eyes. Finally one of them picks up the phone, puts it to his ear and listens. He says:

"Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhre...

Weigh station

Once there was a British family that was touring the U.S.A. They were driving on the highway and and saw a sign for a stop! So the mother pulls down the road to a rather peculiar place, and stops when they find themselves on a peculiar looking pad.

A man walk out of the building and explain...

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Cake day joke: toughest cowboys

First cowboy says, "I'm the toughest sumbitch in these here parts. Yesterday I grabbed me the meanest bull and threw his ass down, balls and all, with my left hand into this here dirt. Pinned him fer 25 seconds without breaking a sweat."

The second cowboy looks up from the fire. "Impressive, ...

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A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze...

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The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito

He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a doze...

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized t...

Drinking brandy always reminds my of my Grandmother

She never touched the stuff, but she's Very Special, Old and Pale.

It is year 2030

A 16 year old boy is in a bathroom and is in a process of opening an injection.
His mom suddenly opens a door to the bathroom and sees him injecting an unknown substance. She watches it in horror, when son suddenly turns pale and starts explaining: 'Mom, no le-let me explain. I-it's a he-heroin....

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Sunday School

Sister Mary Francis asked each of her young charges to tell the class what they want to do when they grow up.

Johnny says "I'm going to be a policeman." "Very good," say Sister Mary Francis.

Peter says "I'm going to be a fireman." "Very nice," says the nun.

Then Mary stands up, ...

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A woman walked into a pharmacy and asks

"Can you sell me some cyanide?"

The pharmacist asks what it's going to be used for.

"I need to kill my husband."

"Sorry, I can't sell it to you."

The woman pulls out a picture of her husband sleeping with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist immediately pales and ...

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'

'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts.
'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.

The second man says: ' Well you k...

What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?

One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

An American brings a Chinese Man to a hotdog stand.

The American orders a hotdog and assures the Chinese Man that the food here is very good.

When the hotdog is served, the Chinese Man begins to look pale.

The American asks, “What’s wrong?”

The Chinese Man replies, “When we eat dogs, we typically remove this part of the body. No...

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

Becky was on her deathbed...

Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love,"...

North Dakota

A dairy farmer from South Dakota had a favorite dairy cow. She was old, and one day she passed away. Saddened, but wanting another cow to give his family milk he sought out another cow in the local paper.

He found a listing from a dairy farmer in North Dakota a few hours away, and made arrang...

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Jack and jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack had a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jills real name was Randy.

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

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