Hung Jokes - 82 Hilarious Hung Jokes

Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

Back in the 1800's, cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,

It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

but she was just pulling my leg.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

I hung a t-shirt on a crucifix

I guess that makes me a cross-dresser

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

A young lawyer who recently hung out his shingle, was retained by a criminal with $5 and a very poor defense

"Well, you got a case, son," said his proud father.

"Yes, dad."

"And what advice did you give your client?"

"After listening to his story I collected what money he had and advised him to retain a more experienced lawyer."

Source: 1913 newspaper

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the...

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A man died because of his extremely large penis.

He was hung to death

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Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...

I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow call...

I've hung pictures of my old graphics cards on the wall, it didn't cost much

I got low frame rates

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Like father, almost like son.

Little 8-year-old Jimmy was getting ready for school in the morning, when he decided to go see what his dad was doing. He walked into his parents' room only to find that his dad wasn't quite dressed yet. He had his robe on, but it wasn't fastened and hung loose.

Little Jimmy glimpsed at h...

I'm filling in for my friend who got hung over from yesterday's drinking..

His patients wont be thrilled if they knew I never went to Dental College

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

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[NSFW] I just learned that to proportionally be hung like a horse, a 200 lbs man would need roughly a 4-inch dick.

So that means I only need to lose about 30 lbs and grow another inch, inch-and-a-half...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

My girlfriend dumped me. Says I'm too hung up on getting revenge on people.

We'll see about that.

I don't get why people are upset that some people with the same name met and hung out.

After all, they were just Joshing.

A guy sits down at a bar

A guy sits down at a bar, head hung, and looking sad.
"Is everything ok?" asks the bartender.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a month."

The bartender says, "I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe that's a good thing, a little peace and quiet, ...

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

How hung was Jesus?

[*stretches out arms*]
This hung.

Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump Rally?

He's fine. It was just Fake Noose.

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a hung man asks his friend for advice

There is a man with a huge penis, 50 centimeters. He talks to his friend about the struggles he has with his big penis and that his wife would love him to have a smaller penis, as it hurts so much when they have sex.

The friend tells him there is an old lady living at the end of a near forest...

Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

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Hung Like a Baby

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what th...

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MOM! Dad hung himself in the attic.

April fools! He hung himself in the basement.

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town...

Three friends celebrate with a night on the town. The day after, hung over, the three friends meet.

The first friend says, "I can't believe how much we drank last night! I was so drunk, I blew chunks!"

The second friend shakes his head and says, "You think that's bad? I got so drunk...

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

How do you know when a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get your fingers between their neck and the noose.

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Is a comma just a well hung period?

Or is a period just a comma with a micropenis?

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

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Little boy runs to his mother yelling "Mommy, dad hung himself in the bathroom!"

Panicked mom runs to the bathroom only to see it's empty. "Haha Aprli Fools!" laughs the boy "He hung himself in the basement."

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NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts. But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away. "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"

"No," he replie...

Hear about the pastor who hung himself?

He was a Bourdained minister.

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

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Hung like a baby

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered from a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.

He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much...

I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings.

But i'm afraid it makes my house look kinda sketchy...

What do you call a well hung pirate?

Dead

Girls say they like a guy who is hung

But when they walk in and I am stung up by a noose they freak out

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

Did you hear about the guy who shot his wife, hung his children, and framed the dog?

They really are nice photographs.

Wife was mowing the yard in her bikini. Neighbor says "you should be hung!"

"I am; that's why she mows."

My girlfriend hung a note on the fridge...

...which said: "I can't do it, it's not working anymore."

Door could be opened. Light is fully functional. Beer is cold.

I got no clue what she was talking about

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.

I call it online shopping.

Two men, about to be hung from the gallows

Dave turns to John, and asks:
Dave: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: I don't know.
Dave: Me neither, but I'll see you on the other side.

I always get really hung up on the topic of abortion...

Like, on the one hand I love the idea of killing babies, but on the other hand I hate women having rights!!!

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

When I hung my chandelier, I put it all the way at the top of the ceiling.

Some say it’s too high, but it’s the high light of my life.

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How does Trump persuade women he is well hung?

Fake Nudes

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

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When they said I was gonna be hung, drawn and quartered...

I've gotta admit, I didn't expect a penis enlarger, a professional sketch and my own room on a ship.

I hung around this really depressed Arab guy....

...he was really killing Mahmoud

Woke to news of a Hung Parliament.

Turns out it's not as good as it sounds.

First ever post on reddit, be kind.

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

I don't know what's going to happen now that I have hung myself

The suspense is killing me

TIL I'm hung like a baby.

7 lbs. 9 oz.

I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

I hate people who get hung up on small things

You could say I'm Anti-Semantics

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

I'm so tired of hearing people complain about being hung over.

Just stop your wining.

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

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Offensive A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

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