UPJOKE
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If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben Kenobi is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

What did Obi-wan say to Luke, when he saw him struggling with the chopsticks?

>!"Use the fork, Luke."!<

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star Plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

What is Obi Wan Kenobi’s least favourite drink?

Absolute Vodka!

What does Obi-Wan Kenobi call he's weed farm?

The high ground

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?

“Use divorce, Luke”

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says

"use the forks luke"

Who was Princess Leia's gynecologist?

OB-Wan Kenobi

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

What car does Obi-Wan drive?

A Highlander

Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"

Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

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A man is standing with a Shiba Inu with a sign that says "Amazing Mathematical Dog!"

Skeptical, a passerby asks, "What makes your dog so mathematical?"

"Just watch this!" replies the man smugly. "Koro, what's three minus two?"

"Wan!" barks the dog, as all Japanese dogs do.

"What's four plus seven?"

"Wan wan!" barks the dog.

"See? One one! Eleven! K...

If obi wan kenobi ever made a drug den he would call it..

The High Ground

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The S’wan (long)

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, run by a few gruff sisters.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. T...

Why does Obi-Wan keep his coffee on the top shelf?

He likes the high grounds.

Let me tell you the story of obi wan, the suspected cannibal.

Anakin was sitting at the dining table waiting for obi wan to finish chopping up the meat for dinner. Obi wan: You know Anakin, dinner is gonna cost you. Anakin: How much do I pay to eat? Obi wan: 2 legs and an arm!

Obi-Wan Kenobi started a marijuana dispensary on Tatooine. What's it called?

The High Ground.

Obi-Wan cuts off so many limbs

he cuts off Darth Maul's legs

he cuts off Savage Opress' arm

he cuts off Grivous' hands

he cuts off many of Anakin's limbs

and so many random people in bars have lost their limbs to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a menace.

Considering that he is now dead and exis...

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the body builder in his pharmacy?

These are not the ‘roids you are looking for.

Why didn’t Obi Wan share any Budweisers with Anakin?

Because Anakin didn’t spare any Yuenglings

Obi-Wan Kenobi was arrested last night

He’s being charged with Grievous Bodily Harm

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

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I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents…

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling people to "use divorce"

I wan’nt originally going to go through with brain surgery...

But then I changed my mind.

I found a small coffee shop named Higher Ground.

Now I know where to find Obi-Wan if I need him.

A German named Lars and a Korean named Wan-Wan travel to America.

As they’re walking the streets of New York, Lars gets hit by a car.

Wan-wan exclaims “Lars! Do I need to call the emergency!?!?”

“*Nein*, Wan-Wan.”

I didn’t like Obi-Wan’s Jedi master...

But I’ve decided to let Qui-Gons be Qui-Gons.

When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

A man goes to a kennel hoping to adopt two dogs

The employee there shows him two powerful looking dogs and one small, cute dog.


The man asks if it’s possible to have one powerful dog and the cute dog.


‘Unfortunately,’ says the employee, ‘the two powerful dogs are twins, so they can’t be separated. As they are completely i...

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant.

Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.

Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

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Why won’t Obi-Wan mix you a vodka cocktail?

Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.

Why is Obi-wan Kenobi a terrible marriage counselor?

The only advice he gives is “Use di-
vorce”

Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Stormtrooper: They R2!

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In the USA a dogs go "woof woof", in Japan dogs go "wan wan", and in China dogs go

"Sizzle sizzle"

The Wan family is sharing their home and a nice dinner with the Version family when a knock can be heard at the door.

Mr. Wan opens the door to a local police officer.

The officer says, "Good evening sir. We received a report of a mugging in this very neighborhood and are investigating the area to hopefully discover the true story of the event. Mind if I ask a few questions?"

Mr. Wan replies, "Well I...

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he heard Anakin had joined the dark side?

(shrugs)

"Well, Sith happens"

What was Obi-Wan Kenobi's favorite place to hang out?

The Maul.

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Obi-wan Cohen

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job: A Japanese, A Chinese, and A Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box ...

Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr.Sori

Sam Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Sori: Yes, you could speak to me.

Sam Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Sam Wan: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Sori: I know you ar...

What does Obi-Wan think about Padme and Anakin's relationship?

Di-vorce is strong with these two

Why did the Jedi let a Korean into the order?

Because he was the Choson Wan

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant.

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

What's Obi-Wan's favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers song?

Higher ground.

Obi-Wan captured a Sith and bring him to Yoda.

Obi-Wan: Should I kill the Sith or let him go?

Yoda: Kill him...

\*Obi-Wan executes the Sith.\*

Yoda: ...you must not.

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to his wife when she cheated on him?

"May divorce be with you."

What do you call a Jedi ninja?

Obi-Wan Shinobi

The next generation

Obi-Wan Kenobi, while hiding on the deserts of Tatooine, happened to meet a charming lady in Mos Eisley. One thing let to another, and soon they were expecting a baby.

As the baby boy was born, the midwife asked Obi-Wan what would be the name of his son.

"Obi-Two Kenobi, naturally"

What did Obi-wan say to Skywalker the first time he saw him as Darth Vader?

(snickering) Nice suit, must have cost you an ...

For the Star Wars Lovers

Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




"May I help you sir?" she asked.




The man replied,


"I wan to see Valerie."




"...

A u‌‌niversity s‌‌tudent w‌‌anted t‌‌o s‌‌it n‌‌ext t‌‌o o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is t‌‌eachers a‌‌t l‌‌unch.

However, t‌‌he t‌‌eacher l‌‌ooked a‌‌t t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌n a‌‌rrogant f‌‌ace a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "A s‌‌wan s‌‌han't b‌‌e f‌‌riends w‌‌ith a‌‌ p‌‌ig."

"Then I‌‌ s‌‌hall f‌‌ly o‌‌n", a‌‌nswered t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌ s‌‌mile.

The t‌‌eacher w‌‌as c‌‌learly v‌‌exed b‌‌y t‌‌he c‌‌heek...

Why was Luke under the Christmas tree?

He wanted to feel Obi Wan's presents.

What do you call an Italian Jedi?

Obi Wan Cannoli.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out.

A stutterer applies for a job selling Bibles.

The boss is wary, but they're short on salesmen and he is willing to give it a shot.

On his first day, the new salesman comes in during lunch. "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles, I'm out of st-t-stock," he says.

The boss is flabbergasted. "How on Earth did you manage that?" he as...

What flavor ice cream do Jedi like best?

Obi-Wan Spumoni

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu

It's my cakeday, so figured I'd tell this joke (game grumps told this joke)

What is a Jedi's Favourite Italian dessert...

OBI WAN CANOLI

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

How many obi's does it take to kenobi?

Only wan.

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What do you call a masturbating monarch?

Wan king

What does a Jedi use to open files?

Adobe-wan Kenobi

How many Jedi does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obi-wan

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At the hospital

-I’m sorry, but by accident we cut your penis...

-What the fuck?! I wan’t to see your boss you piece of sh...

-Calm down, ma’am, or I will need to call the security!

Wise Italian Grandfather.

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."


"But grandpa...

My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

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Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "...

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An American spy secretly listens to Hitler and his Japanese dog

Hitler loved dogs, and during his alliance with the Japanese, he decided to get a Japanese dog.

As Japanese people know, in Japan, dogs say "wan" instead of "woof".

Once Hitler received his Japanese dog, he decided to have a conversation with the dog. Unknown to Hitler, an American spy...

I called a Chinese restaurant,

the man replied " Hello, I am Wan King the chef."

I replied "It's OK, I'll call you later."

What do you call the Redditor whose Jedi mind trick tricked you into upvoting their joke to the front page?

OP Wan Kenobi

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Free sex tonight

At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
...

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

"The encryption codes are hidden behind the Dali painting in the guest bathroom. Hey, I told you what you wan...."

Joke For Darth

What is the difference between the first fight between Vader and Kenobi and the second?

Obi-wan then Obi lost.

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

Why didn't Luke Skywalker's marriages ever last?

He wanted to follow Obi-Wan's advice: "Use divorce, Luke"

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The three tortures.

A tourist got lost hiking in some mountains in China. It started snowing so he decided to seek shelter. He came upon a tall tower with light in the window, so he pounded on the door. A little old Chinese man opened the door.

"WHAT YOU WAN' ROUND EYE"

Shocked that the old man spoke engl...

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

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Which Star Wars character would always sneak off set for a cheeky masturbating session?

Obi Wan Kernobi.

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Anakin, obiwan and yoda are sitting round a table playing poker

They’ve played a number of rounds until Anakin has built up quite a big pile of chips

Suddenly his face lights up as he sees he’s got a nearly unbeatable hand.

Feeling lucky he force pushes all of his chips to the centre of the table

Obi wan: don’t try it

Anakin: I’m goin...

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, fi...

How much does the Great Wall of China weigh?

Wan-ton

Sorry

Luke Skywalker went to the Jedi temple

Obi-Wan Kenobi's force ghost materialized and noticed that Master Luke seemed perturbed, and so asked him what the matter was.

Luke replied "Ben, my life outside the Jedi Order is in shambles. It's mainly my marriage. It started off great, but something's changed in recent times. Drastical...

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