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Swiped Jokes

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

Accidentally swiped right on my sister on tinder....

Now she knows I was cheating on her :(

The only time get swiped right is..

...when someone wants to see the post before mine once again.

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

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I swiped right on a girl I thought was cute...

She said, "Get your fucking hand off my face".

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic were camping, when they heard a rustling sound.

They looked behind them and saw a huge male grizzly bear jumping out at them from behind a bush. The two friends fled for their lives, and the bear chased them.

The lawyer escaped, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The lawyer watched in horror as his friend was swiped by the bear's mighty paw a...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

"I think your car just got keyed by some guy..." I told a man in the street.

"Can't you give me a better description?" he said.

"OK," I replied, "some gentleman swiped his tender hand across the metallic section of your motor vehicle, sir."

I couldn't find my credit card this morning.

Someone must have swiped it.

I'm sorry.

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Once Apon a time, the Chief samurai of the land was sick, and needed to chose his successor

Only three people singled up. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The Japanese Samurai went first. He opened a box with a fly in it. With one swipe of his blade, the fly fell done, cut in two.

The Chinese Samurai went next. He opened another box with a fly in ...

I saw my uncle on Tinder

Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.

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Once upon a time, there was a man named Really...

This man, though not exactly stunning, was so incredibly charming he could basically get whoever he wanted. Really, however, was particularly in the mood for sex once he turned 18 and turned to the apps to find a date to fulfill his needs.

He swiped right on a few chicks. Cary, Anna, Beth, J...

A bad boxer

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.

"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.

"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."

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A fly is hovering above a pond

And there is a fish looking at the fly thinking if that fly just came down 3 inches I would be able to jump up and catch it. There is a bear thinking if that fly came down 3 inches that fish would jump up to catch it and I will be able to swipe at the fish. There is a Hunter and he is thinking if th...

A sword master was administering his final test to his students.

He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.

He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.

He called forth his fina...

Three guys are kidnapped

Three guys are kidnapped and stuffed in a van blindfolded, without knowing where they are.
The van has an open window, and so, one of the guys moves closer to the window and says :"Hey guys, I think we are in Italy, I smell pizza".

The second guy moves closer to the window and says :"No ma...

A pilgrim was seeking enlightenment

They were told to climb a mountain somewhere that could be called Tibet (but we thank the Zhongguo Reddit investors, so shan't mention it).

As the pilgrim climbed the mountain for half a day, he came across a sage with a beard this
^
|
Long and a sword this <--> big w...

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

Two couples go camping in the woods...

Bob and Peter decide to take their wives on a camping trip. When they get to the campsite, Bob says, "Hey Peter, since your wife has never been camping before, why don't I teach her how to set up camp while you take my wife to get firewood." Peter agrees and he and Bob's wife go out into the fores...

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The Fly at the Lake

There was once a fly buzzing around a lake.

"If I come down three more inches," he said buzzing around sporadically, "I can finally get me a drink of water."

Just beneath the surface was a fish watching the fly buzz around.

"If that fly comes down three more inches," he said wit...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

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