Swallowed Jokes - 58 Hilarious Swallowed Jokes

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

I swallowed some food coloring yesterday

The doctor said I'd be fine, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

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I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

I accidently swallowed some scrabble tiles

My next dump could spell disaster

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

I swallowed two cans of helium today

HeHe

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

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As a kid, i once swallowed two strings…

They both came out together, i shit you knot.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I had to leave my cat at the vet for observation after she swallowed a bunch of dimes...

I called to see how she was doing and the vet said there was no change yet..

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

My son chewed and swallowed a dictionary.

We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

What did the crow say when he was being swallowed by an snake?

"KAA, KAA!"

My kid swallowed a torch today...

It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.

I just swallowed a mood ring.

Not quite sure how I feel about it...

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

She swallowed a condom

Phone rings:
\- Doctor, doctor, you must come at once. My girlfriend swallowed a condom.

Thinking she might be choking, the doctor sprang into action, ready to jump in his car when the phone rang a second time.

\- It's me again. You don't need to come. We found another one.

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus...

It’s what’s inside that counts...

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

I’m in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.

I’m waiting for someone to see me.

My son grabbed some coins from his mother's purse and swallowed them.

We weren't sure how much he actually swallowed at first, but we finally figured it out using the process of elimination.

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

Help! I accidentally swallowed a mint!

Never mind, I'm cool now.

I've just accidentally swallowed the cat's tablets.

Don't ask meow.

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I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

My son swallowed a yo-yo.

It came back up again.

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

My kid swallowed something...

Called the doctor. He said I should go to the emergency room immediately. It was det ergent.

Friend swallowed a 16GB memory card

I am in the hospital because my
friend swallowed a 16gb memory
card and he is singing all songs in it..
We are praying that he doesn't
reach video folder..

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

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I accidentally swallowed a fly today

i think my cock sucking strength is good now and I should switch focuses to improving my aim

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

What do you call a Bull that has swallowed a grenade?

Abominable.

What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

Benny swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.

When his mother asked how he was, the nurse said "No change yet."

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I'm concerned because I swallowed an Airpod.

On the bright side, my playlists are the shit!

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Accidentally swallowed some tippex instead if liquid viagra.

Now I have this huge correction!

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My donkey swallowed a sheet of glass yesterday

It was a pane in the ass to get out of him

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman. For 25 cents she swallowed balls until she died.

Patient: Doctor, I was playing my kazoo and I swallowed it!

Doctor: Thank goodness you're not a tuba player

I accidentally swallowed a light bulb.

I guess you could say I'm lit af

A man walks into the ER after swallowing a tire.

The doctor looks at the chart, looks at the man, and says "Oh my god, you really swallowed a tire?"

"Wheely.", says the man.

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My wife swallowed a lego without knowing it

She shit a brick after I told her

I swallowed some vegan food down the wrong way.

I didn't announce to anyone I was eating it.

I went to the doctor after I swallowed a roll of film

He said we should wait and see if anything develops

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

A man got rushed to the hospital because he swallowed 8 miniature horses.

He is stable now.

What happened when the dog swallowed a clock?

It got ticks.

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

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