I SWALLOWED a dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had..

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I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.

My next poop could spell disaster!

My son grabbed some coins from his mother's purse and swallowed them.

We weren't sure how much he actually swallowed at first, but we finally figured it out using the process of elimination.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

How’s that kid doing that swallowed all those coins?

No change yet…

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

I've just swallowed a mood ring..

Not quite sure how I feel about it !!

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

One day at school the lad who sat next to me swallowed his calculator. I stood up for him when everyone else said he was a weirdo. I told them, "He may be a bit weird,

but it's what's inside him that counts!"

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat....

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smile...

A Doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right away,” pleaded the distraught young mother.

“My young child has just swallowed a contraceptive!”

The Doctor dressed quickly, but before he left, the phone rang again.

“Hi, You don’t have to come over after all,” said the relieved mother.
...

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Old cowboy comes into the barber shop for a shave.

Tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age the sun and wind, I haven’t had a close clean shave in years.”

Barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “stick this in your cheek like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wr...

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

Benny swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital.

When his mother asked how he was, the nurse said "No change yet."

Patient: Doctor, I was playing my kazoo and I swallowed it!

Doctor: Thank goodness you're not a tuba player

A Lady goes to confession.

Lady: I think I am pregnant.

Priest: How did this happen my child?

Lady: I think it might have been the second coming.

Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming?

Lady: Because I swallowed the first one father.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”
The li...

A Yorkshireman and his dog go to the vet

The Yorkshireman says, "My dog's swallowed a condom." and the vet says, "You did the right thing bringing him here. Leave him and I'll keep him under observation. When he's passed it, I'll phone you."
The Yorkshireman leaves, and 10 minutes later the vet's phone rings. It's the Yorkshireman, who ...

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

I've just accidentally swallowed the cat's tablets.

Don't ask meow.

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I swallowed a piece of rope the other day.

I shit you knot.

My dog was having trouble barking so I took him to the vet and they said they don't see it very often but he had swallowed a wedding ring...

...they called it a diamond in the ruff.

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards.

Change should come from within.

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

What do you call a Bull that has swallowed a grenade?

Abominable.

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

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I swallowed an ice cube two days ago...

and haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m really scared you guys!

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

She swallowed a condom

Phone rings:
\- Doctor, doctor, you must come at once. My girlfriend swallowed a condom.

Thinking she might be choking, the doctor sprang into action, ready to jump in his car when the phone rang a second time.

\- It's me again. You don't need to come. We found another one.

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

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Accidentally swallowed some tippex instead if liquid viagra.

Now I have this huge correction!

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I swallowed an ice cube several hours ago.

I haven't pooped it out and I'm afraid it's stuck somewhere.

My son swallowed a yo-yo.

It came back up again.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus...

It’s what’s inside that counts...

A man got rushed to the hospital because he swallowed 8 miniature horses.

He is stable now.

I swallowed two cans of helium today

HeHe

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I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks

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I'm concerned because I swallowed an Airpod.

On the bright side, my playlists are the shit!

My kid swallowed a torch today...

It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.

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