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Swallowing Jokes

I tried swallowing a tablet without water before

And I have to say it wasn’t easy or even the best of decisions. Everyone at the Samsung store seems to agree.

A toddler was recently hospitalized after swallowing several plastic horses

Doctors now describe his condition as stable.

A man walks into the ER after swallowing a tire.

The doctor looks at the chart, looks at the man, and says "Oh my god, you really swallowed a tire?"

"Wheely.", says the man.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Viagra got stucked on my throat while swallowing it

It got me a raging stiff neck for 4 hours

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

swallowing

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.

"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

The trick to swallowing is to shove it all the way in your throat since there are no taste buds back there.

My mother's cooking is terrible.

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

An man goes to the ER after swallowing a large magnet.

When asked why, he said, “Well, last night my wife said she just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I was planning a big surprise tonight when her belly piercing disagreed with her.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids. The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day then says to come back in a week. The man isn't entirely sure what a suppository is but at the pharmacy sees they're pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An argument for swallowing. NSFW

A wife is giving her husband a blowjob, and she looks up at him when he's getting ready to blow his load.
"Don't cum in my mouth," she says warningly.
The husband calmly replies, "Baby, I don't wanna fuck up your hair, we're in a nice restaurant!"

How can you tell if a guy has a high sperm count?

His girl has to chew before swallowing.

I keep swallowing live ammunition.

I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just farted a round at home.

People often make fun of me for swallowing helium

But I rise above it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm bored, I sometimes inhale nitrous oxide after swallowing some laxatives

Just for shits and giggles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

A man is in critical condition after swallowing $250000 in large bills

No change is expected.

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

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