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Survives Jokes

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a plane crash. Who survives?

America.

An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?

The flambuoyants.

Popular celebrity survives suicide attempt.

BREAKING NOOSE!

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner said “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager...

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives?

Texas

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he deci...

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane

Paddy O' Furniture

What do you call a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

A seasoned veteran.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

Hope this joke survives Hindi translation

(please view comments from oldest first)

Me: dude my mom just told me that when I was very
Young I fell down from Qutab Minar (high rise
Monument)

Ram: Damn! Did you survive? You didn't die did you?!

Me: I don't remember, I was pretty young when this
...

Bill Clinton Survives Bear Attack

(Interview following incident in Yellowstone National Park)

Interviewer: This must have been a terrifying situation Bill. How did you end up face-to-face with a Grizzly?

Bill: Well me and Mrs. Clinton were driving through the park. I saw a couple young ladies walking down a trail and f...

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I want to see if this German joke survives translation

Two homeless dudes called Hans and Franz walk the street and see something brown on the street.

Hans says: Watch out - there is some poo.

Franz: says Nah - that is chocolate.

Hans takes a bite and says: definitely poo. You can even smell it.

Franz takes a bite as well: Ba...

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The movie camera-man.

What doesn’t eat but still survives?

African children

If you dropped a male and a female ant into water, which one survives?

The male, because it is bouyant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman with triplets survives three gun shots

About 15 years ago a woman who was pregnant with triplets, two girls, one boy was shot in the stomach three times. She was rushed to the hospital she lived and all the triplets were uninjured what a miracle! So 15 years later the woman was making dinner for her family then her oldest daughter came d...

A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?

Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.

Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?

Nurse: Don’t worr...

Whats yellow and survives on dead beetles

Yoko Ono

All of the world leaders are on a plane, and it crashes, who survives?

The rest of humanity.

Guy survives a terrible car accident and goes to the hospital

When he finally wakes up the doctor says:

- I got some good and bad news for you sir.

- Oh please doctor, tell me the bad news first!

- Because of the accident we had to cut off both of your legs.

- Oh my god! Is there any good news?

- Yes, the nurse wants to buy y...

If Hilary and Trump are stranded on a raft in the ocean, who survives?

America. America survives.

My friend was showing off about his new watch that survives up to 500m underwater...

Turns out he couldn’t

What happens when an American has a heart attack and survives?

A 'murical.

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

The Juan who lived.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nazi plane is shot down somewhere over a North African desert; the pilot survives.

He wanders for nearly two days. Having quickly run out of water, he is crazed with thirst when he crawls over a sand dune and sees an elderly Jewish man standing in front of a table covered in neck ties.

"Water, water..." croaks the Nazi pilot.

"I don't have any water, unfortunately," ...

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