I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

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A man comes home from work

Where he finds his wife loading suitcases into a taxi cab. Confused, he asks her what she is doing. She tells him, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas." Even more confused he asks, "Why? What's in Las Vegas?". His wife responds and says, "I heard I can make $300 for a blowjob there."

The...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

A Man Comes Home From Work...

... to find his wife sitting on the porch with all of her bags packed and sitting around her. He gets out of the car and makes his way to the porch.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to Vegas where I can make $100 for what I give you for free!"

He thinks a second, nods h...

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Wher...

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Said to my wife “Pack your suitcases I’ve won the lottery!”

She said pack for hot weather or cold weather?

I replied “I don’t give a fuck just get out!”

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.

"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.

"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

An Irishman, an American, a Mexican and an Arab board a plane with two suitcases each

Halfway through the flight, the pilot announces that the plane is rapidly losing altitude and that they must throw a suitcase each to lose weight.

The Irishman opens his suitcases: one has bombs and old IRA memorabilia inside, the other is filled with cans of Guinness for the trip. "There's t...

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A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the ...

When I get home from work, I like to pack myself into really small suitcases.

I can hardly contain myself.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When ...

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A guy came home from work early and found his girlfriend on the sidewalk with her suitcases.

"I'm leaving you" she said.
"Leaving?? Why??"
"I found out that you're a pedophile."
"Pedophile??" he said. "Isn't that an awfully big word for a twelve year old?"

A man finds a rhumba of rattlesnakes inside a suitcase

So he calls 911 and tells the operator about the matter at hand. The operator is shocked to hear this and asks whether the snakes are moving. The man says "I don't know, but that might explain the suitcase."

pancakes

Psychiatrist: What brought you here?
Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.
Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a ...

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Did you hear about George Clooney?

George Clooney called 14 of his closest friends and said “Hey, mark Sept 27th, 2013, on your calendar. Everyone’s going to come to my house for dinner.”

The 14 friends belonged to varying economic backgrounds. One of them was married to Cindy Crawford while another was riding his bicycle on h...

Flummoxed, I asked my wife, "Honey, the kids don't want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?" She shouted back from the other room, "That's fine. Just throw them out, dear!"

Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases...

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

I don't know how anyone can take Putin critics seriously, with how stupid they are.

Keep in mind that these are the same people who habitually trip and fall backwards onto bullets and lock themselves in suitcases.

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BIG FIGHT

My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now y...

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