Bags Jokes - 55 Hilarious Bags Jokes

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and get out.

As I walked through the door she screamed : “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery and pain”

I said: “make your mind up, one minute your telling me to get out and now you want me to stay”

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."

The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"

I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

"Pack your bags, honey, I've hit the lottery!"

"What should I pack?"
"Everything! You're moving out!"

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

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I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

My local hospital brought in a priest to bless all the bags of IV saline…

…but they got in trouble for using God’s name in vein.

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

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A man walks into his bedroom to see his wife, packing a bag....

What are you doing ? He asked....

“I’m off to New York City” she replied “I hear prostitutes are getting paid $400 doing what I do to you for free!”

Husband begins packing his bags too.

“What are you doing? Asked his wife

“I’m coming with you” he said “I want to s...

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

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Things I hate intestinal tumors, colostomy bags, chemotherapy

Edit: quit telling me I'm missing a colon. I fucking know

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Did you hear about the buffalo fossil excavation where they found partially digested mail bags in their stomachs?

It turns out they were stamp eating across the Midwest.

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

Odin is planning to take a flight, so he packs his bags and heads to the airport. One of the staff says "sir, you'll have to keep your pet in the hold..."

Odin laughs and says, "no, this is a carrion raven."

Plastic bags are like sperm.

Billions are made each day, but only a few make it to the sea and strangle a turtle.

Back in my day I went to the store with only $1 and came back with 2 bags of chips, 1 carton of milk, and 3 boxes of chocolate

Now they have cameras

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I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

What did the stewardess say to the vulture when he boarded the flight with two bags?

Only one Carrion permitted on this flight.

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A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

How are a push-up-bra and a bag of chips alike?

It is only when you open them, that you realise they are halfway empty.

*PS: i work in a chips factory and i know the reason why the bags contain so much air*

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Home Depot said they had bags of manure on the floor of the garden section.

Lying sacks of shit.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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"Pack your bags, honey" a man says to his wife, "I've just won the lottery"

"Oh, how exciting" she says, "Should I pack for cold weather, or hot weather?

"I don't give a shit, as long as you're out of here by this evening."

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I started selling Bagpipes made from colostomy bags on Amazon

Needless to say, they sound like shit.

An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags...

An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags, and one of them has a hole with lots of money being dropped. A policeman notices it and lets her know. Then, he asks:

"May I ask how you have that insanely big amount of money?"

"Of course! It's a nice story!"

The lady tells him ...

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

A sports store is showing off their new punching bags by having a contest to see who can hit them the hardest.

While everyone is waiting for their turn, St. Peter turns to a drunk and says, "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

The drunk replies, "Nope. Just the wrong punch line."

Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation

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A guy walks with two bags in his hands. One of them is torn and 20$ bills are slipping out.

Someone stops him and ask:
- Why is there so much money in your bag?
- When there is a sport game in town, I hide in the bushes nearby and when someone goes to take a piss, I say “Give me 20$ or I cut it off!”
- Ok, and what’s in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays…

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

Check my bags please!

So I checked in at the airport the other day and I said please check this bag to San Francisco and my second bag I would like to go to New York and I will be flying to Chicago today.

The representative behind the counter says, “I’m sorry but we can’t do that sir.”

I respond, “WTF that’...

3 bags.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all being chased by soldiers, they all run into a Barn and hide in big burlap sacks. The soldier walk in and hunt for them, they poke the first bag and the Scotsman says "Meow!" so they pass it off as a bag of kittens. They poke the second pack and the Engl...

My friend had his bags stolen on his flight

he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.

He lost his case!

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

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Why can you always trust people with colostomy bags?

They're the only people you know aren't full of shit!

(Made this up today and got hit with a waterbottle by my wife!)

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Who says eye bags are not sexy?

Yesterday I went to the zoo and a panda fell in love with me.

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Due to grocery stores switching from paper bags to plastic bags, a serious problem has arisen.

An unprecedented number of ugly girls have died of asphyxiation during sex.

Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

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